Friday, September 15, 2006

Its me..I am here..kinda anyway

*beware this is just a ramble...not to be confused with something of interest.

Hi all...Just stopping by. I have been gone again for sometime and not spending much time online. One could say that I have just not been myself. Not feeling quite right, not really being "sick" but not really being ME either. I wish I could pinpoint the issue and fix it because I can say that there are times I don't even like being with myself.

I could say I am "depressed" but no that's just not it.....and my counselor agrees. The way I feel, the way I think, the way I deal at times is not normal and I know it and I don't like it. I apologize to those I am around about me not being me and for the most part they say I am fine....I think they are being kind because I feel that I am not right. I know it sounds kind of silly but well that's the only way I know how to explain it. Being female is a difficult thing.....and I think that is where my issues are coming from....but then I am not a doctor either so who knows.

Lately I am usually fast asleep by now...because its all I can do to get through the day because I am so drained of energy. Not to say my life is anything but busy and active....I am VERY busy at work, working through some projects and I am getting things done. I moved into my new office and have spent a lot of time in there working.....It seems my friend and I can't even get out for walks very often anymore. We are both very busy.

Steve started the first grade.....Gosh I am probably just an over proud mom..but he is so smart. He has had some spelling lists and even before we study the list he knows the words. Now mind you there simple words but still I don't remember having spelling tests in the first grade or doing addition and subtraction the first week. But that was a long time ago.

Oh yeah and I am a year older.....my ex lost his job again..I guess that was the reason for the move. Well I really don't know why the move happened, maybe the lost job came because of the need to move. Who knows, who really cares.

Steve is playing soccer and loving it. Last year he was dancing around the field day dreaming watching the birds etc...this year he is really into it. He scored a goal last Saturday and another one during practice this week. He is having a great time.

Every day I struggle to be a better person....everyday I struggle to get the things done that I need to get done. I just don't feel right, I feel tired, sometimes I feel sick, I have no time to waste.....and things tend to bug me more..owell this too shall pass. At least I am aware that I am not very fun to be around and hopefully I am doing what I normally do...judge myself harder than others do.

I hope you are all well. Maybe someday I will get back to normal ....hopefully.

9 Comments:

Anonymous si said...

hang in there, kylee. i think we've all gone through "not-rightness" feelings. it sounds like you're trying to help yourself with counseling, tho, and it's good that steve is doing well (yay!). are you sure it's not depression? depression manifests itself in a lot of ways. there could be possible assistance with medication, which have really changed over the last few years with fewer side effects.

good luck on this...

12:09 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Thank Si,
yeah I am pretty sure its not depression....I've been there after I had Steve...this is different. In fact I can pinpoint when its all going to start on the calendar...this week should be my good week..for the month.

9:53 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

not a doctor, but depression was my first guess too -- it manifests different way for different people and different times.
the calendar connection seems like something your doc s/b able to work with, no? thyroid? anemia?
anyway, don't forget people care about you.

9:35 AM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Thanks Bryan.
Yeah I know...the doctor is who I am seeking. without going into detail I am fairly certain its hormonal.

10:40 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

You can do this...

xxx

7:43 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Indeed, you can, you're smart and strong, don't give in :o)

8:30 PM  
Blogger Meow said...

Just dropping by to say HI, and hope you are doing OK.
Take care, Meow

5:34 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

my dad used to tell me he'd cut my finger off so i wouldn't think about my scraped knee.

kylee, i will cut your finger off so you won't think about your sad heart.

:)

1:24 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Thanks JD;
Thanks Michelle. I will never give it...I love it all too much.
Thanks Meow;
Well Crystal...Thanks I think 8)

8:51 PM  

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