Friday, March 03, 2006

I have this guy..

On my mind. He has been on my mind a lot over the last 13+ years......Its been awhile but he is back. I think it is because he is getting married for the second time this month. I know it and although I have not seen him, talked to him, exchanged emails with him for almost a year now.....He still has a place in my head and in my heart.

I try not to have regrets..I mean everything that happens in life happens for a reason and it makes us who we are. Sometimes things are "not fair" but then life in general is not always fair.

The first time I saw Brett I was 21....I was a bar hanging out with my cousin and his wife...I saw him walk in with some other people and I told my cousin that he was the type of guy I wanted to go out with....but I never met guys like that. Funny thing to say since I really did not know what kind of guy he was..I did not know him I just saw him.

I met him when I was 22 he happened to a cousin of a friend of mine. I had met her years before because she was married to another friends brother. We had lost touch when they divorced. Gina and I got back into touch and started hanging out..I started meeting her family, Brett was one of those family members.

What ensued was a friendship that at times was a friendship with benefits. It ended up that way because I thought the only way he would want to hang out with me and get to know me was if I had sex with him sooner rather than later. That was my mistake....I believe to know me is to love me...knowing me, people can see that I am a good and loving person...but I never gave myself the credit to say that being me was enough to have someone fall in love with me. That whole self confidence thing rearing its ugly head.

We have not been intimate in more than 10 years...but we have managed to be in contact at different times during those years. We were in contact at the end of my marriage. He was supportive through email and encouraged me to seek counseling to save my marriage....and continued to be supportive in my decision to divorce. His first marriage had ended the year before mine. When I got back I had the illusion that we would hang out like friends do. I don't think he ever wanted things to go back to the way there were. I read that book "He's just not that into you"...and well that was us. It was hard to admit that I had really destroyed that possibility of anything ever happening with us by being so insecure....but I believe that to be true. But I felt good about having a friendship after all those years. He was a good friend and having that was enough and meant alot.

Brett met his fiance online last year. Although we periodically emailed each other he did not tell me his email was changing....I know it did because of two things..the rejected email I got from his old server and the email address that is now on forwarded emails from his cousin. It still makes me sad that not only will he ever take me seriously in a relationship....I lost that friend because maybe we were really never friends. I guess it could be that we were friends but the friendships of men and women get too complicated once they get intimate to last when one of them finds their true love.

I hope that this time he finds the happiness that we all deserve.


Blogger Michelle said...

Kylee, whilst i can understand the relationship you had in the beginning, i think it's very sad he couldn't find the words or at least tell you he wasn't interested in keeping contact with you. At least if he'd have done that you'd have a proper closure on the friendship.

2:57 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Memories of past relationships—especially those in which one has invested their “head and heart”—can be bittersweet, especially when the other person has “moved on.” I’ve been there—I may even be there at this moment. I identify with your words.

2:38 PM  
Anonymous jd's rose said...

Kylee, that was heart wrenching.
Ahhh, lost loves....


6:50 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Thanks guys.

I think having him being back in my life at the end of my marriage helped me step was time. I had tried all that I could...having Brett in my life at that time reminded me what my dreams had really consisted of...what I had envisioned of my life when I had envisioned it with him and it was not the life I was living with my husband. I knew even then that Brett and I would never be together..that was not what it was about...I just remembered what I had always thought a happy; healthy relationship was..even though I have never experienced one of those yet.

It also reminded me of the things I needed to fix in me....If I continue to do that and have a happy, healthy relationship with myself then the rest will come if it is meant to, with whomever it is meant to.

I do hope he has found his happiness now...

9:39 PM  

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