Well...

He is with his dad. I am sitting here at airport #4 for the day waiting to go back home. I left my little angel baby with his dad, his "other mom" and his step siblings about 3 hours ago...man its tough. He was very excited to see his dad and well that is as it should be. Hopefully he wont be disappointed.

He will see his sisters tonight as well. They will have 5 kids in that 2 bedroom condo. Well there you go...I hope they have fun. Last summer his split with his wife right after the kids all went home...who knows what will happen this year.

I truly hope they all have a good time. Those kids deserve some fun and happiness with their father.

I will probably not be on much till next week. Its going to be a busy family weekend after my date tomorrow night.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe weekend!!

FireFly...FireFly

I bought a cell phone for Steve...its a little phone made for kids. I program the numbers that he can call and that can call him.

I know its kinda crazy but its piece of mind for him and I. Now when he goes to his dads he can call me anytime that he wants and not ask to use the phone. Not get the passive aggressive behavioral response to his request.

His counselor thought it was a great idea....I think we are both ready for this trip. I think we will both be OK....if we are then we did things right. The counseling and the phone...all the money is all worth it. His happiness,comfort and safety is all that matters to me.

I hope everyone is having a great week.


btw I have a "date" on Friday...and probably another one next week sometime...all I need to do is say when.

This weekend

I hope everyone had a great weekend.
Steve and I babysat for my sisters friend yesterday. We were supposed to have both of her kids, an 8 year old and a 1 year old, but it turned out that we only had the 1 year old. My sister, her friend and her friends husband all went to a concert.

After our babysitting stint Steve announced that he would be happy if he never had a baby brother or sister..babies are not his favorite..they cry and they cry loud.

It was fine, no real problems. The poor thing ust did not know us and it took a little while for him to get used to us...after about 30-40 minutes and a short nap he was good to go. They picked him up at about midnight.

Today we went to the zoo with Stephanie and her dad. We spend 8+ hours with them today. We all had a good time. It was nice not to feel self conscious about everything I said or did. It was very comfortable.

We were talking about how kids are so literal and how they don't get sayings or sarcasm...things we take for granted they just don't understand what we are really trying to say.

One time he said to Stephanie..."Hey lets make like a banana and split"

Next thing he knew she came back in a room with a banana split in two..."Here dad, here is your half."

So cute.

I hope everyone has a great week.

dreams...

So it is early for me on a Saturday morning...but I had a really strange dream that left me feeling less than comfortable.

Dreams deal with what we are feeling..and do it in a weird way....anyway here goes the dream.

I was out with a guy....and this is a guy I know that I probably would never date for several reasons that I wont put here...but that is besides the point. I don't really know that it was a date, but the outing was going well...very well actually. In this critial point there was kissing....In my dream I realized that I was late picking Steve up...from daycare no less....

I can't explain the amount of panic that I felt...heck I still feel it a little and I am awake and the dream was earlier in the night. It was very real. I woke up and looked at the clock realizing we were home and still checked on Steve...soundly asleep in his bed. I did go back to sleep but I am up already this morning and its 5am on Saturday gosh darn it.

Anxiety I guess. We are leaving in a few days for his daddy visit. I remember last year when he left and I had all this "free" time.....every time I did do something I would get a moment of panic like 'oh I gotta go get my kid'...like what am I thinking I can't be here right now.

That has NEVER happened for real. I have never been so into whatever that at some point I looked to see I was late to go get Steve...he is usually always with me and I have never been late to pick him up at daycare.

Two things are happening....he is getting ready to leave and there are two guys out there that I am getting ready to meet. My little mind is staring to panic just a little. My comfort zone is in total dis-array.

It could have been worse

So the day started out kinda like any other except I was overly tired because of my lack of sleep the night before. I was hearing things...imagining break in noises....one day I will post my mace story....

Anyway we got up and ready to go in time and only slightly rushed. Steve was very excited for the day. Kinder graduation and the zoo what more could a kid ask for....On the way Steve had to raise his hands twice to ward of the carpool police..twice they had their lights on ready to pull me over from the side and the over pass and then backed off once he raised his hands.

On the way I realized I had forgotten my digital camera...gosh darn it anyway. I had some time before the actual graduation and dropping Steve off so I went to the store to get some one timer cameras and then to vacuum out my car. It really needed it.

I still had some time and had to use the ladies room...a perfect excuse to decide I deserved a non-fat Chai Tea from Starbucks...I have not had one in awhile. Once I got my tea it was back to the school.

I still arrived early enough that I had the pick of seats. I generally don't sit in the front of the room for ANYTHING.....But this is a big deal and I wanted to be able to see it all. I sat in front, second seat from the end leaving room for Stephanie's dad.

Long story short....with the help of someone else's balloons that I was trying to remove from my view, trying to take pictures of the kids walking on stage, flagging down Stephanie's dad and brilliantly leaving my Chai in my lap...I ended up with a lap full of tea.....Placed in such a way anyone would guess I that I had not made that stop to the ladies room and could not contain my excitement.

The good thing or the bad thing however you want to think about it, was that I had the tea long enough so that it was not hot...just warm....If it had been hot I may have reacted faster to the spill. So my decision was to either get up right then and there escaping to the rest room to clean up my spill and maybe get it dry....(probably NOT)...or sit there and watch the ceremony that was just barely getting started. I choose the second one.....two reasons I really did not want to miss even one little part of it and I did not want to stand up in front of the watching crowd to show what looked like I had peed myself.

I had to make jokes after it was all done because some of the kids were looking at me all wide eyed....I explained I had dumped my coffee and wasn't it funny because it looked like I had an accident. It made for a good laugh....

Stephanie and her dad could not make it to the zoo....He had another appointment. Of course I was not thinking or I would have suggested that Stephanie could still go with us if he was comfortable with that...but I was too self involved with my wet jeans.

He did say that they would like to go sometime so I told him that we could go this weekend if they wanted...just to give us a call. He asked for our number and since I did not have my phone he called it so we would have their number too. We do...I will never use it....at least not as a first call only to call back....

Steve and I went to the zoo after making a detour back home for a change, basically had fun....both very tired. Sleepy time now.

GRADUATION

Yep I have a child prodigy on my hands. Tomorrow is GRADUATION day.

Ok so yeah it is Kindergarten graduation but still 8)

30 years after I had my graduation he is going to graduate too..

THE big K.

He can read, write and even do some basic arithmetic...crazy. It seems like yesterday I was excited because he was taking his first steps.

After the big graduation we will be going to the zoo to celebrate!!

I hope everyone has a GREAT WEEK!!!!

Sometimes the people I love just PISS ME OFF

WARNING>>>>>> This is one of my less than famous rants...so feel free to click on by

Right now it is my sister.....

My situation is one where I am a single mom and I DO NOT expect anything from anyone. I take care of my own child. Sometimes I need some help with a pick up or something like that. It doesn't happen often and I could work around it...I hate even asking for that kind of help but I get told that I should so...I do when I need it.

In the last year my family has said that I need to get out without my son some.....so I have taken them up on their offer to help me do that by watching my son.....I have taken advantage of this offer no more than once a month. So since I stared that in January ....I have been out without my son 6 times..... The entire year before that I think I went out 3 times.

My sister is younger than me. We are different and have never been real close but we get along. She and I are just different. My best friend in my cousin, hers is a girl she went to high school with. I see my cousin maybe once a month....she sees her best friend almost everyday since they commute and work together.

She has blown me off more than once on things I have wanted to do with her...even spend time together every week.....to walk and share meals etc......she is always too busy with her friend. K fine.

My parents like to go out to the casino on Saturday nights and I feel guilty asking them to stay home to watch Steve for me when I go out. One time I could tell my mom did not want to do it..but she reluctantly said they would stay home if I did not have any other options. I had already asked my sister since I could tell this was what was going on. This occurred the first time I went out with my new single mom friend. The whole reason I looked for a single parents group was to get out and about with new people who were like me. I was going to ask my sister to come out with us..but since I did not have another option and she had offered before to watch Steve so I could go out...well it made sense...she could hang out with her nephew. In this time period she has babysat with Steve twice. Both times while I went out with my single mom friend.

So last weekend my mom out of the blue said that her and my dad were staying home and would be available to baby sit. I really did not have plans and my mom asked why I did not call my sister...and I said I did not feel like it because she blows me off. I should have kept my big mouth shut....mom talked to my sister and said that I had my feelings hurt...well yeah I have had them hurt by her alot...I just deal with it and stop expecting different. But my mistake was even letting it slip out to my mom.

Mom told my sister and my sister called Steve and I this week...pitty call I guess, to go watch a movie with her. We saw cars...it was good but long. When I talked to my mom tonight she said that she had a talk to with my sister...basically my sister is jealous of my friendship with my cousin and upset that I have gone out with my single mom friend without her.....

Well gee......I am not asking my mom to baby sit anymore and I am not asking my sister to baby sit anymore, (I know over reaction...its just how I feel right now). I don't want to be a burden to anyone, I don't want to ask someone else to take my responsibilities....I am sorry she does not take care of herself and lives her life through her friend...I have tried to include her in my life and she blows me off and finds more important things to do. She hangs out with her friend and her friends kids...the only way I can get her to do that with her nephew is to ask her to baby sit.

I am so irritated with it all. Me going out more was their idea to begin with...Who else do they expect me to get to watch Steve. Last year when he was gone to his dads she was not around...she was too tired to go out and about with me...she knew I was lonely and sad and should have been doing things but she was too busy with her own life. Now she is upset because I have a friendship with my cousin and have not stayed home waiting for her to find time for me......UGGGG

When it rains...it pours...when its done it will be done

Ok so I have talked about this idea of dating..and my "prospects"

Next week Steve and I are going to go to the zoo with his friend Stephanie and her dad....not really interested in him...but that is not what this zoo trip is about. For me it is about the fact that we both have kids who are graduating from kindergarten and deserve to have fun...why not go together.

Tonight our neighbor came over and helped Steve and I pull our abundance of weeds. Then he hung out so Steve could show him his new books. Again, not really interested in him anymore, hes nice...younger than me by a few years (5) and then there is something else I am not sure about yet.

Then there is the guy I am talking to from Myspace....the one I am afraid is smaller than me.....really skinny...I have been talking to him on the phone. Our phone conversations last for awhile and they are nice...but I have noticed that he is not really interested in me. Not that I really like to talk about myself...but he does not seem to be too interested in finding out about me....or maybe I am looking for an excuse, could be that.

Oh...and then there is the other Myspace guy who I thought there was more in common, more mutual interest and stuff....he says that all is not what it seems with the myspace message from that other person.

Gee whiz to be so popular all of a sudden.....

Funny but I suspect that after next week I probably wont hear from any of them especially since I am going to have all this free time on my hands with Steve going to visit his dad soon....

Overwhelming...

Sometimes life seems as if it is so overwhelming that you don't know how you are ever going to catch up...maintain....get things done...

Sometimes it seems easier to just stop and ignore what needs to be done....if we were just to stand still and not move...not move forward....it would all just go away...

But it doesn't.....things just don't go away...you have to deal with them...you have to do SOMETHING...even if it is just process it. Sometimes just letting it run through your mind is the hard part....ignoring it is the easy thing to do...but the wrong thing to do and in the long run it just has the huge possibility of making things worse.


Sometimes...you just have to take it one step at a time....pick away at everything and get over the overwhelming feeling just little by little to get it done......

Motorcycles......

ARE HOT....

I am just saying...

These are HOT












These are NOT




I used to think that I was too old too think guys on these were HOT. I used to think that guys who drove these cycles were in their 20's. My ideas have now been updated....guys riding these cycles can be in their mid 30's or even their 40's....and its still HOT.





I am sure there is an age where it stops being HOT...but until then...I will enjoy!!

? Dating ?

I have never gotten the whole dating concept. I have never been very good at it and it really is a game that people play. Those who play well get lots of dates…those who don’t….don’t.

2 years ago my marriage was falling apart at the seams. I was getting ready for a 10 day visit with my family and my husband was getting ready to rendezvous with any woman who would while I was gone….or while he was doing his band thing. I left him 4 months later….. Dating was the farthest thing from my mind.

Although I was not looking for dating I was thinking that Brett and I would hang out and who knows what could happen later. But that did not happen even a little. We did not hang out at all. We talked via email for awhile and that was about it. Fine. The idea kinda freaked me out anyway.

So I kept it pretty low key and then last fall I decided to start looking around and talking to others and try to be more social. I started talking to a guy I met through an online site. We were talking through email first…then the phone and talking about a face 2 face meeting. Next thing I knew he was planning for “OUR” future. I told him that I thought we should hold off on the face 2 face meeting……he got mad and we stopped talking.

Ok so Wow that is kinda un-nerving. So I had a couple of other possible interests….one my neighbor and one of Steve’s friend’s dad. I did not pursue anything; I lived my life and talked to each of them when I see them. Both of these prospects are less than appealing to me at this point.

Then there was another guy I started talking to via email. That one was supposed to be a friend thing…just to hang out. He saw my picture and well That’s all Folks.

Then there was the guy on myspace that contacted me…who I did meet face 2 face. He was very bitter about his soon to be ex wife and I was very involved with Steve….and I did not hear from him anymore.

Then there was another guy that I was emailing on myspace…this one was promising…or so I thought. Mutual interests, mutual backgrounds, saw each others pictures, no rushing things…but we were going to meet face 2 face this weekend….well then I saw a note on his myspace from his sort of relationship….with the L word in it…well that was it for me.

I am talking to another guy. Seems nice enough. Seems really single. Seems interesting. But my fear is that he is smaller than me….I am not really large but I am average…I think he is very slim. It’s a phobia I have about dating someone smaller than me. I am 5’9” and have never been petite…….so it has always been an issue in my mind.

Who knows…..maybe the reality is that I am not ready and this is just the way it am being told…. No big…I would hate to give up what freedom I do have for another scary “relationship” thing.

Stay tuned…I have ideas and thoughts on the whats and whys of each of these occurrences…..

whatever...

So blogger has my page all messed up...its not like I did anything to make these neat adjustments...owell someday I look at why..

I got this email today...



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So do people actually respond to these things? Wow..its amazing. Have a great weekend!!

Jury Duty

Jury duty is over and I made it through without being put on a trial. I did go through the jury select process yesterday on a domestic violence case. I was not selected for the case in fact I was released before I even got to my seat in the box. The defense did not want me. I guess I can not blame them. The type of questions they were asking was if anyone had ever been a victim or known a victim of domestic violence. My first inkling was no I have not been a victim and I don’t really know anyone that has. My first thought was that domestic violence is physical in nature. But then they mentioned the definition of domestic violence includes and is not limited to physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse. Well….I thought well…yes then I guess I have been a victim. Most if not all alcoholics are perpetrators of emotional and verbal abuse….I mean they can’t handle themselves let alone relationships with others…its almost a given that people who live with these people suffer at the very least from verbal and emotional abuse.

In this case the prosecutor asked me how long I was married, how long I felt I was a victim of such abuse and then asked me why I stayed as long as I did. The questioning continued from me to others as to whether or not they understood why a woman would stay with a domestic abuser…..I stayed a lot longer than I probably should have……and I probably would have stayed longer except he was involving other women. So I was dismissed. I guess the defense wants to be able to say that the Mrs could not have been abused…if she had she would have left……yeah right….

Emotional and Verbal abuse are a strange thing to understand and grasp. I remember wishing at different times during my marriage that my ex would just hit me or have an affair….really give me a reason to leave. The alcohol, drugs and abuse were not enough…I mean those were things I had to live with….those things were just as much my fault as his. It’s hard to explain even now. Does it make sense….probably not…but it did to me and it does even now. Crazy huh….

But I think I am feeling better about it all….I think…I really think that whenever I get into another relationship I will be able to recognize that signs and see the patterns and know to get out instead of staying and telling myself that it was just me and that I am too sensitive. I think I will not accept that behavior again.

I think if I had been in the jury situation I was in yesterday and had to speak about these things a year ago…I would have broke down with shame and embarrassment…but yesterday I did not falter…..I was too quiet speaking but then that is always a problem for me….at least the judge did not have not have to ask me to speak up.

There is a shining light…..I wish I could help others…..I just don’t know how and maybe that is because it is still too soon for me right now. I won’t forget and I will continue look within myself and outside to see what I can do and still be fair to myself and Steve.

Anyway…..just another learning experience for me….Have a great weekend!!