Monday, January 29, 2007

I know where some of it comes from

post got me thinking..yet again about this....(talk about self obsessed)

I know that sometimes I am self obsessed and think that I will walk into a place and be the laugh of everyone. I think about it and know that the world does not revolve around me...and get over it. It takes time..but it does work.

I know where these feelings come least in part.

When I was 2 years old my parents looked at me and noticed that there was something wrong with my eyes......I had a condition called "lazy eye", "crossed eyed" or the other name Strabimus. I was put into glasses - thick glasses. When I was 4 or 5 I was operated on...again glasses with a patch over one eye.....

I stared school with very thick lenses....I was teased very much. The focus that was put on me was about my glasses for what felt like each and every time I walked into a room.

As a kid you don't have a clear understanding of what is happening..... your perception is not reality, it all feels so drastic and dramatic to you. You just know you are a focus and what feels like "everyone" is looking and laughing at you all the time.

As I grew up I was the tallest, most developed girl around....not only that I had many many freckles and "odd" green eyes, all of which made for GREAT teasing points.

All these things are to my benefit NOW, I thank god that my parents took me into the eye doctor to get my eyes fixed......but as a child all of these things were to my detriment... I never learned how to stick up for myself or to believe that those kids were just cruel....I took the teasing over and over again and it hurt ALOT. I worked very hard at doing for others just to be a person that people would like.

I do not believe that I am the focus in any situation in fact it has been my practice to make sure that I am not. I may be self obsessed at times...but its not because I really believe that anything revolves around me...its because I want to make sure that IT NEVER does....not even a little bit.

I hope that I am teaching Steve to accept others for what they are and not pick them apart in anyway. We are all unique and we are all special, we are all weird to SOMEONE.....

btw...I hope everyone is having a great week and I will try to visit soon!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

The mind goes round and round....

It is kind of funny when you think about how your mind works and how your thoughts resolve and expand.

This morning on the radio they were talking about the Super Bowl. I started thinking about mind dialog went something like this...

"hmmm I wonder if movie guy watches football"
"I wonder if he watches it with his kids"
"I remember when I was a kid my dad watched football all day on Sunday"
"It was kind of funny when I had my own helmet and football while watching with my dad"
"To spend time with dad on Sunday meant watching football"
"At least he did not like college ball"
"My family really enjoys football and the Seahawks even though they have struggled all the time"
"My dad didn't ever enjoy any other sports...just Sunday football"
"We used to all roll our eyes when my grandpa would come over with his little radio listening to the Mariners"
"None of the rest of us were into baseball, and really not the Mariners"
"Grandpa really enjoyed them"
"When grandpa passed away grandma still enjoyed her Mariners since they used to always watch it together"
"When she moved in with my parents they started watching the Mariners with her"
"Now its like a family event to watch the Mariners and really get into the game"
"Gram was never really happy when she was living with my parents"
"She really wanted to be on her own although she felt lost without gramps"
"She was happier when she moved into her own apartment"
"Grams was the sweetest, worry wart around"
"hmmm I miss her, dad says I am just like her"

Fond memories

This is better than it was

Your Social Anxiety Level: 60%
You have moderate social anxiety.It's possible that you have a serious social anxiety problem.But it's also likely that you can help yourself, by getting out more and trying new, scary activities.No one's secretly judging you. So be yourself, and if you screw up, just laugh.

Had this been a year ago it probably would have read 80-90%. Progress not perfection.

I am going out tomorrow night. Steve is staying the night with my parents. I am going to a bar where my friends step daughter is having her 21st birthday party. I don't really know her step daughter but she invited me so I might as well go hang out, it is a public place right. My sister is going to go with me. We both need to get out and about more. That is the goal. I figured that I probably did make it out and about at grown up events at least 12 times last thats not bad huh.... 8)

Have a GREAT Weekend everyone!!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Non Movie Night

Well tonight was supposed to be the night that we were going to go to the movie ..but we are not going.

I had a feeling Thursday and Friday that it would not happen. Of course me being me it was because I was not good enough and something else better came along.

I got a message yesterday afternoon from the movie guy and he asked if we could postpone for a couple of weeks. He said he had a bunch of stuff going on and alot of it had to do with one of his kids.

What can you say...of course I understand things come up. Do I believe it? Sure I have no reason not to and he said he wanted to do it in two weeks.

I am worried about me...I seem to expect the worst and am worried that I will always think that way. But I guess time will tell. I am going to counseling what else can I do but continue to work on it.

More on this later.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

This is funny

Got this in an email today...I laughed out loud so did my friend Kelly.

Subject: Diary of a Snow Shoveler (hilarious)

December 8:

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?

Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, lt's like being a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.

Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.

More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out.

Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:

Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.

I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:

Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.

Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot.

If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.

She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.

That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

More Snow in Seattle

I have lived here most of my life and never have I experienced a winter such as this one. Today will be day 8 of school closures in Steve's district. Its plain crazy. More snow this morning. It is supposed to change to rain later but right now it has been snowing for almost 4 hours again.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


That is me...I am a weenie.

We had some snow this past week. Since then it has been very cold. The night it snowed it took me 3 hours to get home and for others it took much longer. I had to drive 30 miles on the freeway that night and it was covered with snow and ice. It has since cleared up alot as far as the main line streets go but there is still snow on the ground and many residential areas still have ice on the roads.

This evening Steve was supposed to go to a birthday party near where he goes to school, which is that lovely 30 miles away. We were all set to go and then at 1:00 pm this afternoon it started lightly snowing. The reports all said..oh no not much snow, no accumulation etc...etc...It still made me nervous. I thought for sure by the time we went to leave it would be done.

Well it wasn't and it started sticking on my car.....right as we were getting ready to leave I made the executive decision to not make the trek to the party. I made the call to the child's parents and we stayed home. About an hour later..the snow stopped and it ended up being a none event.

In my defence it had been snowing for 3 hours....every so lightly and it started to stick.

Owell....we still have the present and Steve really seems like he couldn't care any less about the fact that we did not go.

I just did not want to get stuck and force us to drive on the snow covered freeway.....Owell

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Searching for the perfect diet....

People are actually searching for the cookie diet.

Come on people ...I know its not easy..but calorie control, portion control and exercise really do work. Last year at this time I wanted to lose 25-35 lbs...I did lose 20 lbs between this time last year and this year...not enough for me to be satisfied but I will take it and keep going from here.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Its Snowing...

Its kinda doesn't snow in Seattle...just all around us. But here we have it. Lots and Lots of snow...It took me 3 hours to drive home tonight. I think there are others that had it much worse than I all of you on the road. Good luck and be safe. We are excited to play in the snow tomorrow!!

I hope all is well with everyone!!

Monday, January 08, 2007


"That sounds like an excellent Idea"

Thanks guys I needed the extra encouragement....I know whats the worst that can happen - he says no..right. But this time he didn't.

I did not call....but email because that is how we have been communicating generally.

We wont be going this weekend but next because he has his kids this weekend. Works for me...although I kinda had plans to tag along with my sister and her friend....Owell they will make it just fine without me.

relief....I did not want the disappointment again.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

So what is right and what is not?

When I was young my mom was very adamant that it was not appropriate for a girl to call a boy on the phone. I did anyway because I was boy crazy and just wanted to talk to them. The best almost relationship that I have ever had was with a guy that I asked out the first time. I say almost because he never took me or our “relationship” seriously. Sometimes I blame that on my aggressiveness.

But I don’t think that would be true for every guy. Look at my brother. A great guy. He works hard, he is responsible, supportive, and an overall great catch. But he is too shy. He would love to have some woman ask him out. Even if he did not feel at first that she was his type he would go out and have a good time. Give it a chance and then let her know if things were going in a direction that he did not feel comfortable with. Let her know that there was a real connection between them. He is “shy” and does not feel comfortable asking someone out unless he has spent more time with them in social situations with friends. That is they way he is.

I have heard/seen that some guys feel that if a woman asks them out..she must be desperate….so they become not interested. Then you have the other guys who are upset that more women don’t ask guys out…its kind of a catch 22.

Where is this all going…I really want to go see a “scary” movie and want to ask someone to go with me…should I take that chance or just wait till it comes out on video and save if for when I do have someone to watch it with?

I know that there really is no “right” answer…but opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Welcome 2007

2007 survey...
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Nope – I am very happy where I am at.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I am always open to new friendships and a personal relationship would be nice.

3. New house?
Not this year

4. What will you do different in 07?
I don’t think I will do anything different – just keep working to be better, do more and see more.

5. New Years resolution?
Keep working on being happy with myself. DATE

6. What will you not be doing in 07?
getting divorced or married

7. Any trips planned?
hopefully to Arizona this summer to visit family and friends

8. Wedding plans?

9. Major thing on your calendar?
Same ol

10. What cant you wait for?

11. What would you like to see happen different?
I would like my family and friends to have a better year overall.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I am going to keep working and making myself happy

13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen?
nothing that I know of..

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I will try to be nicer to them all its part of working on being a better person– I always try to do that.

15. Will you dress differently this year then you did in 06?
Who knows

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I don’t drink much now and it probably wont change much

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
I have a wonderful relationship with my family and would not change it.

18. Will you do charity work?
I try when I can.

19. Will you go to bars?
I do sometimes

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I try to be nice to everyone

21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
Sure no reason that I know of for it not to be a good one.

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I think I am happier and more confident

23. Do you plan on having a child?

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Sure I love my friends and I am lucky to have them.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Just continue to work on eating better and doing more in the way of exercise.

26. Will you be moving?

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06?
not believing in myself and realize I deserve better

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I was at my brothers party

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
not this year

30. One wish for 07?
to be happy