Thursday, October 13, 2011

Is it over???

If it is then it is as it should be but it still hurts.

I can't believe that almost 7 years after packing up my car with my son and my dog and leaving my ex I am in this situation again. How does that happen?

The situation is not the same but it is the same. This person is sweet, caring, loving, most of the time attentive, somewhat lazy at times, responsible with money, and genuine. Many of the things my ex was not and is not....but he drinks and he drinks a lot and a lot alone. He hid this from me.....I did not hid my feelings about it or what I did to leave it behind why and how are we now in this situation?

I don't understand how a very financially cautious person walks into a situation he knows could never does he allow us to sign papers on a home for us to live in together, to build a life together and then start drinking in our home everyday.....

When we were dating we did not see each other everyday but when we were together there wasn't excessive drinking and most of the time there wasn't any and it seemed like normal behavior...not forced.

Unfortunatly for anyone that reads this..this is my outlet...I have no other because I feel I poison those around me with my absolute failure to deal with this in a reasonable manner...I am trying but I feel I am failing. Maybe this will help.

I love him but I can not live with becoming a person I can't stand in myself because I can't seem to deal with this issue. I wanted a partnership of love and I am afraid to come home and see what kind of shape he is in...

He doesn't talk to me about anything of any real importance....I am on my own here and I am afraid that I will not deal with it in the best possible way for my son.

The guilt I have for not catching on to the clues that had to be there before putting my son and I into this situation is awful...but it is something I need to get over and just deal. It is what it is....I tried to do it all right and take my time in this relationship and I still missed things.... so deal with it and move on. I need to get over myself and be the parent and person I want to be that I have worked so hard to be, I can't allow myself to slip back into that person I didn't want to be when I left 7 years ago.....


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