Sunday, October 23, 2011

For now...

things are good. Life is good. Drinking has been kept at a mininum. I need to enjoy it and appreciate it as I get it and not dwell on what/when it might change. Will this last...probably not but it will return and for now all I can do is go with it and appreciate the good as it comes.

There is so much in life that we dwell on that we have little to no control over. I can't control if he drinks all I can control is how I react to it and how I let it determine what it is going to do to me.

He is kind, loving, funny and full of life. I don't know why he drinks and most importantly I know there is nothing I can do to change it. Even when he does drink he is still him....he is still the funny, goofy guy that I love. If I had not had the experience that I had before I might not even react to it at all. I might just consider it normal.....I dont know because that will never be.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


with someone who has some kind of problem with alcohol can make you crazy...sometimes you are the one that is causing more of an issue in the household than the person that actually has the problem.

Oh don't get me wrong I am not saying it is my fault by any stretch of the imagination..what I am saying is my reaction to it is my fault....the results of my reactions to it are my fault.

My current situation is different than the one I was in before. This person is totally different than my ex.

I need to decide how I am going to react to the things that remind me of that previous situation.

If I decide to stay I need to also decide to make sure I don't make his problem my this case that would be easier than in the past because he in no way tries to push it on me. It is easier not to accept responsibility for something that is not being offered.

Right now by reactions are being triggered by what has occurred in the past by what I expect to happen now....even though that is not what this situation is.....

I have a lot of decisions to make to react or not react, to accept or not stay or not to stay. Whatever I decide I have to own those decisions, live with them and be happy with them or change them that is the only power I have.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Is it over???

If it is then it is as it should be but it still hurts.

I can't believe that almost 7 years after packing up my car with my son and my dog and leaving my ex I am in this situation again. How does that happen?

The situation is not the same but it is the same. This person is sweet, caring, loving, most of the time attentive, somewhat lazy at times, responsible with money, and genuine. Many of the things my ex was not and is not....but he drinks and he drinks a lot and a lot alone. He hid this from me.....I did not hid my feelings about it or what I did to leave it behind why and how are we now in this situation?

I don't understand how a very financially cautious person walks into a situation he knows could never does he allow us to sign papers on a home for us to live in together, to build a life together and then start drinking in our home everyday.....

When we were dating we did not see each other everyday but when we were together there wasn't excessive drinking and most of the time there wasn't any and it seemed like normal behavior...not forced.

Unfortunatly for anyone that reads this..this is my outlet...I have no other because I feel I poison those around me with my absolute failure to deal with this in a reasonable manner...I am trying but I feel I am failing. Maybe this will help.

I love him but I can not live with becoming a person I can't stand in myself because I can't seem to deal with this issue. I wanted a partnership of love and I am afraid to come home and see what kind of shape he is in...

He doesn't talk to me about anything of any real importance....I am on my own here and I am afraid that I will not deal with it in the best possible way for my son.

The guilt I have for not catching on to the clues that had to be there before putting my son and I into this situation is awful...but it is something I need to get over and just deal. It is what it is....I tried to do it all right and take my time in this relationship and I still missed things.... so deal with it and move on. I need to get over myself and be the parent and person I want to be that I have worked so hard to be, I can't allow myself to slip back into that person I didn't want to be when I left 7 years ago.....

so alone...

How do you spend 3 years of your life dating someone just to find out after you buy a home and move in together that he is a total alcoholic. How can someone who has been through it all before be so blind?? I am so mad at myself and so mad at