Sunday, January 22, 2006

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My blood pressure just went up ALOT...I am shaking and I could just cry....

I once again sent the ex our address because he asked Steve to have me email it to him. In the email I asked him what his plans were to have Steve this summer....I would like to make some vacation plans and then there is daycare plans etc.....Our agreement is 4 weeks.....Maybe more as he gets older...One year is not older enough for me to consider more....His father has not had a stable environment since we split and everytime Steve goes to visit his dad he has to deal with the changes in his dads life. Last year he was there for 4 weeks and he came home saying he only wanted to visit his dad for 2 nights next time. Ok so I know its a transition...I know that eventually he will probably spend the whole summer with his dad...BUT NOT YET.

His email said "actually I want him for the whole summer"
My answer " Our agreement is for 4 weeks"


I have the paperwork that specifies the agreement...I HATE that I allow him to do this to me..That I allow myself to react to him this way....I know your thinking so what so he wants him to the whole summer...if he is a good dad he should want him for the whole summer.......What I am anticpating, what I am scared of is the fight....the on going "control" that he has with me and my emotions. Is it my fault ...you BET it is...I allow it to happen.

I can't let Steve be there for longer than 4 weeks, he is not ready for it. But I should tell his dad about the emotions the kid goes through when he comes back....but THEN its all my fault because I left, its all my fault because I broke up our "family"......YES I still feel the guilt of it all...AT times I still feel like its all my fault...I dont get why I feel that way..my goodness it could have everything or mostly everything to do with his drinking, his pot smoking, his drinking and driving, his asking women back to my home while I am out of town visiting my family telling them we are separated...among other things...GEEEE you think...

OK So I need to stick to my guns and don't back down. Stick to the deal...4 weeks...maybe longer once the ex has a stable life for longer than 2 months and when Steve is ready to be away from home that long.

Yes selfishly I don't want to be without him that long either...BUT I will do and have done what I have to do for my son. And that means sharing him with is father.....Although I believe if his father thought about his kids at all above himself he would have at least introduced his kids to his new wife before moving her and her kids across several states to become a significant part of their lives.

I am sorry this doesn't make sense...but it helps to just get it out...I am so angry I could scream....I am just glad Steve is busy playing...


****Ok. I feel better... To be fair he can't get what he doesn't ask for right..I just don't want to fight about it..and that is what I am afraid of. Thanks for listening (reading) my whine and panic. (over-reaction)

4 Comments:

Blogger Michelle said...

Remember one thing, he's only in control if YOU let him be. You signed the agreement...he has him for 4 weeks....that's it. You need to explain that he's too young and the problems that occur when you have him back. This has NOTHING to do with you leaving...that's between him and you...Steve has nothing to do with that.
There is not one thing you've said that makes me think your unfair in providing access......you appear to be flexible as Steve gets older and as your ex's situation becomes more stable.......perfect.
Kylee, your not selfish and don't hate yourself...it's a normal reaction. But yes, stick to your guns, you know your right with this. Your not being unreasonable at all, or overreacting.

11:36 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

don't you feel guilty/upset for 1 second! you are awesome for getting away from someone who sucks. and it wasn't YOU who smoked pot, drank, and sleezed around. it was YOU who made the best decision for you and your son and 4 weeks is plenty of time.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You make a lot of sense. The situation is simple: ask your ex-dude “You get 4 weeks. What 4 do you want and I’ll check and see it those weeks are available.”

7:06 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Thanks guys!! I really appreciate the support. This is all getting easier and although I don't like the "weak" moments I know I did the right thing and will continue to do so. It is very nice to hear the agreements!! Thanks a bunch

9:14 PM  

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