Saturday, March 18, 2006


I appreciate the support that I received here with my stories. But I have to say please don’t feel sorry for me. I am not a victim of anything except myself. I come here rant and rave about my life and in most cases the problem is myself. Sure my ex is irresponsible and only cares about himself but I shuffled the cards I was dealt and when I traded in my cards for a new set I wrote the rules for the new game.

I saw the problems that my husband had. I thought I could change those things. I wanted the family life and I thought that I could get that with my ex. I thought I was special enough to give my ex what he needed to be happy in life and in himself to stop drinking, stop doing drugs and just be happy. That was being stupid little school girl. That was not being realistic.

When I had finally been broken down enough, I decided that I had to take responsibility for the situation that I was in and do what had to be done to get out. To become healthy, become a good mother and a strong positive influence to my son were my goals. Those things all came with a price.

I wrote out our separation/divorce/parenting plan. All he had to do was sign on the dotted line. I knew I needed to get back to Washington where my family and support were. To do that, I gave up the idea of child support. The agreement was that in lieu of child support he was to pay for visitation costs including travel expenses for a parental travel partner. I know that child support is not for me but for my son but I also knew that he would fight me leaving the state if I did not do that. In the long run I think being here is more important for our well being than the money. He already pays support for 3 other kids. The only reason we have the $100 a month support agreement is because in the state we divorced in some support is mandatory. So there you have it. My job in this support agreement as it were is to have enough “balls” to hold him to his end of the deal. I have some control on how things go but only if I stand up for myself and my son. In two years or now a year I can go back and have the support agreement re-evaluated.

I whine here but I don’t think I deserve to be a victim. I just need the outlet. I am learning to be stronger and not hold in all of the anxiety and fear that I have about facing these things head on.

I am an easy going, easy to get along with, fun loving, confrontation avoiding, and pleasing type of person. Standing up for me is something I need to continue to work on. I can be all those things without being taken advantage of.

Anyway – Thanks for your support and know that I appreciate it.