2012

My thoughts for 2012 are to make sure that I focus on the good things. To focus on what I have control over and to let go of the things I have not control over. I have talked a lot to the man in my life and I love him. I believe that he has a problem but I know that he is a good loving person that I want to be with that I want to make this work. The last 2 weeks have been amazing and he has been keeping control over his drinking and been wonderful. I know that this probably wont last that the drinking will happen again but I need to work on putting focus on what I can control and dealing with what I can't. I have to decide what I can handle and what I can't and live my life in a way that my son and I are happy and taken care of. For now my son loves this man and this man is good to both of us. For now I need to live in the moment and appreciate what I have. Life is too short to be concerned with the whatifs....

still...

I still don't know what to do...or I do and don't want to do it. I feel like a failure again. I feel like I did all wrong again. The more I try to find out if he loves me the more I push him away.

I should not have to find out if he loves me I should just know.

He talks to his ex wife...she cheated on him and he still needs to talk to her. I did not know they were talking but then I found out....

I would not feel so bad about it if he had been honest with me but since he is hiding it...it is wrong.

it just keeps getting worse and worse and I knew it would...

Why...

I spent 3 years spilling my guts....sharing everything and believing that this man respected me and loved me and wanted to be with me even with all my issues and my feelings about alcohol...

The reality is he never heard anything I said and kind of threw it all in my face and I let him....

I am not a victim I am the creation of my own faults that I don't learn from. I thought I was changing but apparently there are still things broken because I feel into this situation.

If you have an instinct a feeling a doubt...anything that something is not right...believe it and do what you need to do to protect yourself against it because the only person you can count on is yourself. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and save yourself from these situations.

Decisions...Decisions...

I have big decisions to make....and I don't want to have to make them. I am pissed that I even have to think about it. I am pissed that as careful as I thought I was being how screwed up my life is yet again.

He is a hard working, compassionate, loving, funny and smart man....who by definition is an alcoholic.

We have a beautiful home and my son is very happy and at this time if he does realize what is going on he does not let on.

But I have no choice but to recognize that there is a real problem and I can not ignore it and I must face it and decide what to do next.

The one thing I can say that as I own this and just face it head on I no longer feel the anxiety I felt when I first was "accepting" that it was happening.

Goodness knows I had enough signs that I chose to ignore and that is my fault.

Crazy...continuing to do the same behaviors and expecting a different outcome...this I can not be anymore...

For now...

things are good. Life is good. Drinking has been kept at a mininum. I need to enjoy it and appreciate it as I get it and not dwell on what/when it might change. Will this last...probably not but it will return and for now all I can do is go with it and appreciate the good as it comes.

There is so much in life that we dwell on that we have little to no control over. I can't control if he drinks all I can control is how I react to it and how I let it determine what it is going to do to me.

He is kind, loving, funny and full of life. I don't know why he drinks and most importantly I know there is nothing I can do to change it. Even when he does drink he is still him....he is still the funny, goofy guy that I love. If I had not had the experience that I had before I might not even react to it at all. I might just consider it normal.....I dont know because that will never be.

Living...

with someone who has some kind of problem with alcohol can make you crazy...sometimes you are the one that is causing more of an issue in the household than the person that actually has the problem.

Oh don't get me wrong I am not saying it is my fault by any stretch of the imagination..what I am saying is my reaction to it is my fault....the results of my reactions to it are my fault.

My current situation is different than the one I was in before. This person is totally different than my ex.

I need to decide how I am going to react to the things that remind me of that previous situation.

If I decide to stay I need to also decide to make sure I don't make his problem my problem...in this case that would be easier than in the past because he in no way tries to push it on me. It is easier not to accept responsibility for something that is not being offered.

Right now by reactions are being triggered by what has occurred in the past by what I expect to happen now....even though that is not what this situation is.....

I have a lot of decisions to make to react or not react, to accept or not accept...to stay or not to stay. Whatever I decide I have to own those decisions, live with them and be happy with them or change them that is the only power I have.

Is it over???

If it is then it is as it should be but it still hurts.

I can't believe that almost 7 years after packing up my car with my son and my dog and leaving my ex I am in this situation again. How does that happen?

The situation is not the same but it is the same. This person is sweet, caring, loving, most of the time attentive, somewhat lazy at times, responsible with money, and genuine. Many of the things my ex was not and is not....but he drinks and he drinks a lot and a lot alone. He hid this from me.....I did not hid my feelings about it or what I did to leave it behind me....so why and how are we now in this situation?

I don't understand how a very financially cautious person walks into a situation he knows could never work.....how does he allow us to sign papers on a home for us to live in together, to build a life together and then start drinking in our home everyday.....

When we were dating we did not see each other everyday but when we were together there wasn't excessive drinking and most of the time there wasn't any and it seemed like normal behavior...not forced.

Unfortunatly for anyone that reads this..this is my outlet...I have no other because I feel I poison those around me with my illness...my absolute failure to deal with this in a reasonable manner...I am trying but I feel I am failing. Maybe this will help.

I love him but I can not live with becoming a person I can't stand in myself because I can't seem to deal with this issue. I wanted a partnership of love and commitment...now I am afraid to come home and see what kind of shape he is in...

He doesn't talk to me about anything of any real importance....I am on my own here and I am afraid that I will not deal with it in the best possible way for my son.

The guilt I have for not catching on to the clues that had to be there before putting my son and I into this situation is awful...but it is something I need to get over and just deal. It is what it is....I tried to do it all right and take my time in this relationship and I still missed things.... so deal with it and move on. I need to get over myself and be the parent and person I want to be that I have worked so hard to be, I can't allow myself to slip back into that person I didn't want to be when I left 7 years ago.....

so tired...so alone...

How do you spend 3 years of your life dating someone just to find out after you buy a home and move in together that he is a total alcoholic. How can someone who has been through it all before be so blind?? I am so mad at myself and so mad at him....wow