Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It is soooo hard

I feel like a broken record....
and sometimes I feel like I don't have another ounce of strength left inside...

Steve's Dad emailed tonight. He said he wants Steve for 6 weeks this summer and he wants us to meet 1/2 way...thats at least a 9 hour drive for me. He said that at anytime Steve wanted to go home he could.

I said 2 things....6 weeks is not 4 weeks and his school counselor said 4 weeks was a long time for a child his age to be away from home. I asked if he was planning on compensating me for my gas and a hotel because I can not drive 18 hours by myself...then I asked him again about Spring Break...I already knew the answer but I needed him to confirm it.

He called and talked to Steve. Asked Steve if it was ok for him not to visit during spring break but to visit longer during the summer. Told him that they were going to go to Disney Land, Universal Studios....visit family..etc.....

Then he emailed me...stating that 4 weeks is a long time to be away from a parent but he is not going to be with STRANGERS....well ok kinda. And that Steven has never had any problems when he has visited.

Right now I feel like the weakest person on the planet...all I want to do is say FINE..but I KNOW its not what is best for Steve because I am here everyday I know. But at the same time I also feel guilty about that......So maybe I should say Ok.
But I sent an email and said "Yes no problems....and he stayed 4 weeks last year so we will do 5 weeks this year like we both agreed.

Then on top of all that old anger came back....because here he is again presenting his life as the perfect family life...they are going to do all these wonderful things...that I may NEVER get to do with my son because I am the responsible one.....

I have not cried in MONTHS...but here I sit....crying.....because I am angry me and at him...and who pays the price for all our innocent little boy. I just want to do whats right....Sometimes I can't believe that I was given the privilege to do be the one that is responsible for this little boy....


Blogger Michelle said...

Kylee, you were given the privlidge because you're a smart, together woman. Just reading what you've written, you know deep down the responsible thing to do (not to give in and stick to your guns) but your also hurting because of guilt. Your ex is making you feel that way and the love for your son.I know you want to be able to afford to do all those things too.
It doesn't take a month to go round Disneyland, they can still do that. You are his mother , you know what's best, the counsellor also knows.....6 weeks is a huge amount of time in the eyes of a child, Steve many know his dad...but is he familiar with everyone else there as well?
I'd hate to see Steve get to CA and miss his mother after 3 or 4 weeks and be distressed whilst waiting for you to arrive.
You poor darling, i feel for you, it's an awful decision to make.

9:47 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Your ex- is playing you, pulling your strings because he knows what they are and how to yank them. It would be easy to say "don't let him," but I, too, have strings that people yank and I often don't recognize that I've been yanked until after the pain comes.

4:36 PM  
Anonymous jd's rose said...

Kylee, because you can...

I think that you are a fantastic mother. Steve knows this too. No amount of Disney Lands will change his mind otherwise.


4:22 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

hang in, kylee.

don't be afraid to do what's best for your son.

not sure if it's at all relevant, but there's something i've been learning lately about how to deal with people that has been working for me:
* Tell the truth.
* Do the best you can.
* Apologize when you mess up.
* Don't apologize for doing what you know is right, or what you need to do for yourself.

I'm a slow learner and I don't have it down yet, but it's been tremendously freeing to let people own their own life, to not take responsibility for others' manipulative or self-centered behaviour.

You still have to deal with the fallout of course (explaining to Steve, etc), but at least you don't have to feel guilty about whatever you decide. Whether you go with Ex's plan or yours, it can be what you decide to do for the reasons you think are most important.

and we'll all be on your side. :-)

11:03 AM  

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