Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Nothing exciting or remotely interesting...but here we go....

ICE CREAM - Plastic.

So when I got the big piece of plastic in my ice cream I sent the manufacturer an email via their website to let them know what I had found. I received an email back asking me to attach the piece of plastic to a piece of paper and send it in the self addressed stamped envelope that I would soon be receiving in the mail. Also I should expect to see a couple of gift certificates for two containers of their product in hopes that this offering would renew my confidence in their product.

It took 10 days but I did get the self addressed envelop and the two gift certificates for some free ice cream....yummers. Yes I am going to use them and I will send them this piece of plastic and will probably never hear another word about it. But I will enjoy my ice cream.

Today I walked out of the training room where we were hosting a training session for a software package into buckets of rain on my head. YUP I am tired of it..I have decided. But I am hoping this means that it will be a really nice spring and summer...one can hope..if not we shall be floating to South America before we know it.

Steve and Counseling -
So last week I talked to the counselor at Steve's school and asked if she would talk to him and see if she saw a need for him to speak to a counselor. At the time she said that at this time in his life he was probably fine and would not need to see one. After talking to him the first thing he said is "He is such a sweet boy"...Then "he could benefit from seeing a counselor". Ok Well there you have it....

I have been so tired the last couple of days that I can hardly stand myself....I don't know where it comes from....its like an overwheling urge to sleep while standing...I don't think anyone would notice..unless I fall into their lap. The good news for everyone around me is that although I am extremly tired and could just sleep at any moment....I am not grumpy....so if you see someone standing there with their eyes closed with a smile on their face..its probably me...sleeping.

To the CASINO -
I have been invited to go to a casino this weekend. I will ask my parents if they can watch Steve for me....they say they want me to go out once a month..so we shall see. I don't gamble but maybe there is a show to see...I guess one could say just watching the people throw their hard earned cash into a slot on a machine hoping to get rich is a show....oh..My parents do that on a regular basis..mmmmmmm

I still can't believe it....it must be a dream...I guess I will believe it when they play on Sunday.

Monday, January 30, 2006

I could not believe my eyes

I walked out of the dungeon that has been my office for the last week and was shocked to see that it was not only NOT raining but it was still daylight and sunny out!!!

It was a wonderful sight.

I think I am finally getting tired of the rain that really...really does not bother me.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hot Dog For Sale

OK....so did you hear about the hot dog that is for sale on EBAY...its over $10,000 and there are still 5 days left to bid.

Now that is insane...Wish I'd thought of it...

  • Friday Tidbits.....

    This is just a bunch of tidbits from the week. It was a long week. But its over…Time to relax. It’s a real HOT HOT night at my house. I am doing laundry, I did 5 miles on the Gazelle and I am “gonna wash that gray right outa my hair”.

    I got an invitation to dinner in the mail. Yes a free dinner for me and a guest…ohh yeah.. Great I can take a “date”…whatever. If I go to “dinner” I not only get a GREAT dinner or maybe just a slab of meat with some runny mashed potatoes and stringy string beans but I get a handy dandy day planner; a day planner that would be full of tips and tricks to a successful Internet business. All I have to do is sit in on a 90 minute presentation on a new Internet business and earning strategies….oh yeah and then there is the several hundred dollar investment that would be required to sign up for this business venture.

    It makes me wonder how many people really attend these “dinners” and then how many people end up investing their hard earned money into these “businesses”. Maybe I can find just the right guest to accompany me (bribe them with a free dinner) and go. Then when the ask me to invest in their little Internet Venture I will just tell them that “sorry I don’t have any money…I just filed for bankruptcy”…maybe then they will leave me alone and I can still get the free day planner…….but then again my guest might loose their mind sitting through that and shoot me for placing them in that painful situation…..better yet....I don’t need a date or a night out that bad.

    Saw an email today where someone was asking for support for their problem with a software package. When they run it on their 2 year old Compaq their keyboard would freeze….Well there you have it…got a Compaq…I suggest Dell or something else.

    I have gotten so many emails this week with headings like…
    They are all people asking for all my private information; name, age, bank account information,SSN….shoe size. If I do this I will have 12 million dollars transferred into my account and all I have to do is give some back to them and keep a large portion of the proceeds after taxes. I mean come on; do people really buy that crap. One I got not to long ago, said that he represented a long lost relative of mine or at least we had the same last name and wanted to give me the inheritance of 24 Million. Since I married into the last name maybe I should have sent it to my ex…he probably would have done it.

    20 years ago was that fatal day for the Challenger shuttle. I remember seeing the disaster in school. It was a very somber day. I can still visualize that tragedy in my mind as if I had just seen it. My friend at work remembered what she was doing that evening….and she will never forget it. She called her husband and asked if he remembered and he said he did...…now they are going to celebrate that day....not the bad part about the shuttle of course….but the good part that they both remember. They say that tragedy brings people closer…I guess it does 8)

    It’s so nice when you work on a project for months and then find out it was all for not when the person who did not look at the supporting documents say “oh that’s not going to work because that setting does not support the rest of our processes”. This person knew about that setting 3 months ago and just yesterday told me it wont work……That’s what happens when you don’t know enough about what you are doing and the person supporting your efforts is less than interested in being your support.

    We have a software vendor that refuses to ever admit that there may be a problem with his software. One of our software packages is from a small local shop and the owner is so defensive of every problem we find. We assume he is afraid of “public knowledge of errors”…but hello success is at least half or even more about providing satisfying customer service. I expect to see some software errors; but I also expect good, pleasent cusotmer service. This guy does not get that.

    Good conversation with good people is an excellent way to spend a day even if it is at work.

    Doesn’t it just bother you when you stick your foot in your mouth so far down your throat that you might as well pull it through the other end…… Then when you apologize because you felt wrong about what happened and you end up putting the other foot in your mouth, down your throat…and through the other end again. Then you find out that its all in your head…or you over react….or you judge yourself harder than anyone else could. Lets just say I am glad I was wrong and that although I meant well….I felt wrong but I am glad that I judged myself harder than the other person.

    Oh yeah Steve’s dad called. Looks like Steve might be going to visit his dad during spring break. Ok….I probably won’t be able to take any time off anyway. Besides the counselor said short visits would be better than long visits. I agree.

    Tomorrow we are off to visit my cousin, my best friend and her family. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!

    Wednesday, January 25, 2006

    It made me think....

    I was involved in a conversation this week with a couple of co-workers and I have been thinking about it a bit…and I hope that I convey it intelligently. One of my co-workers was expressing her observations about how people react to social situations. The example was that there were two ends of the spectrum; people that were very self conscious thus self involved and those that were self assured and not self involved.

    Lets say someone goes to a party and is very self conscious; they will worry and get panicked by the situation; wondering what people are thinking about them, saying about them, worried that they might say or do the wrong thing. The whole time being consumed by what they feel might happen to them, about them during this social event. Not ever being able to relax and have good time.

    On the other hand, someone on the other end of the spectrum may feel very self confident and not worry about how things relate to them but they are concerned with how everything else is. Is everyone else having a good time, is there need for someone to go to the store and get more food, snacks or drinks as well as wanting to make sure that someone that is on their own is having a good time.

    I thought that this was a very interesting conversation and I think I agreed with most of it. Later I was talking to the other co-worker and I (being self conscious and having it all be about me) was analyzing myself in that type of situation and this is what I came up with.

    In a social situation I am (although I know I should not be) worried about how I represent myself, so worried about what people think which pertains to how I look as well as how I act and speak. But I also worry about everything else too. I usually am one of the first to help clean up, to help fill the punch bowl or refill the food tray or make sure that everyone has what they need. I usually draw the line at trying to initiate conversation with the person that is sitting off at the corner again because I am “afraid” of doing something stupid. I keep busy and try to take my mind off of my own insecurities.

    I also will “relax” the longer that I am in the situation and be more comfortable. I think that is why I have always done well in a professional environment. Sure I have issues when I am first presented with a situation but because it has to do with my job, I do it because I feel that I “have” to and in time I don’t feel so threatened by it. It all has to do with how confident I am in a situation and the longer I am in it the better off I am.

    My brother recently asked me why I was this way….I did not used to be. I used to walk onto a place and not worry sooo much about what thoughts people may be having about me. Now it is the first concern I have....as if I was the only one in the room…how arrogant is that huh.....

    I know where it comes from and I am working on getting over it. When I was married we did not go to social events very often. If we did then it was for a very short time and every move I made was analyzed and more often then not it was criticized or I was made fun of by my husband. I think I “learned” that as long as I was quiet and kept a low profile I was not the butt of all his sarcasms and criticisms, and I would get good attention instead of the negative attention from him. He would say I was too sensitive. I believe I am a sensitive person but I have never been so self involved as I am now. Although I say…”It’s all about me” …I mean right now my world is all about me and my son but I don’t mean that I truly think that everything that goes on around me “is all about me”…but that is how I react to things sometimes….AS IF…Its not even reasonable…that is what is so frustrating about those times.

    BUT the good news is that I am doing things to make that better….I went out to the bar…..Steve and I went to a new friends house for dinner and I am putting myself out there around home and around Steve’s school. The more I do that…and don’t get burned by the person that is supposed to love me most or anyone else for that matter the better I will feel about things and stop thinking that what happens in life is “all about me”…

    It is amazing how if you “work” on it…it gets better. If you just take chances…it helps. I could have just crawled under a rock within my marriage, but didn’t. I could have crawled under a rock within the four walls that are my home…but then that is not what “I want for ME” either so I have to do something about it…I am.

    The other thing I realize is the more I talk the better I feel and the more I learn. Thanks to all!!!

    Monday, January 23, 2006

    ohhh I was in heaven

    when I sunk my teeth into the moist delicious chocolate chip brownie tonight. It was soooo good. My brother's friend's wife made them and gave them to my brother yesterday...I could not resist and so I didn't and I enjoyed every morsel and not a single ounce of guilt. I would have done the 60 minutes of the Gazelle anyway..That's not guilt 8)

    Sunday, January 22, 2006


    My blood pressure just went up ALOT...I am shaking and I could just cry....

    I once again sent the ex our address because he asked Steve to have me email it to him. In the email I asked him what his plans were to have Steve this summer....I would like to make some vacation plans and then there is daycare plans etc.....Our agreement is 4 weeks.....Maybe more as he gets older...One year is not older enough for me to consider more....His father has not had a stable environment since we split and everytime Steve goes to visit his dad he has to deal with the changes in his dads life. Last year he was there for 4 weeks and he came home saying he only wanted to visit his dad for 2 nights next time. Ok so I know its a transition...I know that eventually he will probably spend the whole summer with his dad...BUT NOT YET.

    His email said "actually I want him for the whole summer"
    My answer " Our agreement is for 4 weeks"

    I have the paperwork that specifies the agreement...I HATE that I allow him to do this to me..That I allow myself to react to him this way....I know your thinking so what so he wants him to the whole summer...if he is a good dad he should want him for the whole summer.......What I am anticpating, what I am scared of is the fight....the on going "control" that he has with me and my emotions. Is it my fault ...you BET it is...I allow it to happen.

    I can't let Steve be there for longer than 4 weeks, he is not ready for it. But I should tell his dad about the emotions the kid goes through when he comes back....but THEN its all my fault because I left, its all my fault because I broke up our "family"......YES I still feel the guilt of it all...AT times I still feel like its all my fault...I dont get why I feel that way..my goodness it could have everything or mostly everything to do with his drinking, his pot smoking, his drinking and driving, his asking women back to my home while I am out of town visiting my family telling them we are separated...among other things...GEEEE you think...

    OK So I need to stick to my guns and don't back down. Stick to the deal...4 weeks...maybe longer once the ex has a stable life for longer than 2 months and when Steve is ready to be away from home that long.

    Yes selfishly I don't want to be without him that long either...BUT I will do and have done what I have to do for my son. And that means sharing him with is father.....Although I believe if his father thought about his kids at all above himself he would have at least introduced his kids to his new wife before moving her and her kids across several states to become a significant part of their lives.

    I am sorry this doesn't make sense...but it helps to just get it out...I am so angry I could scream....I am just glad Steve is busy playing...

    ****Ok. I feel better... To be fair he can't get what he doesn't ask for right..I just don't want to fight about it..and that is what I am afraid of. Thanks for listening (reading) my whine and panic. (over-reaction)

    What Kind of Seducer are you?

    Its a quiet day so I am visiting some of my favorite places.

    I found this on Jack D's Rose Page.......I was curious what mine would say because I honestly don't know how the whole secution thing works...SAD huh 8)

    Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

    You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
    That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
    The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

    You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
    Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
    You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

    You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
    Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
    As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

    Seahawk Sunday

    Well I guess I have been a little stuck on my uncle and J but I am moving on now.

    Today is the biggest game of Seahawk history. In 1984 the Seahawks played this game..but I don't believe that anyone really believed that they would win. Today there are believers out there. LOTS of them. In fact they are expected to win.

    For as long as I can remember my family watches SUNDAY football and they are HUGE Seahawk fans. Wind, Rain, severe loses....They watched and they endured it all. I remember my cousin saying "Seahawks are #1" while they were loosing 48 to nothin.

    Right now there are a lot of fair weather fans out there but I also remember the days when the Seahawks had sold out games every home game no matter how they played. Those days are now back but for awhile they struggled to get people in the seats.

    I don't know what Seattle would do with having a champion team calling here home. WOW that would be amazing. How fun this is going to be......Anyway wish the Seahawks luck..I think they are due and so are we!!!

    ohhh I am Sorry..

    to leave you all hanging there.

    That was the first story I ever heard about the cousin I was never to meet. My uncle went into the army shortly after and never had the heart, energy, money to really fight for his son. Shannon was beyond his reach. She needed the family money and my uncle never faulted her for that. He always felt he was living a dream being with her at all. As for his son; he never forgave himself for the decisions he made although he felt that he really did not have any other choice available at the time.

    I know he had friends in town where Michael grew up that wrote him about Michaels progress in life. We know he went to Desert Storm and we know he came home. We know that he had moved to California, was married with two kids. My uncle found him, wrote him a letter that I know was heart felt and hard to write. But he never heard back. After my uncle passed away J heard from Michael. But J was very young and angry over his fathers death and very angry at Michael for never contacting his father that he never responded to Michaels letter.

    My mom and I have talked about finding Michael. But I think a part of us is also afraid that he wont want to hear from us and then are we just invading his privacy. This is between J and Michael now that my uncle has passed away.

    Ohhh and I still have not heard back from J.......

    Saturday, January 21, 2006

    He was smiling

    as he walked out to his new car. It was not a new car but it was new to him. He had fixed up the engine, gave it a nice wash and wax, cleaned out the inside and covered the seats with a nice blanket to cover up the rips in the upholstery. Ok, so it wasn’t like the car that the guys that lived on the other side of town drove but it was HIS car and that was all that mattered.

    He had worked really hard the last few months getting ready for this life changing event and the car was something that he had to have. He was a father now he really had to buckle down and be responsible. School was out, he had graduated…barely but he did it and he did it while working two jobs. He needed to save up the money, he needed to get this car and he needed to get ready to move into an apartment or maybe even a small house. Now that he was a family man there was so much to be thinking about. It had been difficult, at times he did not think that he could keep going but he did and now the day had come.

    He was on his way to the hospital to pick up Shannon and baby Michael. His dad had told him that he would never amount to anything and no one would ever take him seriously. But Shannon did and it did not matter that they did not have a lot of money; it was ok. They would make it and be ok because they had enough; he would work as hard as he could to make sure of that. He had feared in the past that she would not really want to be with him, she had everything and he had....not much. She had assured him that she loved him and no matter what her parents thought, what her friends thought all she wanted was to be with him and their baby.

    They were the proverbial couple; him from the wrong side of the tracks and her from the right side. The north side of town is where all the people lived who had money, nice houses, and nice cars. The south side is where he lived and it wasn’t so nice. Sometimes late at night he would walk through the north side of town and look at the wonderful homes and imagine what was happening inside. He imagined a family sitting at the table for dinner, smiling at each other sharing each others day. He imagined his family, Shannon and Michael sharing in nightly dinners and sharing each others day. He was going to make it happen; they were going to have a home like that one day. He was going to make Shannon proud; he was going show his father, her parents and her friends that they were all wrong about him. He would so show them…this car was just the start.

    They would have to stay at his parent’s house for just a little while. He almost had enough money to get their own place. He knew it was asking a lot but it was only for a short time and his dad was out all the time anyway. He rarely came home anymore and mom would not be bothered by them she would enjoy having a baby in the house for a little while.

    He pulled into the hospital parking lot; he could hardly contain his excitement. He had anticipated this moment and prepared for it for months now this was it the beginning of their new life together. He took one more look at the car to make sure it looked ok for Shannon; he wanted her to see that he was doing it; he was doing what he had promised. He was taking care of them. Once he was satisfied he turned and headed for the doors of the hospital.

    He found the maternity ward. He had been there a couple of times since Michael was born but it was all a daze everything was like a dream. He walked into Shannon’s room with the flowers he had picked up on his way in…..but…she was not there. Well he might have the wrong room he had been pretty dazed the last time he’d been to visit. So he walked to the nurse’s station.
    He said smiling widely: “Hi, I am looking for Shannon Jones; I am here to pick her and my son up.” “We’re going home today”.
    The nurse looked up the records to find what Shannon’s room was.
    Nurse said: “Well it looks like she has already checked out….she left about an hour ago with the baby.”
    He said…”That can’t be right, can you check again. I am Michael’s father; I am here to pick them up. They would not just leave.”
    Nurse said: “I am sorry sir; it says here that the mother’s parents picked her and the baby up”

    He could not believe it…..he was shattered…he knew what this meant; they were gone she had gone home with her parents. He’d be lucky if they'd even let him speak to Shannon. She had left him. She had taken Michael and left him.

    Friday, January 20, 2006

    Is today really Friday?

    When I left work almost an hour late I had to think about it because it seemed like the week had just begun. Although it has been kind of a long week. I am glad it is over.

    This is my random stuff post of the week...

    I spent the week working on things that I had no idea what I was doing...luckily I got through it and its on to bigger and better things next week. I am also very glad I work with such great people. My boss is great. When I told her this week that I was frustrated with my lack of knowledge about what I was working on...she assured me that I have done so much already and they all expected a year and more of a learning curve. She also reminded me of what I told them during my interview...."I am my own worst enemy, and my own worst judge...I don't think anyone can judge me harder than I judge myself". I had to laugh...she's right I said that and well again I guess it is true.

    Last night Steve and I went to his school for a family night or Literacy Night. We had a pizza and salad dinner and then learned reading strategies. After we ate the kids did a poem about Dr. Martin Luther King. It was very cute. They were all so proud.

    Stephanie and her dad from Steve's class sat with us during the night and its so funny because Steve just adores her and she really has no interest in him at all. He is a boy and she is just all about her girlfriends. He just wants to talk to her and sit by her. The first day of school he said "Mom Stephanie and I are twins because we both start with 'S'".

    Tomorrow we are going to go over to friends house for dinner. My brother is having a poker party so when we get home everyone will be here...but then so will my dad.

    My cousin J's girlfriend did email me back and she said she was going to tell my cousin to email and/or call but so far we have not heard from him. Who knows, they could be having the baby. All I know is that it is going to be a boy. We need more boys in this family.

    A couple of you mentioned that I should go ahead and write my uncles story...and I could. I can't write like I wanted to when I was younger....but I could still do it. There are a lot of things that none of us know about his life....especially when he was in Vietnam. It is something he never talked about.

    Anyway I hope you all have a great weekend. I enjoy visiting you all!!

    Thursday, January 19, 2006

    Some Stories to share

    On of my cousins sent this to me today and I happened to read them when I really needed a good laugh...and I got it...ENJOY

    IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

    IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

    IDIOT SIGHTING:! The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

    IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

    IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

    Wednesday, January 18, 2006

    Today I found out our family is having a baby....

    Not in 9 months, 8 months or even 7 months..but any day now. We just did not know until today.

    You see one of my cousins (J) who is the youngest of our generation has been out of our lives for just over a year. It was not by our choice..he had some difficulties dealing with life, being responsible and he kind of disappeared after a falling out with one of my other cousins.

    We have all tried to contact him at different times...but he does not respond. His father was my moms brother and he died in 2001. We all miss him..we are all very close and we all know how hard it was on J to loose his father. J was my uncles youngest son and his oldest son is someone we never got to meet. He was born when my uncle was 18 and after years of only receiving supervised visitation he agreed to give up his rights and allow the moms husband to adopt his oldest son. My uncle was a Vietnam vet and had a heart of gold.....he did not have any money or much of a job...but he had a fortune in love to give. J lived with his dad after his parents divorced and they took care of each other. J is a lot like him......but suffers from depression. I have seen him suffer, we all have, we all tried to help. I think that we tried to help too much. His guilt for not being what he thought we all wanted got the better of him...it has been easier for him to stay away than to face what he fears is our disappointment.

    Last night I had a dream about my uncle....I always wanted to write his story...he did not have the heart to talk about it, he said someday. Someday never came. I don't know why I dreamt about him last night it had been a long time....

    Last night my other cousins oldest daughter found J on myspace and got ahold of him online. The news is good. Him and his long time girlfriend are doing well, he is working and they are expecting their first child last week.

    I tried to get J to answer my email tonight after I too found him on Myspace...so far nothing. I hope to hear from him. I want him to know that no matter what else happens between us all ...we are family first and for most...the rest of it will be ok. The rest of it will work itself out. We love him, his gf and his child.

    Tuesday, January 17, 2006

    When I was four...

    my mom was pregnant with my sister. One night I was having a fit; probably not unlike one or two that Steve has had and I almost hit my mom. Dad caught this and was none too happy…the conversation when something like this…

    Dad: “Hey, You need to calm down and apologize to your mother or go to your room”
    Me….I went to my room.
    Dad was crushed. His sweet little girl who never liked to get people angry, who always listened when dad spoke …..just turned and went to her room and did not tell her mother she was sorry.
    Mom:”Honey, do you think maybe it is just that she doesn’t know what ‘apologize’ means?”
    Dad: “oh…maybe not”
    Dad:”Kylee can you come out here please”
    Me:I quietly, sheepishly walk out to my dad.
    Dad:”Do you know what apologize means”
    Me: shaking my head no, pouting, looking very sad
    Dad:”It means to tell your mother you are sorry”
    Me: give my mom a big hug “mommy I am sorry”...

    When he tells the story I still feel the disappoinment and then the relief he felt as this event transpired.....it still pains me to see disappointment in their eyes..but I hope that my child feels the love from me that I have have always felt from my parents.

    A new week...

    The last couple of days have been relatively quiet…although I have been slightly on the grumpy side. I am sure my friend that I share an office with was saying to herself “Get this grumpy lady out of here”…She would never admit it but I would not blame her if she did. I apologized for being grumpy, she said she did not notice.

    Sunday night Steve threw up all over me. He walked in to where I was sitting and whispered
    “Mom…I can’t talk”…
    I got a little nervous…I said
    “Can you breath…”
    He shook his head yes and proceeded to throw up on me…

    He said he felt fine. He did have a headache earlier in the evening but other than that he was fine. Monday we had the day off so we were going to go fishing in the rain with another single mom and her son but I canceled just incase. No need to get him out in the soggy rain and cold.

    Instead we were lazy. We played “go fish” a few times, “chutes and ladders” a couple of times, read a couple of books, did homework and he played his computer games.

    My brother ordered a GAZELLE and in came yesterday so I put that together and used it.

    Then I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…..not sure what the deal is but no matter what I have touched it just has not worked. One of those days I guess. Today has been totally unproductive basically because I don’t know what I am doing. BUT how do I learn? ..by doing so next time I will know what I am doing.

    Got an email from my ex…basically my check is in the mail and he and his new wife have a new email address. He should be proud; two divorces and two marriages in one year. I am just not sure the second divorce is final yet….but then it is not my problem, not my concern. Different state…..no one will ever know.

    ...tonight Steve and I started watching "March of the Penquins"..at the start of the movie was a preview of a dancing penquin..he is dancing to a song and during the song it says something about loving his life...

    Steve: "Mom we love our life....right?"
    Me: "Yes, I love my life and I love my life even more because you are in it"
    Steve:"Yeah and I love my life, and I love my life a hundred times more than you because you are in it"

    I mean really....What else matters..All that is left is for me to sleep, hope for good dreams and wake up happy tomorrow!!! Good night.

    Sunday, January 15, 2006

    That is what I get....

    The ice cream my brother had in the freezer has been calling my name all week. Finally tonight I decided it would be ok for Steve and I to have some ice cream. He had mint chocolate chip and I had some almond praline...just a couple of spoon fulls. I figured it could not hurt. It was really sweet....then I bit down and got a yummy mouthful of plastic...thats what I get for giving in to the little voices...

    The Bar Scene..

    Well we went out...I had fun..
    My brother showed up at the house just in time to go with me. We met up with my sister and her friends at the bar. The bar was a place that her friend's sister in law worked at so that was why it was the chosen place.

    Probably 10-11 years ago I had been in that bar...I can say ITS changed...or at least the clientele has. Now they have a DJ...everything else looks the same. The music and dancing was something out of "Dangerous Minds"....Right in the middle of the Rap songs there was a country song and they dancing stayed the same.

    It was interesting. We played darts. My sister played one game..she never does well so she quit. My brother and I played a total of 7 games. I smoked him 5 out of 7.

    There was alot of "close" dancing..and it was a mixed variety of "close" dancing. I went to the restroom once and one lady didn't 't even bother to shut her stall door..I guess she was giving her friend a sneak preview because she was sitting on the floor on the opposite wall.

    On the way home we were talking...We both agreed that the bar scene was not a place to meet anyone...It makes me wonder how does one meet people? How do people find people to "date"? I mean not the bar scene..for obvious reasons, not at work, not at the grocery store, maybe at the school, maybe at kids sport events (those two don't seem right to me)...not online....I mean really how does the dating thing happen? My brother needs to date...he is 28 and single...got a great job, a house and an all around great guy. I am not ready. I think I was able to relax at this place because I knew I did not care what these people thought of me. It was weird because most of them were either way older or way younger. I did not fit into their world so I can only assume that they did not think much of me and I was ok with that. I want to be ok with that no matter what the situation is....if people don't like me that should be ok..because I am happy with who I am!!

    Anyway overall it was interesting and fun. Not something I would even consider doing every weekend...but once in a while is ok.

    The best part..I don't smell like an ash tray....

    oh and

    GO HAWKS ----they haven't made it this far since 1984
    27 days of consecutive rain...getting kinda soggy....

    Saturday, January 14, 2006

    A night out... At home

    Well, its my big night out and here I am at home sitting at my computer. Well the night out is still happening..its just happening later than I thought.

    When my sister asked me if I wanted to go out with her tonight she did not mention that it wasn't going to be till after 10pm...Man I am too old for this.

    Steve is at my parents house. After the night out I will just go over there and we will spend the night there. I don't see any point of getting him up to bring him home. Everyone says that its good for me to get out and for him to stay with GG sometimes. The last time I left him for a night out was last March when my brother and I were working on his house.

    The amazing thing is I am not really nervous about meeting her at this sports bar...Surprising since I am always nervous about walking into strange places by myself. Maybe the counseling is helpling.

    Author Unknown - Dare To Believe

    I found this several months ago it kind sums up part of how I feel about myself and how I am working on trying to be better......It takes time and I will get there. When you are with an alcoholic....you either fold up and loose everything within yourself, learn how to live with them while still holding on to who you are or you leave them. I left because if it had not been for Steve I would have lost myself. For his sake and for my own I had to leave. For a long time it was not about my ex's problems it was about my failures. I have learned that sure I made mistakes, I did things wrong...but this was about him and his "illness". My job is to make sure I do not make the same mistakes again.

    I know deep down I am a good, positive and loving person....my problem is at times....I still feel like I have to prove it to the world for anyone else to truly believe it.

    Dare to Believe
    Everybody Knows:
    You can't be all things to all people. You can't do all things at once. You can't do all things equally well. You can't do all things better than everyone else. Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's.

    So:You have to find out who you are, and be that. You have to decide what comes first, and do that. You have to discover your strengths, and use them. You have to learn not to compete with others,Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*.

    Then:You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness. You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions. You will have learned to live with your limitations. You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due. And you'll be a most vital mortal.

    Dare To Believe:That you are a wonderful, unique person. That you are a once-in-all-history event. That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are. That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish. And you'll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

    ~ Author Unknown ~

    Friday, January 13, 2006

    Some memories...

    One of my cousins is just one year older than I am ...our mothers are sisters. When we were kids we all spent just about every weekend at their house.
    I used to really get on his nerves.....I mean
    1. I was a girl..and girls have no idea how to play with hot wheels and stuff. Although I tried to be just one of the guys..somethings just can't be helped.
    2. For a long time I used to tattle...no one wanted me around then. That was remedied when I said Bull S%%% to one of the other cousins and she threatened to tell on me... I quickly realized how it felt.
    3. I was ALWAYS taller than he was
    4 and well I always kicked his butt in soccer....

    There was one thing he really loved to tease me about...my glasses. I think he felt very safe that it was something that he could always get me on and I could not get him on. I was very sensitive about them. Everyone teased me about them for as long as I could remember..I had been wearing them since I was 2. The other thing was he always beat me in games.

    Then we grew up...about 4 years ago I came home for a visit and went to his house...we hugged and I asked how things were going....asking the normal catch up questions...and he says..."thats it"...
    Me confused..."what do you mean?"
    He said..."You don't have anything to say to me" as he kind of pointed at the glasses he was wearing...
    Me "oh...yeah I had heard about those...They look good" again he said "What thats it?"...I said "yeah, why?"....he looked relieved. I guess he expected me just to really tease him after all the years he teased me......the thought had not even crossed my mind. He really did look good.

    Probably the same year...or the year after we were all camping and reminiscing about the good ol days...when we were always at their house every weekend.
    He said..."Remember when we used to play Battleship all the time"
    I said "Yeah...I always lost"
    He said "I cheated...I moved my ships and it was hard, because you were good"

    What is the point? I don't know.......

    One time....

    When I was still married we were at my family's property near a local lake camping and everyone was working clearing brush, taking down trees and doing general clean of the property. It was decided to burn a bunch of the brush that was piled up so my x decided he could handle helping in that manner. He likes everyone to believe that he is smart man and can usually fool most people....but not this time.

    He took the lighter fluid and squirted a bunch of it into the large pile of brush. Being smart he lit a match and carefully bent down near the pile to light it....the fire caught in a big POOF....my cousins son calmly stated..."Hey, Dave your face is on fire"

    And it really wasn't...but it did look like a big fire ball had engulfed his head and he did singe off a lot of his hair and was probably lucky he did not loose it all...Even his eye lashes and eyebrows were singed....That was the last time he came with me to visit my family...

    Thursday, January 12, 2006

    Random..things floating through my head....

    I am sure this will bore the everyday readers...so take this as a warning...It just all about ME and what is in my head.

    25 days of rain.....the record is for the most consecutive days of rain is 34 or 33 consecutive days of rain. Right now we are tied for the second most days.

    Its kind of funny because I hear alot of people complaining about the rain...and I guess I have made a couple of comments to follow suit...mmmm not to self rethink those following type of reactions to things....

    Anyway what I was going to say was that it really has not bothered me. I mean the flooding and trees falling down..thats bad and I feel for people that are having to deal with this things..but the rain itself does not bother me. I really like it. Its one of the things I really missed when I lived in Arizona. During the Monsoon we had rain...lots of it..but it was different. Texas we had rain..enough to flood the streets in a couple of hours..but its just different. Personally I chalk it up to just being happy to be here. There is no place like the Pacific Northwest (well at least not Phoenix, Arizona or Houston, Texas..thats all I really have to base my opinion on)

    Topic 2....

    Several family members have mentioned that it might not be a bad idea to have the school counselor talk to Steve...just to see how he is dealing. We are stable here and we have a pretty good routine going...but each time he visits his dad his world gets turned upside down. He starts having nightmares...he has separation anxiety. If you saw us out and about you would think this was a kid that did not get any attention from me...he just wants more..and that is not the problem..the problem or my concern is always with his feeling of security or his lack of security as it may be. So I am thinking of meeting with the school counselor and see what they say.

    Topic 3....

    Do you ever write an email or something...proof read it..not once but several times just to read it after you sent it or saved it or turned it in and find that your words are all messed up not like how you meant to say them at all. Its that whole brain knows what I am trying to say..but I miss a word here or there or maybe scramble the words up just a bit...then after I send it on its way and re-read it for what seems like the first time I think..."boy that really makes me look smart".... I swear I re-read before I send but again I guess my brain decides to fill in the blanks.

    Topic 4....
    I need a hair cut....or trim is a better word for it because I never let them cut too much off if I can help it. Its kinda getting outta control.

    Topic 5....
    I successully completed training in a new place with new people without feeling completely silly. Now if I can make it through Saturday night when I go out with my sister.....

    Wednesday, January 11, 2006

    Some things just have to be ignored

    Today I was sitting in training, paying close attention to the trainer and I hear the chair next to me squeak. Then I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, the guy next to me lift his right cheek (not the one on his face) as I heard a sound that is quite unmistakable......

    Just in case, I held my breath for as long as I could....finally I had to take a breath before I passed out right there on the floor during training....luckily it was safe.

    Tuesday, January 10, 2006

    5 more random not so interesting things about ME

    1. I am the oldest of 3 kids
    2. I didn't start college till I was 25.
    3. My little brother (the youngest) and I started college at the same time.
    4. We are the only two in my family to get college degrees (including cousins etc...from both sides of the family)
    5. I have a Masters of Science in Information Systems Management.

    Training day 2...

    Well I was much more relaxed today. I was not so worried about walking in by myself and I was actually a little early.

    We covered a lot and that was good. Although I do not do the day to day work on the program we are training on..I do have to support the users that do...so it is good that I understand as much as I can. It is very clear that this trainer knows what he is talking about and that is very good.

    The thing that is kind of annoying in this class...is that I am trying so hard to be good and not eat bad things...and yesterday they had cookies; chocolate chocolate ship, chocolate chip, macadamia white chocolate ...I think and I did not have even one...whoo hooo...
    of course they were sitting on the table right next to where I was sitting and I still was able to resist.

    Today I was sitting in my usually spot in the back of the room and I kept hearing this little voice...

    "Hey I am over here...hey you...over hear"
    then I realized that the left over cookies were back on the table behind me..trying to get my attention..again I was able to resist.

    This morning a big box of fresh donuts was brought in ....I did not look too closely, I mean if I had they might have been able to trap me in their evil deceptive trance..but it looked like a box of like 3 dozen..I mean there were ALOT of donuts in that box. Again I was able to resist the evil temptation.

    Surprisingly it was easier than I thought.

    Back home Steve and I had some more issues...he talked to his dad...he did not really want to..but he did.....
    "Dad...I love you..I just don't want to talk to you.."
    "I am a little sad because I miss you..."
    dad talking....
    "Dad I love you bye"....
    real short conversation and all he said to me was that he missed his dad so he did not want to talk to him..ok what can I say.

    He got a timeout tonight....and lost access to any chance at getting a cookie tomorrow...We got his homework done..under duress (the timeout) , got the bath done and read yet another insightful dinosaur book from the school library..I am thinking they should be running out soon..but who knows. I am sure he will go back for another tomorrow during recess.

    other than that...my world is quiet and well quiet like me I guess.

    Monday, January 09, 2006

    Well I should have known it was coming....

    Since being back from the cabin Steve and I have had some challenges and I have wondered where they come from. He has been having fits, arguing a lot, yelling at me....just angry.

    I have tried to talk to him and ask him what is wrong...but he is not talking..he says he doesn't know and maybe he doesn't.

    Tonight after we read our book and I was online...he was going to sleep he decided he wanted to talk..the conversation went something like this....

    Steve "Mom I wish I had a daddy"
    Me "You do have a daddy and he loves you very much"
    Steve"I just wish you could get married and I could have two daddys"
    "Maybe you could marry Blakes daddy"
    Me....what do you say?? "Honey mommy is not going to marry Blakes daddy, you have a daddy and he loves you very much"
    Steve"I wish I had a daddy that could hear me cry when I sleep by myself"

    (oh yeah Steve is still sleeping with me...with the whole transition...separation anxiety..its just been easier..for now anyway, but when he was at his dads he slept by himself in a room with the new girlfriends kids)

    Me....hard to ask these types of questions...I try really hard not to ask what happens at dads....I don't want him to feel like he has to "tell" or not "tell"...I want him to tell or share on his own.

    Me "did you cry at daddys and he did not hear you"....
    Steve crying...mumbling...cant understand...

    Steve"Mom I just changed my mind...I want my daddy". "I just want you and my daddy".

    Yeah..thats tough.

    I know this is just a by product of the split and the visitation. I guess I could have stayed in Texas...but life was awful when were there.....and he moved to California anyway after he got fired. I know I did the right thing by leaving and moving back here...but it is tough to see my little boy so broken up about it.

    Usually he is fine...but with each visitation we go through some things...its all new and each time he visits his dad he has a new thing to deal with. I just hope and pray that I handle things right while he is here.....his dad is a pretty good part time dad....and he has a great time when he is there...and dad behaves himself because the visits are short.....uggg...I hate this part.

    Dinosaurs.....what where they thinking

    Ok I am mean really..what were they thinking when they named these creatures..They were not thinking that 5 year olds were going to have their parents read books about them EVERYNIGHT.

    English is one thing...sounding out the words and all..not really best way to do it in some cases..but Dinosaur names..please I can't even grasp my mind around trying to sound them out myself let alone have my son do it.

    Just about everynight we read a book and I would say 95% of the time it is a book about Dinosaurs...and I know your thinking its phase...his interests will move on soon...Kay he has picked out Dinosaur books since he was 2.
    The only easy one is the Tyrannosaurus Rex as the T-REX

    I'd like to rename some of these to names like
    Sphenacondon = Sven
    Parasaurolophus = paraleafus
    Edmontosaurus = Ed
    Dromaesaurus = Drumasaurus
    Pentaceratops = Penty
    Pachycephalosaurus = Patches

    Better yet couldn't the names be like

    The book he got today from the library talked about animals before and just after the dinosaurs...the first mammals...I am thinking "Alright some I can atually pronounce"
    This is what I got

    Moeritherium = Mory
    Hyracotherium =Hycro
    Leptictidium = Lepi

    Owell....now he thinks I am just learning to read too....

    Training Day

    Monday; a new day to a new week. What this Monday means to me. ...

    Well I have training off site at a different place where I never been before and with people I may have met once..but most I had not met ever..

    On top of it the trainer was someone that had worked with my company a lot before I came and all I hear is "trainer this and trainer that....."; "Trainer is hero like...". Basically I have had to work really hard at getting a couple people to look at me like I could even come close to supporting the work he has done for them. Needless to say I was a bit intimidated, a bit apprehensive....well nervous. Thank goodness it was training and not a social thing...because I probably would have turned around and went home...called in sick or something.

    Steve and I started out about 30 minutes earlier than normal. I had to take him to daycare first and that is about 25 miles from home and then head to the location of the training which is about 35 miles away from daycare. Both drives are heavy traffic but not as heavy as it is going the other direction....but at least one way I get to carpool. I had already let the trainer know that I might be late and it was ok to just ignore me in the height of my embarrassment of walking in late.

    When I left work on Friday I got all prepared; printed out the agenda, directions to the training site and the email from the host that told me his contact information just incase I got lost....On the way to Steve's school I realized I had taken that information out of my bag and it was handily sitting at home.....and home was the wrong direction. Sometimes when I forget the directions to places I can fake it and make it there...but when I say I don't know the area of the training place...I don't; so that was not an option. Luckily leaving 30 minutes early was just enough to get us to our destination 15 minutes faster than normal travel time. So I stopped by work and reprinted everything and was on my way. I made it with like 30 seconds to spare.

    The class was fun......The trainer was nice and very funny...no where near as intimidating as I had imagined in my little mind. (just call me nervous Nellie)

    I was lucky because I did not have to drive back to the area of Steve's school because my sister picked him up...with the traffic or lack of traffic I experienced going home I actually got home at the same time I would have had I been at work and that was after I picked up Steve and stopped to look for new shoes..(did not find any). Hopefully this arrangement works out well the rest of the week....but my sister is getting sick..so we'll see.

    I am curious to hear about the trainers commute since he had to go back and past where Steve's daycare is.

    Now we are home...each doing our "homework"...yes kindergardeners have homework and its like pulling teeth to get him to do it. Doing it together helps...so here we sit....waiting for him to write his one page of handwriting homework....hhhhhhhhhh

    Friday, January 06, 2006

    5 Things about ME

    Well I have seen these all over the net...so I thought why not....

    1) Cleaning the bathroom
    2) Getting mad at my son...its just awful
    3) Giving bad news to anyone...for anything
    4) Doing something wrong.....in any situation.
    5) Dating or even the thought of it...(can't we just hang out and be friends?)

    1) Hanging out with my son
    2) Chocolate
    3) Walking in the rain
    4) Hanging out with Family and friends
    5) Being out doors....(Lakes, Rivers...love em)

    1) I am very self critical
    2) When I was 22 I got maced by an intruder in my own room in the middle of the night
    3) I would love to be creative...scared at being laughed at
    4) I used to play soccer....would like to do it again.
    5) I have been an instructor for a college

    1) Go to Disney Land with my son...it would be a first for both of us.
    2) Find my uncle's son who he had when he was 18 (My uncle is deceased)
    3) Visit Alaska and Hawaii
    4) Go on a cruise
    5) Banish ALL of my self doubt.

    1) I love you monkey butt (my son...)
    2) I love you no matter what (again my son....)
    3) Duh Dork....(to myself as I am working)
    4) Just checkin in...(each time I call my cousin...my best friend)
    5) I love you too honey (again...my son)

    Wednesday, January 04, 2006

    One for the DUH...category

    Steve and I live with my Brother...After we moved back we stayed with my parents for awhile...then I found a full time job...and was looking for a place to rent.

    My brother bought a house...a large house...too big for just him and he was going to get a room mate. So we joined forces..as long as he was going to rent to someone anyway and was not opposed to having us constantly in his way..well here we are. Steve and I have the upstairs and he has the downstairs...we share the kitchen.

    Basically we each have our own living room. We both have TV's...mines like 17 inches or something....his is bigger. We don't have cable, or satellite. Upstairs we can get the local channels..downstairs he doesn't get any reception. He basically watches movies or plays Xbox on his TV. If we ever watch a movie together...we do it downstairs because he says my TV is too small.

    The other day we were talking and I asked him...

    "So are you going to have a Super Bowl party or let someone else have it?"

    He said casually "Well I will probably let someone else have it.....someone who can actually show the game"


    Tuesday, January 03, 2006

    Back to the real world

    Well today was the first day back to reality. Last night I was so afraid of being late for work and taking Steve to school late...I could not sleep...guess what...Yup that's it we were late. Man it never fails.

    Over all the day went very well. At lunch I went to Home Depot and picked up a wood blind for my front window..It almost took up my whole back seat...there was barely enough room for Steve. After that I went and got some lunch..since I was almost out of gas I stopped at the gas station. My car did not start....Ok hello its the beginning of a new year...I don't need car troubles to start it out.

    I tried to start my car again...it started...with one caveat.....The check engine light is on. Ok...well ok...it will be ok...I live 25 miles away from where I work and Steve goes to school...ok all I need is a broken down car. Don't panic it will all be ok.

    On the way home the light went out...and I will just take it in this weekend or next week, just to be sure.

    We successfully got home....had soup and sandwiches for dinner....did Steve's homework...and now all thats left is my little workout...

    Yup overall a good day back in the real world.

    Sunday, January 01, 2006

    My angel boy's fun in the snow...

    He had a blast------

    Well all had a wonderful time.

    Farewell 2005, Hello 2006.....

    I wish 2005 a fond farewell. I mean it was the first full year of my new life. The year that I found out I could do it on my own. Not that I should have questioned it, but I did.

    It was a year full of new beginnings....Moving to a new home...Starting a new job....Steve starting kindergarten....The divorce becoming final....Dealing with my ex's new wife (and then another new one too)....The first summer break without my son... The first Christmas without my son....And finally...Me beginning to face my lifetime of self critical behavior of which I think got me to this point right now.

    The start of 2006 is very exciting to me. I resolve to work on me...Find me again. I know that is an old cliche....Losing oneself in a marriage...But I did...In all my efforts to "make him happy"...I forgot about me... I am working on the me...This blog is part of it...Exploring me and learning about me. 2005 was the first year in a long time that I have had occasion to say "ITS ALL ABOUT MEEEEEE" and mean it in every way (except that it will never be just about me...It will be about me and Steve).

    This year I resolve to
    1. Get healthy...By eating better, exercising more and losing 25-30 lbs.
    2. Continue on on working on liking me...maybe even loving me.
    3. Getting out and about more....Steve helps with that...we do all of his school functions and now he is into sports and stuff...but we are both what I call "Socially Dysfunctional"...another post another time.
    4. Continue to work on being a better parent....each day there are new challenges and I will never think I understand it all...I will never take for granted that I can always do better.....Its not about perfection...but progress. Appreciating each day and continuing to love the experience. Having him has taught me so much, I want to be all that I can be for him.....he gives me purpose.

    I wish every one a happy and healthy new year!!!