Sunday, December 28, 2014

Cancer is here...

When I set out to do my first Susan G Komen three day walk I did it not knowing anyone personally going through the breast cancer fight. In November my younger sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has been diagnosed with Metaplastic Carcinoma a rare and aggressive type of breast cancer. Metaplastic makes up about 1% of all breast cancer diagnosis.

From the moment she told me her diagnosis I have felt very strongly that she will beat this. There are moments off doubt, of being scared that I am fooling myself but just moments.

This being an aggressive fast growing cancer that not only tends to grow back in the same location but also spread to different areas of the body she will undergo the full array of treatments. First she will have surgery then chemo and finally a chemo and radiation combination treatment.

Tomorrow is step one in her fight, the lumpectomy to remove the growing tumor. Then we wait a week to get the pathology report to find out if the cancer has spread and find out the full treatment plan.

We know for sure that the next year will be a long and hard one for her and all of us but I pray that it will be a one and done; that she will fight with all of her family along side her and heal to celebrate being cancer free next year.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Barely holding on....

I am not sure what that really means...except that I feel like I may just fall apart at any moment. I am unhappy, lonely and otherwise very emotional. It really sucks bad. It is not like I would ever do anything harmful to myself and anyone else...other than overeat and some other self-destruction behaviors such as that...I have been trying to do positive things for myself but it is a struggle for sure.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I made a dermatology appointment today for next week since I know my doctor will be on me for that.

I have been looking at counseling. So excited to try that again….NOT.  BUT something has to give feeling like I do and eating like I do is not good. I exercise and try to be fit but I am obviously not doing enough.

I feel so very lonely and I can NOT talk to anyone because whoever I talk to will take something personally and I already don’t feel like I have any real friends.  I know my fiancé loves me but he doesn’t get it either and if I talk to him he just tries to solve an immediate problem not a long term issue.  I avoid people because I can’t handle their problems right now and it feels like everyone has problems.  

Whatever this is it totally sucks and it feels so very awful, lonely and like it will never go away.

Right now every action, ever word, every day is a struggle and I really hate it because there is no good reason for it.

I don't blame everyone for not wanting to deal with me...I don't want to deal with me.

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Life is too short

Today is day 9 on the challenge and in those 9 days there were two rest days. I did not rest on the days specified but that doesn't matter it just matters that I have followed 9 day thus far. So good for me!!

I read an article yesterday that I could totally relate to - Life is Too Short: 10 Things Not Worth Tolerating  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pressure-proof/201210/life-is-too-short-10-things-not-worth-tolerating

I found this very interesting and something I want to work on more for myself because I have issues with most of these things.....
1 - Being Unhealthy - this point deals with the things that we can control not those health issues that we can't control.  We can all control how much we eat, what we eat and whether or no we try to be active.  This is one I have been working on and have worked on in the past. My problem with this one is that I get complacent and stop paying attention to what I do.
2 - Inaction - facing things that I fear or feel guilty about. I have to take a look to really see why I do or do not do anything and figure out if my inaction is justified or something I need to push through.  I have really been working on this one the last year and 1/2. It is not easy pushing yourself out of your comfort zone but that is what I am doing all the time.
3 - Negativity - this is one that I really place on myself more than anything else. I judge myself in ways I would NEVER judge anyone else. It is really bad and I have done it all my life.
4 - Disorganization - this one is tough I feel very disorganized all the time and I am working on it and making progress on it at work at least....work in progress.
5 - Chronic stress - it all fits here. I stress EVERYTHING
6 - Keeping up with the Joneses - This is not so much of my problem I know I can't do that sometimes it bothers me but mostly I look at what others have and don't understand how they can afford it.
7 - Thinking that perfect exists - Yeah I expect perfect out of myself even though I know that it s not possible.
8 - Everyone's opinion of you - this is another one that has been a problem all my life.  I read into everything and right now I don't think that most people even like me. I don't my two boys love me and my parents love me beyond that I just feel alone and not liked.
9 - A job you hate - I don't hate my job but I don't love it either.  They way I feel about my job is better than it was a year ago so that is good.
10 - Being financially illiterate - I could be worse in this areas but I was several years ago. I am getting better its a fight to get there.

These are all very good points and things I need to work on. 

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Day 4

Based on the 30-day an challenge today was a day off but since day 2 was the totally awesome Seattle Seahawk Super bowl I had a bit too much of a party so I took yesterday off.

On Sunday I completed day 2 of the challenge and burned 1000 calories on the treadmill- I accomplished my goal that day!! Today I completed day 3 of the challenge and burned 500 calories on the treadmill.

I just have to keep the momentum going.

One day at a time......

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Day 1 of the rest of my life

Can I make myself accountable? can I push myself to my limits?  Can I accomplish again what I did before and then keep it?

3 1/2 years ago I was in the best shape of my life....then we bought the house.  I put myself into a position that although is better then the one before is very much like it also.  I have man that treats me well, is responsible and I truly believes loves me....but I also believe he has an alcohol problem that he is able to control but someday he wont.

So familiar behaviors of my own started creeping back....I have gained all the weight that I had lost back in these 3 1/2 years. 

Now its time to take back my life...once again and this time keep it.  This time I am staying here with this man that I love.  Is it the situation I had hoped for...no not really but he is a good man and I know that he loves me and my son.  I have been able to separate myself from his behavior for the most part....like a person with an addiction that is always a struggle and work in progress...but I do have to work harder at now taking care and control of myself.

I have walked 60 miles for breast cancer, I have participated in 5ks and 5ks with obstacles...now I need to work on the day to day progress to take the weight back off and live a life that does not put me back into this situation.

I will walk 60 miles again this year and I will do at least 4 different 5ks...and likely more.

Today I did at least 10 minutes and I completed day one of the 30 day abs challenge......tomorrow is another day...and super bowl Sunday.  The challenge of the day....burn 1000 calories on the treadmill, complete day 2 of the ab challenge, and do not eat a bunch of junk at the super bowl party..  GO HAWKS!!!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

8 days....

And then it starts. I am more nervous about the total social aspect of all this.  I am sure I will cry a lot. I don't know anyone that has breast cancer....I have known a couple of people that had it, had treatment and surgery but no one that has it or has died from it. 

Here I am going to try and do something positive and something positive for myself as well.  Getting out there and totally doing something by myself. 

I earned all of the money I needed with donations and sales....mostly sales.  My mom was surprised that I did not get more donations from our family and some of my friends..I am not...for several different reasons.  There is a reason I was looking for other ways to earn the money...my ability to inspire people for something is not very high.

I have been down on myself again....I can't keep a clean house...and I get angry because no one else in the house seems to care and/or help...why should I care...If I do it there isnt anyone to appreciate it and I am just so tired and worn out it really doesn't do anything for me either....

I keep looking for something to tell me why I am on this earth...I will keep looking and searching with my mind open to find what all of this is supposed to be about...all I see is a bunch of people wanting to spew their adgenda and their version of the truth and condem others for their version of the truth. 

Can't we all just get along and not "hate" others so much, agree to disagree....I say this as we look to get into another war with a country that is just destroying themselves from the inside out.  Sad...it is all very sad.

Friday, September 06, 2013

14 days...

I am $16 away from my goal - I think I can handle that.  I am doing a sale tomorrow since I have earned most of the $2300 in donations by selling Italian charms that I bought and lanyards that I made - I will be doing one more sale tomorrow to earn the rest of my goal and maybe some extra above the minimum goal.

This Sunday I plan on doing a 20 mile walk...I will do it on the treadmill and take my breaks to work around the house - that is the best way for me to get things done and still get some training in.

2 weeks...wow it is almost here.