...mmmmm...

I don't know what to title this. Hodge podge I guess.

Each day I learn a little more about life, and then I usually forget what I learned or go back to old habits. The worst part of my bad habits is my self detriment. I have always looked at myself at not being good enough for anything really. I blame that outlook for the bad things in my life and I credit the good things in my life to my loving family and outstanding friends.

I KNOW that I need to create my own destiny of happiness and I have known that for a long time. I just seem to forget and try to find other things to create that for me. Usually the things I look for to create that are "relationships". Of course this is a huge mistake and again comes from looking outside myself to provide my self love and self justification.

This weekend I spent it just living some of my life and looking within to "remember" what I need to do. The first thing I need to do is "love" myself and remember that I am good enough and I am a GREAT WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL person. I am all those things each and everyday. I just don't tell myself that enough. I am like a bad influence on myself and tell myself all the bad things that I am/do not talking about the positives.

That is going to change. I am going to work HARDER on remembering that.


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Steve comes home on Friday. I will spend another 20 hours in and out of airports on Friday and bring my little angel baby home. I have talked to him each evening. Today he was making me a picture. Just for me. I am looking forward to bringing him home.

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I spent yesterday with my cousin J's girlfriend and now 5 month old baby. It was amazing and very special. She contacted me last weekend and said we should meet for coffee. She wants her baby to know the other part of J's family. J has been avoiding us all for a year and a half now. He is embarrassed and I think it is easier for him to avoid us all then face his irresponsibility. Later I followed her to their home and saw J after he was done working. I hugged him and told me we miss them and we love them. We are always family first. I hope that this is the beginning to him letting us back in. My uncle is a proud grandpa. I know that he is with them each and everyday. I wish J's girlfriend and his baby had gotten a chance to know J's dad....but I know he is proud.


Thanks to everyone for your support. I ramble here and "blow" a gasket at things. Its my outlet and I don't expect people to care or even notice....but you who read this are amazingly wonderful and I appreciate your comments and your support.

Thank you