2012

My thoughts for 2012 are to make sure that I focus on the good things. To focus on what I have control over and to let go of the things I have not control over. I have talked a lot to the man in my life and I love him. I believe that he has a problem but I know that he is a good loving person that I want to be with that I want to make this work. The last 2 weeks have been amazing and he has been keeping control over his drinking and been wonderful. I know that this probably wont last that the drinking will happen again but I need to work on putting focus on what I can control and dealing with what I can't. I have to decide what I can handle and what I can't and live my life in a way that my son and I are happy and taken care of. For now my son loves this man and this man is good to both of us. For now I need to live in the moment and appreciate what I have. Life is too short to be concerned with the whatifs....

still...

I still don't know what to do...or I do and don't want to do it. I feel like a failure again. I feel like I did all wrong again. The more I try to find out if he loves me the more I push him away.

I should not have to find out if he loves me I should just know.

He talks to his ex wife...she cheated on him and he still needs to talk to her. I did not know they were talking but then I found out....

I would not feel so bad about it if he had been honest with me but since he is hiding it...it is wrong.

it just keeps getting worse and worse and I knew it would...

Why...

I spent 3 years spilling my guts....sharing everything and believing that this man respected me and loved me and wanted to be with me even with all my issues and my feelings about alcohol...

The reality is he never heard anything I said and kind of threw it all in my face and I let him....

I am not a victim I am the creation of my own faults that I don't learn from. I thought I was changing but apparently there are still things broken because I feel into this situation.

If you have an instinct a feeling a doubt...anything that something is not right...believe it and do what you need to do to protect yourself against it because the only person you can count on is yourself. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and save yourself from these situations.

Decisions...Decisions...

I have big decisions to make....and I don't want to have to make them. I am pissed that I even have to think about it. I am pissed that as careful as I thought I was being how screwed up my life is yet again.

He is a hard working, compassionate, loving, funny and smart man....who by definition is an alcoholic.

We have a beautiful home and my son is very happy and at this time if he does realize what is going on he does not let on.

But I have no choice but to recognize that there is a real problem and I can not ignore it and I must face it and decide what to do next.

The one thing I can say that as I own this and just face it head on I no longer feel the anxiety I felt when I first was "accepting" that it was happening.

Goodness knows I had enough signs that I chose to ignore and that is my fault.

Crazy...continuing to do the same behaviors and expecting a different outcome...this I can not be anymore...