Tuesday, March 28, 2006


Time that is. I can't believe it is already late Tuesday night. I am really busy being a mom, an employee and a sister right now. I hope you are all doing well. Be back soon. Take Care and Have a GREAT WEEK.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Today was a wonderful day. We got up and Steve was up and atom ready to go ..excited to be 6. First we went to my work since we were early enough...to make an adventure. I took him to school and told him I would seen him later....as I walked out the door I heard him tell his teacher "You know what I am six today...yup its my birthday".

At 2 I was back at school to share brownies and candy with the class. Steve was smiling ear to ear happy to see me, excited to share with his friends. They all sat at their tables and Steve passed out napkins to them as I passed out their brownies. After that Steve wanted to make sure they all enjoyed their treat so we went to each table and asked them one by one if they liked it...I am happy to report that each and every one of them said they did.

Next they put on a live poetry reading to me....something about bugs...it was very cute...I obviously don't remember it exactly..bad mom.

Then we passed out the candy bags...another excitement of Steve's. He loved giving his friends his treat.

Today was Steve's second counseling appointment. We are still at the state where the counselor and counselees are getting to know each other so really no news there.

Then it was off to the rainforest cafe. We did not sit near the elephants because they are loud and scare Steve. We sat near the waterfall. So my mom could not hear anything. But it was nice. Steve had a great time. He kept saying..."Mom I really like being 6"

Tonight he is asleep in his own bed....the only night he has slept in his own room in the year we have lived here is the couple of days before I got my bed..then we both slept there. He said he is 6 now...he is smarter and he needs to sleep in his own room. It took some time..but he is asleep...and in his own room. WOW what a step ...what a huge step.

I love my little monkey butt...he is the best...
I think he told me 100 times "Mom, I love you"

He is amazing!!


Today is a most special day. Today is the day that my little monster baby turns 6 years old.

He is the brightness in my life, he is forever my joy, my inspiration to always do better and the most amazing little guy with the biggest heart.

It was six years ago today that he was just over an hour old right this very minute. I had been in the hospital for 24 hours after showing up to have labor induced - I thought they were going to send me home a second time not having my baby boy....finally after being at the hospital for 12 hours labor started and 12 hours later my angel baby was born.

It was the most amazing first day. I was at the hospital by myself for most of that day with my little bundle of joy. I remember that they asked me if they wanted me to take him to the nursery so that I could rest...NO WAY the idea of him being taken away was not something I even wanted to think about. Not much has changed.

He is the most beautiful, frustrating and inspirational part of my life and I love him more than I ever thought possible.

I am delirious today...and I am sure it will last all day. I was up till real late baking brownies, and putting together birthday treat bags for his class. He is so excited to share this day with his friends at school.

I knew I wanted kids....I had originally wanted 2 or 3...but if I never have another child its ok....he has filled my heart and fulfilled my dreams by just being him.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

If there could only be more stories like this---from email

I received this in an email today...tears happened.

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children,the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe,that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked,"Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart.

The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home! Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.

Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND, NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message,chances are that you're probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up that opportunity to brighten the day of those with us the least able, and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

T-Ball in the Rain

So today was practice number 1...and well Steve did not practice. He stood on the side of the field whining and pulling on my shirt. We sat there in the rain for the entire practice. The coach (who is female) tried to get him to play but he would not. He was being very stubborn and aggravating. We have practice again on Saturday morning...hopefully that is better. Now of course he is perfectly happy being home....its that whole comfort level thing. He actually told the counselor that he only acts that way with me..not his dad. Owell we will try a couple more times and if he doesn't play he doesn't play.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Some things that people say.

There is a person at my work that seems to come up with some things that makes you wonder if she is really just clueless....

One day after my friend had gotten employee of the month, Sheri came into her office and said "Congratulations...it must be another rigged drawing huh?"

Gee thanks

Then one day we were in the training lab working on something and Sheri walked by and popped her head in and said "Are you ever going to be done training, you've been here forever by now?" That was to me since I am always in "training".

The other day there was a retirement reception for someone in the office and she was speaking to a rather large group about this person...
Sheri says "Cindy is one of the elite, part of the elite group that has the late lunch" I guess the rest of us are not so elite.

Just about every other day she stands in the lunch line an hour or so before its time and wants to pay for her lunch...she has been told many times that they don't take money for lunch early...she still trys and she still gets huffy when she is told NO.

Owell...it makes her feel good and we just laugh.

Oh then there is the bathroom bandit...this woman refuses to wash her hands. It never fails if she is inthe stall next to you and no one is washing or waiting...she will leave the stall and head straight for the door....I've seen her shoes...its always her.

Seattle huh....

Thomas asked me what a new person in Seattle should see. Being a native of this fine city and state one would think that I have some intelligent answer to provide, can’t say that I do. The truth is there are many things that this area has to offer that I have never had the opportunity to experience.

Things I have done/Places I have visited include
Visiting Pike Place market – that is always a fun afternoon.

Club hoping down on Pioneer Square – A fun night is usually had by all. But then again the last time I was down there for such an outing was over 10 years ago.

BumperShoot is always a fun time – the live music, the beer, the food, the beer, the dancing, the beer…again that was 10 years ago.

My favorite things about living in this state is that if you want to go visit the beach you can do that and spend the weekend at Ocean Shores. That was fun but you had to bring your own night entertainment because the town shut down at 9pm. I have heard it has changed but its been along time since I went. Then if you want to go to the mountains and enjoy the snow just go in the opposite direction. The first time I had ever gone to any of the local mountains to see snow was this past Christmas season. It was a blast.

During the summer – and yes we do have them – nice ones in fact. There are a lot of fun places to go that involve the water. Back in the 10 years and more bracket we used to go to Leavenworth and go river rafting. That was always a blast. There is always Lake Washington and many various lakes around to go to. My family owns property with access to Mason Lake where we camp during the summer. There we can swim, fish, do some boating…all in the name of fun!!

There was a time when cruising was still legal and we would cruise Alki Beach..fun..But the beach itself is still fun.

Years ago as a kid I had been to the Seattle Aquarium and plan to visit again with Steve but the waterfront itself can be fun too.

I remember visiting the Ballard locks with my mom and my siblings but – I think it was fun….it was a long time ago. Of course the Zoo is always a nice place to go.

Seattle Center was fun when I was a teenager. I have not been there in many many years. I remember going to a Scorpions Laser show---that was fun. The two friends I was with met their future husbands on that trip. One is still married.

The Pacific Science Center is fun but I thought the one in Houston was better when I took Steve there.

Many many parks. Taking a ferry ride is nice too. I hear it is nice to visit Vashon Island – but I have never been there.

Seattle Botanical Gardens – I went years ago and really liked it. There is a small one in Bellevue where I work and my co-worker and I walk through it often.

Ohh going to the Gorge in George is fun to. I only went once to see the Steve Miller Band play and I didn’t even know who he was till I went. We went for the whole weekend, camping near a river – it was hot and we had a great time. When I heard the band play it was like ‘OHH YEAH I know this band’

Years ago I even visited the Symphony and the Ballet….That was fun too.

Places I still want to visit
Discovery Park.
Mnt Rainer
Mnt St. Helens
The Childrens Museum
The Space Needle
Museum of Flight
Argosy Cruise
Spirit of Washington Train
Tillcum Village
Burke Museum
Golden Garden Park
Northwest Trek

So you see I am not really much help – but I can say its all out there to explore –you just have to do it. Does anyone else have some experience in Seattle or surrounding areas to share?

Monday, March 20, 2006

You just have to wonder...

Sometimes do you ever just laugh at yourself because you are not as smart as you once thought you were.

Sometimes things that should have been obvious just aren't and then you find out the truth and you just have to laugh.

I love it - I like being human!!

Back to work

Well its back to work/school for us today. We are still suffering from this nasty little virus but well enough to join the world.

My throat feels like a sand paper was taken to it. No not strep just a virus anytime I get one that is where it takes up residence. Steve is still coughing and was wheezing yesterday. He is still sleeping but his breathing sounds better now.

Well I am going to get up and do a few minutes of a workout.

I hope you all have a GREAT WEEK.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Some things.....hmmmm

Today Steve and I were heading to my parents house so that he could stay with my dad while mom my and I went birthday shopping for him. He had been difficult and argumentative with me all day. I said him

"Steve I hope that you will not be difficult with grandpa today and be a good listener"

Steve says to me "I will mom, I am always good with grandpa. I am just bad with you"

Well then, what can you say.

Yesterday we went to see the counselor and Steve talked and talked and talked. The counselor asked me how he slept and I said that he slept good but he did have bad dreams sometimes, sometimes he laughed in his sleep and sometimes he talked in his sleep. His counselor laughed and said "Not surprising..its almost surprising that he stops talking at all"

Last week Steve told his daycare teacher "My mom loves to do laundry"....well then I guess I have him fooled big time huh.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


I appreciate the support that I received here with my stories. But I have to say please don’t feel sorry for me. I am not a victim of anything except myself. I come here rant and rave about my life and in most cases the problem is myself. Sure my ex is irresponsible and only cares about himself but I shuffled the cards I was dealt and when I traded in my cards for a new set I wrote the rules for the new game.

I saw the problems that my husband had. I thought I could change those things. I wanted the family life and I thought that I could get that with my ex. I thought I was special enough to give my ex what he needed to be happy in life and in himself to stop drinking, stop doing drugs and just be happy. That was being stupid little school girl. That was not being realistic.

When I had finally been broken down enough, I decided that I had to take responsibility for the situation that I was in and do what had to be done to get out. To become healthy, become a good mother and a strong positive influence to my son were my goals. Those things all came with a price.

I wrote out our separation/divorce/parenting plan. All he had to do was sign on the dotted line. I knew I needed to get back to Washington where my family and support were. To do that, I gave up the idea of child support. The agreement was that in lieu of child support he was to pay for visitation costs including travel expenses for a parental travel partner. I know that child support is not for me but for my son but I also knew that he would fight me leaving the state if I did not do that. In the long run I think being here is more important for our well being than the money. He already pays support for 3 other kids. The only reason we have the $100 a month support agreement is because in the state we divorced in some support is mandatory. So there you have it. My job in this support agreement as it were is to have enough “balls” to hold him to his end of the deal. I have some control on how things go but only if I stand up for myself and my son. In two years or now a year I can go back and have the support agreement re-evaluated.

I whine here but I don’t think I deserve to be a victim. I just need the outlet. I am learning to be stronger and not hold in all of the anxiety and fear that I have about facing these things head on.

I am an easy going, easy to get along with, fun loving, confrontation avoiding, and pleasing type of person. Standing up for me is something I need to continue to work on. I can be all those things without being taken advantage of.

Anyway – Thanks for your support and know that I appreciate it.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Build it and They will Come

Well Steve and I stayed home again today. I thought we were going to be able to go into work/daycare today but when we woke up Steve was still running a little fever. He was coughing and all congested. I figured that since there was not any school anyway that it would be better to stay home and try to get better. I felt better today except that my throat felt like there was a large frog stuck in it.

Steve's birthday present from his dad came in the mail today. I let him open it early. I knew what it was and figured it would give him something to enjoy while he was sick. It was a Discovery Channel show about dinosaurs. There are four "films" included that tell stories about different types of dinosaurs. He really enjoyed it.

Tonight he called his dad to thank him. He talked to the step mom and the first thing she says is "OH, you opened it already"...duh.

Steve told me today that her son told him that they were brothers now. I said yes that was true since daddy married her. I asked him if he was ok with that and he said yes. Now he has a big brother. Of course his dad had not told him about any of this, gosh big surprise. He such a smart boy.

Tomorrow I take him to his first counseling appointment. We shall see how that goes.

My counselor says that in no uncertain terms should I be taking Steve down in the car to visit his father. The agreement was that his father pay for the visits and the travel. He doesn't really pay child support just for that purpose and he is still trying to get out of what he agreed. She says that from what I told her it is his reponsibility to plan, schedule, pay for and execute Steve's visits and since we split all he has ever done is pay for it. Now he is asking me to take our son in my car for 9 hours to visit him. Steve will be in the car for no less than 18 hours and its my time and my car....I know she is right but I don't know if I can

Thursday, March 16, 2006

cough cough..sneeze..wheeze

Steve and I stayed home today. We both woke up about 4:30 this morning with fevers. Fun stuff. At first he said he just wanted to lie down and watch movies all day. I gave him some cough meds and all of a sudden within minutes he was like a new kids. Wanting to play games, play with his toys, play catch..ANYthing by lie down and watch movies. he actually told me "Mom we are having fun today, right?" crazy kid.

Finally he is sleeping....We have been sick more this year than in the last couple of years. Now I can rest too.

Blindfold is on....

I was a step parent when I was married. It is a very hard thing to be. I never thought I was very good at it. I tried but it is harder than people who LOVE kids could ever imagine. I still talk to the girls once in awhile and they will always be my son’s sisters and I love that. They all love each other very much.

Before we got married we lived in an area that was an hour away from where the girls lived. That meant my ex had his girls every other weekend. We bought a house near them and after we were married it was finished being built and we moved in. Then we had the girls 7 out of every 14 days.

Several months after moving into the house Steve was born. Now I was a new mom, a step mom and my ex was busy going to school and working. I don’t know that I suffered post partum depression but I do know I was a very nervous and anxious first time mom. I remember feeling like all I wanted to do was to take care of my baby….how could I have enough time and energy to take care of the girls, the house and my husband all at the same time. At times things were so overwhelming.

We are given babies for a reason, we learn how to be tolerant, and we learn about the child, who they are, how they are, how they react to situations, and what they respond to. All these things happen as they grow and we grow with them. At each age there are new challenges but knowing about them I think parents have more knowledge of how to deal with each issue. Each child is so unique and how they grow and learn is never the same. Loving them was easy; it was the rest that was hard. I took my queue for the girls from their father and that did not work so well since his moods were all over the place.

The other thing I did not know or even slightly understand is how it was for them being in a split family. Dealing with living with their mom and then their dad, and then there was me and stranger now in the home with their dad. She we had spent a lot of time together and I had cared for them before. But this was different this was a home; they each had their own room, their things and their clothes all in two places and not with just their parents but with me.

When I went through my divorce there was a mandatory parenting class that I had to take. Steve’s dad was supposed to too…but because he took one a few years before during the settlement of the non-married child case he got out of it. Sad because I think he really needed a reminder. It’s a short class, does not take a lot of time. But I spoke volumes to me about how and what the kids go through. I took one online and then took another one in person. I heard other people tell their stories and I learned some things that could be felt with the divorce and again with the parent’s new relationships.

If and when I ever get into a relationship and that person is going to be involved with my son…..I am going to ask that they take that class or one like it….if they say no then I will feel like they really don’t want to be involved with my son and I was wrong about them. I wish I had taken a class like that before being a step parent I THINK it might have helped a little. Either way being a step parent is very hard.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


Here is a not so good picture of my new watch. I got it a couple of weeks ago. I do not consider myself a religious person by any means. But I do believe in God and I do believe that when I feel lost and alone I get carried through the tough times and am lucky to have that.

I also believe that those that we lose are with us and watch over us. I know my grandmother was with my when my son was born. I felt her with every ounce of my being. She was there. I feel my uncle when I need a laugh. I feel my cousins step son when I need to be reminded how hard it is to grow up and be a child.

Religion is something that people take so seriously and I get that; I understand that their religion, whatever it is, means a lot to them; what I don’t get is how they can use their religion as an excuse to HATE and KILL. It seems to me that who ever; whatever we each believe in as a higher power would want us to be good and supportive of each other; of mankind.

Someday I may find a church that speaks to me; but right now I believe that being a good person, trying to always be good, respectful and honorable to and with other people that my God will accept me. That is peaceful to me; it is comforting to me.

To be accepted is all I have EVER wanted. I just wanted it from people that could not; would not give it to me. I never just accepted that I needed it from myself. I am finding the courage and the confidence to believe that I am enough. Acceptance of myself is enough.

Right now I don’t have the energy to find the right church but someday…right now its like dating…I don’t want to weed through the ones that don’t work to find the right one…I just want to enjoy my time; myself and my son!!


One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

written by Mary Stevenson

Monday, March 13, 2006

Its all or nothing

Its all or nothing…Why is that? Why do friendships with men and women have to be all or nothing. I am not even talking about my “friend” Brett. I get that because things were more complicated that friendships can not withstand that. Ok FINE. But why is it that if you say “hey next time you are in town we should go to lunch”…is the kiss of death to what could be a friendship?

I signed up on Myspace to get a hold of my cousin. Well he is there and he is my “friend” but he doesn’t respond to email or anything for that matter. Anyway that is beside the point of this post.

What I have found on myspace were some school friends. First from college and then a couple of weeks ago I got a message from a high school friend. This friend was a guy who I went out to lunch with almost daily. It was myself, him and another girlfriend almost everyday for lunch. He lives on the other side of the country so its not like I expected or even thought of getting together. But in one of the many emails we exchanged he said that he has traveled back here to visit family. And me being what I guess is just totally clueless says…oh well have to go grab lunch if you visit again.

Mistake I guess because I have not heard from him again in over a week and before that it was daily. It is like I said “hey your going to come visit? Great lets get married and then you can support me and my kid”

Anyway it got me to thinking about all the other guy friends I have had over the years. Usually I had more guy friends than female…they don’t take my boyfriends. Well that was before I got married but anyway…….

I don’t get why men and women can’t be friends. And at what age does that happen? I mean I used to hang out with guys and have it not be a big deal and not have them think I was trying to tie them down….of course then I would lose them to their girlfriends…..it just irritates me that it has to be all or nothing. Can’t everyone just relax and be friends?

But then again...the other person that has contacted me via myspace from high school is my high school best friends ex husband. OK now that is weird...I don't want to hang out with him. He is an ok guy and all but...The only reason I knew him was through her and she is still my friend and hanging out with her ex husband is not even something I slightly think is right or fun.....again another complication. No wonder I have stayed in my own little world and not explored more....to many darn complications.

Ok I am done now......

Moving on.....

Well Thanks to all for your support!! I ended up compromising with the ex. Steve will be going down to visit for 5 weeks instead of six. Dave said…”He has NEVER had ANY problems while he has been visiting me”. That’s his idea of everything is ok. To be fair he only thinks about what happens when Steve is with him and has no concept of anything outside of his own little world. And he did not have to call me when Steve got so upset during a thunderstorm that he could not calm him down or when there were bugs in their tent…..Oh yeah he did. Poor Steve was beside himself and I talked him through the panic. That was at the end of the last summer’s visit. The scary part is that the ex has not acknowledged my compromise….he got the email and said nothing. But then again that is par for the course for him these days.

I did call the counselor that Steve’s school counselor highly recommended. She was not on my insurance but I figured that helping Steve cope was better than winging it. I am trying to do what is best for everyone and making sure my son has the tools to cope is the most important. That counselor did not have any availability but after speaking with me she recommended someone else in her office. We have an appointment next Saturday and this one is covered by my insurance. He is a smart, intelligent, sensitive, loving child and much like me he feels the hurt others feel. I don’t want him to feel my hurt I want him to feel my love. I think…THINK….I am doing ok with that.

Steve and I went to the Zoo yesterday. We had a great time. It was much more crowded this time compared to last time. We just walked for hours looking at all the animals.

We saw this eagle....I have mixed feelings about him being locked up and unable to fly...but I have to say it was an amazing site. I did a report on the Bald Eagles years ago in middle school I think.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It is soooo hard

I feel like a broken record....
and sometimes I feel like I don't have another ounce of strength left inside...

Steve's Dad emailed tonight. He said he wants Steve for 6 weeks this summer and he wants us to meet 1/2 way...thats at least a 9 hour drive for me. He said that at anytime Steve wanted to go home he could.

I said 2 things....6 weeks is not 4 weeks and his school counselor said 4 weeks was a long time for a child his age to be away from home. I asked if he was planning on compensating me for my gas and a hotel because I can not drive 18 hours by myself...then I asked him again about Spring Break...I already knew the answer but I needed him to confirm it.

He called and talked to Steve. Asked Steve if it was ok for him not to visit during spring break but to visit longer during the summer. Told him that they were going to go to Disney Land, Universal Studios....visit family..etc.....

Then he emailed me...stating that 4 weeks is a long time to be away from a parent but he is not going to be with STRANGERS....well ok kinda. And that Steven has never had any problems when he has visited.

Right now I feel like the weakest person on the planet...all I want to do is say FINE..but I KNOW its not what is best for Steve because I am here everyday I know. But at the same time I also feel guilty about that......So maybe I should say Ok.
But I sent an email and said "Yes no problems....and he stayed 4 weeks last year so we will do 5 weeks this year like we both agreed.

Then on top of all that old anger came back....because here he is again presenting his life as the perfect family life...they are going to do all these wonderful things...that I may NEVER get to do with my son because I am the responsible one.....

I have not cried in MONTHS...but here I sit....crying.....because I am angry ...at me and at him...and who pays the price for all our CRAP...my innocent little boy. I just want to do whats right....Sometimes I can't believe that I was given the privilege to do this...to be the one that is responsible for this little boy....

The first possible disappointment.....

Awhile ago I had mentioned that Steve might be going to visit his dad during Spring break. That was a good thing because shorter more frequent visits are recommended....I thought that he would be going to visit because his dad had asked him about it and asked him if he wanted to visit during the spring break.

Well Steve's dad and I have not discussed it but I did not see a problem. About a month ago I sent him an email asking him about it.....we have not talked on the phone since Steve's last visit. He never responded to that email. Yesterday I forwarded the same email and asked him if he was still planning in Steve visiting this time he responded. He said that with the plane ticket prices being so high that he would just like to have Steve for two months during summer break. He has to pay for 3 round trip tickets because I wont let Steve fly on his own, nor do I believe that Steve would get on a plane on his own. All of which was agreed on when I left.

I was proud of myself because I responded that I still dont think that Steve being there for more than 4 weeks or MAYBE 5 weeks would be a good idea. Then I added that I wished he had thought about the cost before talking to Steve about the visit.

I don't feel sorry for the man at all. He pays me $100 a month and that is for child support in our paperwork but that is actaully for his portion of a student loan that we consolidated. The only reason it looks like child support in the paperwork is because it is required in the state we divorced in. He could plan for these visits, put money aside for these visits, plan ahead just a little. I told him last time that we could go back to court and renogotiate but that I was not going to back down on his paying for all 3 plane tickets when we are in this current agreement.

So the basis of the story is that Steve might not be going to visit his dad during spring break. And I am probably going to be the one that has to break that news to him.

The bad dream come true

Monday night Steve and I went to Skate King for a school party. We were getting ready to leave and he wanted to play just one more game after he had played just one more game.....I said no. He grabbed my shirt which was a snap up shirt.....every snap came undone before I realized what was happening...

Yup my worst dream come true....half naked at a school function....luckily according to Steve "What, No one was looking"

OH..then heck what's my problem.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

My Weekend..

Steve and I stayed home from school and work on Friday. All week we had both been fighting off a cold virus of some sort. Thursday I excused Steve from doing his page of handwriting homework after he did not eat more than two bites of his dinner. I laid him on the couch and allowed him to watch a movie. The new rule has been no TV on school nights....but I broke that rule because I knew he was not feeling well. He watched his movie and then went to bed and was asleep before 8pm. That is unheard of for him. He woke up the first time at 9:30 to throw up..then again a couple more times. After sleeping in the next morning, he seemed to feel pretty good all day. He usually does bounce back pretty quick.

Saturday we continued to keep it pretty low key and he was feeling good so I took him to the baseball clinic at the high school. It was touch and go there at first; he was hiding behind my arm as the coach introduced the high school players to the boys....but one of the older boys stopped and talked to Steve and in a couple of seconds he was on his way. He ran the field, played catch, played the catcher, tried to catch some fly balls, and practiced hitting the ball before telling me his ear was hurting. I asked a couple of times before we left if he was sure he did not want to finish out the clinic and he said no, his ear was hurting. But the clinic was wonderful..they do it every year and the high school boys were very good with the younger boys. I watched everything...it was great.

Steve never did run a fever....and if his ear continues to hurt I will take him to the doctor....today not word one about his ear. He woke up this morning at 6am because his throat hurt and he was all stuffed up. I think his throat was all dry from breathing through his mouth. He is sleeping very restlessly tonight, so we shall see.

Last night was my night out and my sister came over to stay with Steve and I went. We went to a different casino...I played the slots for $5. That was my limit to loose...not real crazy about the gambling..I would much rather watch other people lose their money.

We went with Lynn's friend from California. She was tiny..she was also a red head. So we had the blond, brunette and the red head...It was actually kind of funny. I had a good time...once I left my house and could not change my shirt anymore I was ok..not feeling all self conscious. Lynn's friend was really tired from their night out the night before so it was kind of a low key night. It was fun and I am glad I went.

We met a bunch of other women there...they were all married. One of them told us that she took off her wedding ring for the night so that she could have some "fun"...not sure what she meant by that. I mean why could she not have fun with her ring on? Because some guy might not ask her to dance or something...she should not be dancing with a strange man anyway, why not just dance with your girlfriends...thats fun. Ohh the whole idea just makes me sick. My ex used to take his ring off when he played in his band until he finally "lost" it. If you don't want to be married then don't be....let the other person get on with their lives but dont play this stupid cat and mouse game....taking off your ring for a night out on the town...I think that is very disrespectful of your most sacred relationship. ok I am done now.

Next month with be my sisters birthday so grandma and grandpa are going to watch Steve so I can take my sister out....we will do what she wants to do so I am sure it will be a small local bar...at least there wont be any smoking in it....last night my eyes were burning so bad from the smoke I could not stand it.

Well I think I will try to visit you all before I go to sleep.


From another email -FUNNY

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

Friday, March 03, 2006

I have this guy..

On my mind. He has been on my mind a lot over the last 13+ years......Its been awhile but he is back. I think it is because he is getting married for the second time this month. I know it and although I have not seen him, talked to him, exchanged emails with him for almost a year now.....He still has a place in my head and in my heart.

I try not to have regrets..I mean everything that happens in life happens for a reason and it makes us who we are. Sometimes things are "not fair" but then life in general is not always fair.

The first time I saw Brett I was 21....I was a bar hanging out with my cousin and his wife...I saw him walk in with some other people and I told my cousin that he was the type of guy I wanted to go out with....but I never met guys like that. Funny thing to say since I really did not know what kind of guy he was..I did not know him I just saw him.

I met him when I was 22 he happened to a cousin of a friend of mine. I had met her years before because she was married to another friends brother. We had lost touch when they divorced. Gina and I got back into touch and started hanging out..I started meeting her family, Brett was one of those family members.

What ensued was a friendship that at times was a friendship with benefits. It ended up that way because I thought the only way he would want to hang out with me and get to know me was if I had sex with him sooner rather than later. That was my mistake....I believe to know me is to love me...knowing me, people can see that I am a good and loving person...but I never gave myself the credit to say that being me was enough to have someone fall in love with me. That whole self confidence thing rearing its ugly head.

We have not been intimate in more than 10 years...but we have managed to be in contact at different times during those years. We were in contact at the end of my marriage. He was supportive through email and encouraged me to seek counseling to save my marriage....and continued to be supportive in my decision to divorce. His first marriage had ended the year before mine. When I got back I had the illusion that we would hang out like friends do. I don't think he ever wanted things to go back to the way there were. I read that book "He's just not that into you"...and well that was us. It was hard to admit that I had really destroyed that possibility of anything ever happening with us by being so insecure....but I believe that to be true. But I felt good about having a friendship after all those years. He was a good friend and having that was enough and meant alot.

Brett met his fiance online last year. Although we periodically emailed each other he did not tell me his email was changing....I know it did because of two things..the rejected email I got from his old server and the email address that is now on forwarded emails from his cousin. It still makes me sad that not only will he ever take me seriously in a relationship....I lost that friend because maybe we were really never friends. I guess it could be that we were friends but the friendships of men and women get too complicated once they get intimate to last when one of them finds their true love.

I hope that this time he finds the happiness that we all deserve.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Mindless things..

desperate for a post I guess.

______________# 1______________________

Thank You,
GI Jane
___________________# 2 _______________________

Thank you,
GI Jane
______________# 3________________________

Thank You,
GI Jane

From a conversation heard at Starbucks....
"Be on time"
"Always use the right tool for the Job"

...makes one think.. Isn't the right tool for the job the one that gets it done.
Thats why people MACGYVER things to make them work.


My head hurts...I don't feel well...I actually feel very overwhelmed with things at work...maybe it has to do with the big one year anniversary approaching...now there is no learning curve excuse for not knowing what I am doing...well ok there is still things to learn of course but you know what I mean.

This weekend is my once a month night out and we are going to another casino. My friend is bringing her friend who is visitng from California. This woman is tiny and my friend is blond and blue eyed...owell I might be a little out of place but at least I will be out and about.

Anyway...just random boring stuff.

happy mid week..almost the weekend!!