Barely holding on....

I am not sure what that really means...except that I feel like I may just fall apart at any moment. I am unhappy, lonely and otherwise very emotional. It really sucks bad. It is not like I would ever do anything harmful to myself and anyone else...other than overeat and some other self-destruction behaviors such as that...I have been trying to do positive things for myself but it is a struggle for sure.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I made a dermatology appointment today for next week since I know my doctor will be on me for that.

I have been looking at counseling. So excited to try that again….NOT.  BUT something has to give feeling like I do and eating like I do is not good. I exercise and try to be fit but I am obviously not doing enough.

I feel so very lonely and I can NOT talk to anyone because whoever I talk to will take something personally and I already don’t feel like I have any real friends.  I know my fiancé loves me but he doesn’t get it either and if I talk to him he just tries to solve an immediate problem not a long term issue.  I avoid people because I can’t handle their problems right now and it feels like everyone has problems.  

Whatever this is it totally sucks and it feels so very awful, lonely and like it will never go away.

Right now every action, ever word, every day is a struggle and I really hate it because there is no good reason for it.

I don't blame everyone for not wanting to deal with me...I don't want to deal with me.

Life is too short

Today is day 9 on the challenge and in those 9 days there were two rest days. I did not rest on the days specified but that doesn't matter it just matters that I have followed 9 day thus far. So good for me!!

I read an article yesterday that I could totally relate to - Life is Too Short: 10 Things Not Worth Tolerating  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pressure-proof/201210/life-is-too-short-10-things-not-worth-tolerating

I found this very interesting and something I want to work on more for myself because I have issues with most of these things.....
1 - Being Unhealthy - this point deals with the things that we can control not those health issues that we can't control.  We can all control how much we eat, what we eat and whether or no we try to be active.  This is one I have been working on and have worked on in the past. My problem with this one is that I get complacent and stop paying attention to what I do.
2 - Inaction - facing things that I fear or feel guilty about. I have to take a look to really see why I do or do not do anything and figure out if my inaction is justified or something I need to push through.  I have really been working on this one the last year and 1/2. It is not easy pushing yourself out of your comfort zone but that is what I am doing all the time.
3 - Negativity - this is one that I really place on myself more than anything else. I judge myself in ways I would NEVER judge anyone else. It is really bad and I have done it all my life.
4 - Disorganization - this one is tough I feel very disorganized all the time and I am working on it and making progress on it at work at least....work in progress.
5 - Chronic stress - it all fits here. I stress EVERYTHING
6 - Keeping up with the Joneses - This is not so much of my problem I know I can't do that sometimes it bothers me but mostly I look at what others have and don't understand how they can afford it.
7 - Thinking that perfect exists - Yeah I expect perfect out of myself even though I know that it s not possible.
8 - Everyone's opinion of you - this is another one that has been a problem all my life.  I read into everything and right now I don't think that most people even like me. I don't my two boys love me and my parents love me beyond that I just feel alone and not liked.
9 - A job you hate - I don't hate my job but I don't love it either.  They way I feel about my job is better than it was a year ago so that is good.
10 - Being financially illiterate - I could be worse in this areas but I was several years ago. I am getting better its a fight to get there.

These are all very good points and things I need to work on. 

Day 4

Based on the 30-day an challenge today was a day off but since day 2 was the totally awesome Seattle Seahawk Super bowl I had a bit too much of a party so I took yesterday off.

On Sunday I completed day 2 of the challenge and burned 1000 calories on the treadmill- I accomplished my goal that day!! Today I completed day 3 of the challenge and burned 500 calories on the treadmill.

I just have to keep the momentum going.

One day at a time......

Day 1 of the rest of my life

Can I make myself accountable? can I push myself to my limits?  Can I accomplish again what I did before and then keep it?

3 1/2 years ago I was in the best shape of my life....then we bought the house.  I put myself into a position that although is better then the one before is very much like it also.  I have man that treats me well, is responsible and I truly believes loves me....but I also believe he has an alcohol problem that he is able to control but someday he wont.

So familiar behaviors of my own started creeping back....I have gained all the weight that I had lost back in these 3 1/2 years. 

Now its time to take back my life...once again and this time keep it.  This time I am staying here with this man that I love.  Is it the situation I had hoped for...no not really but he is a good man and I know that he loves me and my son.  I have been able to separate myself from his behavior for the most part....like a person with an addiction that is always a struggle and work in progress...but I do have to work harder at now taking care and control of myself.

I have walked 60 miles for breast cancer, I have participated in 5ks and 5ks with obstacles...now I need to work on the day to day progress to take the weight back off and live a life that does not put me back into this situation.

I will walk 60 miles again this year and I will do at least 4 different 5ks...and likely more.

Today I did at least 10 minutes and I completed day one of the 30 day abs challenge......tomorrow is another day...and super bowl Sunday.  The challenge of the day....burn 1000 calories on the treadmill, complete day 2 of the ab challenge, and do not eat a bunch of junk at the super bowl party..  GO HAWKS!!!