Thursday, July 20, 2006


Its been one week since I spent 18 hours in and out of airports to pick up my little angel baby. I can say that it has been a FAST where did it go week....

He is home and WE ARE BOTH VERY VERY happy about that.

2 weeks was long enough and he is happy to be home. What can I say....all works out as it is supposed to. I just need to stop fretting about it all and just go with it. Being home is the best thing for him. He has come home and expressed a new world of understanding about his father and where he stands in his life....and he is ok. He is really ok. He has needed me and my undivided attention this last week and I am more than happy to make sure he has been getting it.

I was afraid he would be disappointed and crushed by having to come home early, by not getting to do all the things that all his father had promised, by not getting to be with daddy...and I was going to have to pick up the pieces. But that is not what happened.....he is happy to be home and he knows I love him and he knows that he is important above all else to me.....he knows that and he needs that.

He has said things in this last week that really shows his deep understanding of how his daddy's life has different priorities then having him in it....much more understanding than a kid of 6 should have to have...but he is ok and he will be ok. Maybe it is better that he be faced with it now instead of when he is older....maybe it will be better for him later......but I am sure he will get his hopes up again...and they will be disappointed again.....and we will cross that bridge when we come to it.....right now I am thankful for having him home and having him feel safe and having him feel loved. He deserves that....

Needless to say...I have neglected my blog land friends again....I will visit again soon. Please take care all of you. Have a GREAT, SAVE and Loving weekend!!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Back to normal...

Well I had big plans for this summer vacation.....Steve was visiting his dad, which is never easy for me because I am lost without him. But this summer unlike last summer I was ready to explore a "single" life, get some home things done and just be a little carefree. Not really knowing what that meant but it was just going to be really about me and what I wanted to do.....

Instead I had two very short weeks and tomorrow I go back to California to get Steve and bring him home. He is coming home early by his dads choice. I am excited to have him home as he is my life.......but I was looking forward to the free time.

I have been out and about a little....and I have gotten some things done at home....never enough though. But owell, thats ok, it all never really goes away. I am more comfortable being Steve's mom than anything else in the world so it is all as it should be.

To all of you who have kids remember you made the choices that brought them into this world....take care of them. They deserve to be taken care of and loved unconditionally. They are the inocent ones...we corrupt them.

For those of you too young to have kids..and you know who you are...remember to live your life and have fun, be carefree BEFORE having your kids. You can still have a WORLD of fun and excitement when the kids come...its just different and they deserve your full commitment to them. For me that commitment is complete and without question....for others they question it everyday. As parents we all deserve a personal life but not at the cost of our kids...and some parents forget that or ignore that or think it doesn't matter. But it does.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Is it just me?

I am wondering what some other opinions are about far everyone I have talked to agrees with me... but then I have not talked to the direct party as of yet...only in an email response.

I have a large extended family and we are all very close. Next month we are all going to Idaho and renting a "house" on a lake for a week long vacation. We are all going in on it and sharing in the cost. I guess you could say that there are 6 families going.

The families are defined as...
1. Myself and Steve
2. Rachel (my sister)
3. Trevor (my brother)
4. The Smiths (family of 3 including 2 adults and 1 school age child)
5. The Johnsons (family of 5 including two adults, 2 school age kids, 1 baby)
6. The Petersons (family of 4 including two adults, 2 teenages)

I got the email today letting us know what the costs were and notifying us that the money needs to be paid by the first of the month.

From: Mrs Johnson
I need to collect $460 each from the Smiths, Petersons and Kylee. Kylee I think we told Rachel and Trevor that they were to pay $100 each. I need to pay the balance by the 1st.

MMMMM does that seem extreme to anyone else? I was moody at the time of the email and said ok but that I will have to skip the next family vacation. Myself and Steve can not afford to pay equal amounts to the other families. I have full time daycare costs and receive no support. I was very moody...but I think the fair way to do this is to either pay equally per adult or pay equally per head not counting the baby. But maybe I am not thinking about this realistically.

I already talked to Rachel and we agreed that if Trevor agrees we will combine our total amount and split it 4 ways. I think that is fair for us anyway. I really kind of don't like to stick up for myself and I don't think I did it correctly here...but I said something instead of just taking what I thought was not really fair.

What do you think? How would you handle it?


Sunday, July 09, 2006


My office is bigger than your office.....

I mean really WHO CARES.

I have been working for the same place for 16 months now. I have an office in a different building than the one I usually work in. I have probably spent a maximum of 5 days in that office since I have started. Instead I share my friend Kelly's office or for a short amount of time I shared another office with someone else. I don't complain. I don't really care except for feeling like I am taking up their space with my crap. Well my boss and others decided that I should be housed at this building since my "customers" are mostly located in this building. The problem was deciding where to put me. They decided to build me an office within one of the floors. It has been a "nightmare" ever since.

Office politics are ridiculous and are even worse when they deal with work space. But the person who could care less about the space I work in gets the BIGGEST office and it is causing BIG issues. I can not believe how much people care and create havoc about an office that is 2 feet bigger than the other offices. I just need a computer or 3 and I am happy. Give me a milk carton to sit on and I am good. Why all the dilemma? It is crazy and stupid if you ask me. It almost makes me want to go back to the other building BUT that would mean I was not truly serving my purpose at work and then WHAT'S the POINT.

Ok I am done. But for the record my office being bigger than anyone else's means nothing more than it is the last office built on the floor and I am the only one that is not already settled. NOTHING ELSE, its not a corporate status symbol.


I don't know what to title this. Hodge podge I guess.

Each day I learn a little more about life, and then I usually forget what I learned or go back to old habits. The worst part of my bad habits is my self detriment. I have always looked at myself at not being good enough for anything really. I blame that outlook for the bad things in my life and I credit the good things in my life to my loving family and outstanding friends.

I KNOW that I need to create my own destiny of happiness and I have known that for a long time. I just seem to forget and try to find other things to create that for me. Usually the things I look for to create that are "relationships". Of course this is a huge mistake and again comes from looking outside myself to provide my self love and self justification.

This weekend I spent it just living some of my life and looking within to "remember" what I need to do. The first thing I need to do is "love" myself and remember that I am good enough and I am a GREAT WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL person. I am all those things each and everyday. I just don't tell myself that enough. I am like a bad influence on myself and tell myself all the bad things that I am/do not talking about the positives.

That is going to change. I am going to work HARDER on remembering that.


Steve comes home on Friday. I will spend another 20 hours in and out of airports on Friday and bring my little angel baby home. I have talked to him each evening. Today he was making me a picture. Just for me. I am looking forward to bringing him home.


I spent yesterday with my cousin J's girlfriend and now 5 month old baby. It was amazing and very special. She contacted me last weekend and said we should meet for coffee. She wants her baby to know the other part of J's family. J has been avoiding us all for a year and a half now. He is embarrassed and I think it is easier for him to avoid us all then face his irresponsibility. Later I followed her to their home and saw J after he was done working. I hugged him and told me we miss them and we love them. We are always family first. I hope that this is the beginning to him letting us back in. My uncle is a proud grandpa. I know that he is with them each and everyday. I wish J's girlfriend and his baby had gotten a chance to know J's dad....but I know he is proud.

Thanks to everyone for your support. I ramble here and "blow" a gasket at things. Its my outlet and I don't expect people to care or even notice....but you who read this are amazingly wonderful and I appreciate your comments and your support.

Thank you

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

One for the I CAN'T BELIEVE IT category

Guess what...Steve is coming home early. Yup......Dad said that he needs to send Steve home early. 3 Weeks early. His dad says that they have to move to another state again at the end of the month. Wow that's pretty fast moving huh....

I am both excited to get Steve back and so MAD. We worked hard to get ready for this trip.....I had plans for ME. I am working on defining WHO I am. The failed date I blame on me and my inability to know WHO I am. All I know how to be anymore is Steve's Mom and an employee. Those are the things I think I do relatively well. Other than that I still don't know HOW to be me. This was my time. I had a game plan. So I feel guilty for feeling cheated.

NOT to EVEN mention STEVE and his feelings. My gosh how much does this poor kid have to deal with. I know kids go through it everyday. Their parents disappoint them and cheat them out of the one thing they deserve...Time and attention. BUT I still don't think its fair that any of them have to go through it. Lets get our priorities straight people. Its all about the kids. Some effort would be appreciated. I COULD just scream.

Anyway dad wanted me to make all the arrangements for the change in flights etc.....I told him that he needs to do it. I will make it work whatever he does...Like I always do.

I love my Steve....I hope that I can be the best person I can be for him.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


and the best way I can describe how I feel about dating.....

I went on my first "real" date since my divorce. I wanted to go on this "date". I do use the term lightly because we had only met each other on line before this meeting.

Maybe I am just not ready. I think it went "alright"....sometimes when I think about it....I get the feeling he really just wanted it to be over and to go away....I don't know if I will ever hear from him again...and I would like to.

Me guarded and awkward, Him confident and how I saw us that night...all in all not a good combination.

I don't think my growing but still very low self esteem/confidence can handle the rejection that comes with dating...I mean really how am I ever going to get a second date if I am so guarded and on edge that I just can't be myself.

I will go out with the other guy this week...I think I can handle that..but there may not be much in the way of dates for me in the near future I don't think I have a strong enough hide for it yet......I honestly don't think I was as worried about what he thought or how I was during the evening....but I know I was not as comfortable as I SHOULD be to be me, to be in my own skin. In my image of what the evening was going to bring I was much more outgoing than what happened in reality.

So now I am the one disappointed. And I find myself trying to think of ways to get him to see the real me...because like I said if I get him to spend some time getting to know me...who could help but like me 8) Of course I now know that I can't "make" anyone spend time with me...they either want to or don' given my "first" impressions ability..I don't see much in the way of second dates coming my way.

In other news...I have talked to Steve every day. So far everything seems to be going well. I miss him...I feel lost without him....Lonely really...very very lonely.

I hope everyone has a great week.