Forever Humble

2012

2011-12-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

My thoughts for 2012 are to make sure that I focus on the good things. To focus on what I have control over and to let go of the things I have not control over. I have talked a lot to the man in my life and I love him. I believe that he has a problem but I know that he is a good loving person that I want to be with that I want to make this work. The last 2 weeks have been amazing and he has been keeping control over his drinking and been wonderful. I know that this probably wont last that the drinking will happen again but I need to work on putting focus on what I can control and dealing with what I can't. I have to decide what I can handle and what I can't and live my life in a way that my son and I are happy and taken care of. For now my son loves this man and this man is good to both of us. For now I need to live in the moment and appreciate what I have. Life is too short to be concerned with the whatifs....

still...

2011-12-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

I still don't know what to do...or I do and don't want to do it. I feel like a failure again. I feel like I did all wrong again. The more I try to find out if he loves me the more I push him away.

I should not have to find out if he loves me I should just know.

He talks to his ex wife...she cheated on him and he still needs to talk to her. I did not know they were talking but then I found out....

I would not feel so bad about it if he had been honest with me but since he is hiding it...it is wrong.

it just keeps getting worse and worse and I knew it would...

Why...

2011-12-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

I spent 3 years spilling my guts....sharing everything and believing that this man respected me and loved me and wanted to be with me even with all my issues and my feelings about alcohol...

The reality is he never heard anything I said and kind of threw it all in my face and I let him....

I am not a victim I am the creation of my own faults that I don't learn from. I thought I was changing but apparently there are still things broken because I feel into this situation.

If you have an instinct a feeling a doubt...anything that something is not right...believe it and do what you need to do to protect yourself against it because the only person you can count on is yourself. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and save yourself from these situations.

Decisions...Decisions...

2011-12-10T06:15:00.000-08:00

I have big decisions to make....and I don't want to have to make them. I am pissed that I even have to think about it. I am pissed that as careful as I thought I was being how screwed up my life is yet again.

He is a hard working, compassionate, loving, funny and smart man....who by definition is an alcoholic.

We have a beautiful home and my son is very happy and at this time if he does realize what is going on he does not let on.

But I have no choice but to recognize that there is a real problem and I can not ignore it and I must face it and decide what to do next.

The one thing I can say that as I own this and just face it head on I no longer feel the anxiety I felt when I first was "accepting" that it was happening.

Goodness knows I had enough signs that I chose to ignore and that is my fault.

Crazy...continuing to do the same behaviors and expecting a different outcome...this I can not be anymore...

For now...

2011-10-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

things are good. Life is good. Drinking has been kept at a mininum. I need to enjoy it and appreciate it as I get it and not dwell on what/when it might change. Will this last...probably not but it will return and for now all I can do is go with it and appreciate the good as it comes.

There is so much in life that we dwell on that we have little to no control over. I can't control if he drinks all I can control is how I react to it and how I let it determine what it is going to do to me.

He is kind, loving, funny and full of life. I don't know why he drinks and most importantly I know there is nothing I can do to change it. Even when he does drink he is still him....he is still the funny, goofy guy that I love. If I had not had the experience that I had before I might not even react to it at all. I might just consider it normal.....I dont know because that will never be.

Living...

2011-10-18T02:46:00.001-07:00

with someone who has some kind of problem with alcohol can make you crazy...sometimes you are the one that is causing more of an issue in the household than the person that actually has the problem.

Oh don't get me wrong I am not saying it is my fault by any stretch of the imagination..what I am saying is my reaction to it is my fault....the results of my reactions to it are my fault.

My current situation is different than the one I was in before. This person is totally different than my ex.

I need to decide how I am going to react to the things that remind me of that previous situation.

If I decide to stay I need to also decide to make sure I don't make his problem my problem...in this case that would be easier than in the past because he in no way tries to push it on me. It is easier not to accept responsibility for something that is not being offered.

Right now by reactions are being triggered by what has occurred in the past by what I expect to happen now....even though that is not what this situation is.....

I have a lot of decisions to make to react or not react, to accept or not accept...to stay or not to stay. Whatever I decide I have to own those decisions, live with them and be happy with them or change them that is the only power I have.

Is it over???

2011-10-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

If it is then it is as it should be but it still hurts.

I can't believe that almost 7 years after packing up my car with my son and my dog and leaving my ex I am in this situation again. How does that happen?

The situation is not the same but it is the same. This person is sweet, caring, loving, most of the time attentive, somewhat lazy at times, responsible with money, and genuine. Many of the things my ex was not and is not....but he drinks and he drinks a lot and a lot alone. He hid this from me.....I did not hid my feelings about it or what I did to leave it behind me....so why and how are we now in this situation?

I don't understand how a very financially cautious person walks into a situation he knows could never work.....how does he allow us to sign papers on a home for us to live in together, to build a life together and then start drinking in our home everyday.....

When we were dating we did not see each other everyday but when we were together there wasn't excessive drinking and most of the time there wasn't any and it seemed like normal behavior...not forced.

Unfortunatly for anyone that reads this..this is my outlet...I have no other because I feel I poison those around me with my illness...my absolute failure to deal with this in a reasonable manner...I am trying but I feel I am failing. Maybe this will help.

I love him but I can not live with becoming a person I can't stand in myself because I can't seem to deal with this issue. I wanted a partnership of love and commitment...now I am afraid to come home and see what kind of shape he is in...

He doesn't talk to me about anything of any real importance....I am on my own here and I am afraid that I will not deal with it in the best possible way for my son.

The guilt I have for not catching on to the clues that had to be there before putting my son and I into this situation is awful...but it is something I need to get over and just deal. It is what it is....I tried to do it all right and take my time in this relationship and I still missed things.... so deal with it and move on. I need to get over myself and be the parent and person I want to be that I have worked so hard to be, I can't allow myself to slip back into that person I didn't want to be when I left 7 years ago.....

so tired...so alone...

2011-10-13T08:33:00.002-07:00

How do you spend 3 years of your life dating someone just to find out after you buy a home and move in together that he is a total alcoholic. How can someone who has been through it all before be so blind?? I am so mad at myself and so mad at him....wow

19 year old's pain titled... ME..

2010-05-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

Someday he'll remember me and my love for him.

Someday maybe he'll care and think of all I did for him.

Someday when his life is right he'll realize that losing me was stupid of him.

Someday he'll try to find me and I'll thank him.

I'll thank him for helping me grow and I'll hate him for showing me love and its terrible pain.

I'll always love him and I'll always care, but deep inside I'll always hate him for hating me.

He'll never know the kind of pain I felt, and never again will he get the love and caring I gave him.

To him I wish all the best, except in love.

To that I hope he never feels the kind of love I felt for him. So he can be as lonely as I am now for all his life.

Why is it.....

2010-04-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

..people go to the gym to work out but wait for a parking spot right by the door.

..you donate $20 and get 2 reams of labels, a note pad with your name on it and some greeting cards.

..that the CPA asks the IT professional "shouldn't two people taking cash keep it separate"

..that people insist on changing lanes to be in front of you on the freeway just to slow down. I think that those are the people that as kids they always wanted to play follow the leader and they always had to be the leader.

..that there is never a traffic officer around when cars are riding your ass while you drive the speed limit in a residential area but the first time you have your seat belt shoulder strap off your shoulder they are right there to write you a ticket.

it is just strange

2010-03-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

...when you see a man walking out of a public restroom cleaning off the screen of his laptop....

makes you wonder what he was doing in there...

A 16 year old's ideas on trust

2010-03-10T21:31:00.000-08:00

"Trust" is a word that should not be taken lightly. It is a word that means something very deep and very meaningful.

To some that is all "trust" is a word, a word that has very little meaning. But I disagree. It’s not only a word on a sheet of paper but an idea, feeling and part of a meaningful relationship. Not just one kind of relationship, but all kinds; with parents, friends, boyfriend and most of all yourself. You have to trust yourself before you can expect anyone else to trust you.

But even after you have trusted you, there is no guarantee that anyone else will trust you. If you do find that once in a lifetime relationship with someone special you should treasure it and do everything in our power to keep it. To keep that special someone, to keep that trust is what you need to do. But there is always a chance of that someone letting you down and letting themselves down. If that happens, I guess if you see that this person is hurting inside you should forgive and forget. If your feelings are deep enough, one time is only a mistake and that my friend is something you can expect from everyone, mistakes.

Trust is also something you have to give others. You have to trust them in order to expect them to trust you. You'll find that many times people you think you can trust are not as trustworthy as you thought. But don't yell, scream and fight with them. It won’t change what they have done; it will only make it worse. Just get on with your life, but take it slow one step at a time.

I know that sometimes what they do is heartbreaking and yes it takes a long time to mend that broken heart, but don’t be a hermit and never trust any one again. That hurts more than anything else, being alone in the world.

Kids say it all....

2010-03-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. Time has flown by.

We get along really well and more importantly Steve and the bf get along great. We haven't moved in together or anything yet. We have both said yes eventually we see making the move to living together and even getting married, but we are taking our time.

The other day the 3 of us were walking and talking. Steve was talking about some things he had seen on America's Funniest Home Videos.

All of a sudden he blurts out..."When you guys get married you should'nt do it in the winter and you really should not do it outside, you might get hailed on". He was refering to an episode of the show he had seen and wanted to make sure we did not make the same mistake.

The bf said "There's no pressure there".

Another time we were playing a card game and Steve says "My mom and my someday step dad are going to loose".

I guess we have his approval and that means a lot!!

Pants

2009-12-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

One of my pet peeves are the boys that wear pants that are falling off. The ones that are barely hagging showing all of their underclothes. I have a few years to worry about this and hope the "fashion" statement goes out before I do but I have a plan just in case.

I buy my sons clothes and unless he wants to buy his own I will not buy pants like that and I will make sure he always has underoos - No one would want to show off their spidey undees right?

The other idea is so sew his undershorts to his pants so they dont slide.

Note to small business owner

2009-11-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

It is not recommended to make promises to your customers, not keep those promises and blame your customer.

It is also not recommended to bad mouth your contact person to their boss when their boss knows the truth, that boss may just tell that contact person to look for a new vendor.

Guess what that contact person would be more than happen to handle that task...Just saying.

Communication

2008-05-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

Communication is important in any relationship. We have all heard that men and women communicate differently and is one reason relationships end.

I always hear jokes about how when a man says he wants to watch the game – it just means he wants to watch the game and women will often think something along the lines that he is unhappy with her or uninterested in her. Women often read between the lines and try interpreting what is being said and many times they are wrong in their interpretation.

Since the BF and I have both been divorced we have both gone through the reflecting to try and see what went wrong, what we could do to improve future relationships. The BF has said that one of his issues is communication and he is working hard to make sure he is clear and that he is also a good listener.

Here is an example ….

Me – I am sorry I did not want to dance tonight I just didn’t feel like it. I really did not like having to say no like 100 times.

BF – I am sorry I didn’t know.

Me – but I said it.

BF – I am still learning your signals.

Me – ok what could I do differently to be clearer?

BF – Well what was your signal?

Me – Well when I said “No, I really don’t want to dance tonight”

BF – ohhh

Granted I generally don’t like to dance because I am too self-conscious and I am working through that slowly. I have danced other times we have gone out but I had a few drinks before hand. On this particular night I had not had a drink in a few hours and was very happy with the conversation and people watching.

But see we are communicating –

Life - Relationships ...Oh my...

2008-05-05T19:19:00.001-07:00

What do you do when your new boyfriend

is 7 years younger than you

tells you he wanted to go out with you 10 years earlier but you would not give him the time of day

almost says he bought his new vehicle to fit the new situation

likes to give smooches in public

has an aunt that went out with your younger brother

enjoys spending time with you and your child

has only been divorced for almost 5 months

has an ex-wife who wants to call and complain because her mother is mad at her over the divorce – she the one who got pregnant with someone other than him

is self sufficient with virtually no debt

will probably do just about anything for you

is the proverbial nice guy

When you

feel really weird about being 7 years older

remember that 10 years ago but remember liking one of the other younger guys

don’t want the car you have

feel funny but PDA

didn’t even know that your brother was seeing anyone at the time

have a child that adores him

have been on your own for 4 years

has an ex-husband that will be in the picture forever

still has a huge student loan and recovering credit

feel you are too selfish currently state to deserve such attention but can’t seem to shake it at times

are trying to enjoy the nice guy and not second guess it

I guess you try to get over the little stuff and enjoy the good stuff. It’ll be 6 months at the end of this month – things are going well.

I enjoy it when he is around but I also enjoy my own time and my own space. There are still things that I like to do or don’t do but don’t feel comfortable doing when he is around – stupid stuff but my stuff all the same.

Long time

2007-12-06T16:28:00.000-08:00

Time has gone by really fast.

We have a new employee - things are working out well. I miss Kelley but lucky for me she does go out to lunch with us once in awhile. Things are busy but ok.

Christmas is coming and no daddy visit - just a vacation for me and my little monster baby.

I recently saw the man that I wanted to marry and always thought I would and swear it feels like I will never get over...He and his his very cute wife are getting ready for their first child. I am very happy for him and wish them the very best.

I am actually dating.....I guess. not sure how I feel about it yet. I like the guy but....

He is 7 years younger than me.
He is one of my brothers friends.
He is thinner than me.
and most of all his divorce is not final yet. It will be in 20 days.

Kinda feels like he is trying to fill that void. I guess the best thing is to take it slow and give it time.

Anyway I hope all is well!!!

Irritations

2007-10-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

There does not seem to be any time anymore.

We have hired someone new but they don't start until the 22nd.

Steve is doing very well in school and is busy with soccer and cub scouts.

I am dealing with my favorite vendor......

Vendor "I see an active issue report here that if the bill date has a date in it the process won't run. Can you clear the bill date and then try it again?"

Me "I am looking on the account screen and don't see a bill date, can you tell me where the bill date is and I will clear it and try it again"

3 days later

Vendor "Can you run the process again so that I can see how you are running it and then I can find the bill date. I don't know where it is right now."

Me "I found it." I looked at the program for 15 minutes and low and behold there it tells me where it is.

Owell I should know by now just to look myself, I seem to find it faster than asking the vendor to help me with my problems - they can't seem to answer any of my questions lately.

But of course if I do not respond to their email within 20 minutes they are trying to call Kelley because the just can't seem to get a hold of me. She does not even work on this project anymore and even though they have been notified they still call her - poor girl its not like she doesn't have enough people callling her to have to get calls about my issues.

URGGGGG

Anyway I hope all is well. Maybe someday I will be able to visit instead of just popping on once in awhile to pop off :)

I blinked

2007-09-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

And September is almost gone....

Its been busy but I really haven't stressed on it too much. Just kinda gone with the flow and realized what gets done gets done and I can only do what I can do.....all I can think is "the meds must be working" :)

Still haven't had any time to browse....doing the 'My Thing' but wanted to share this...

this is a picture Steve and I took from the plane on the way to Arizona on vacation....I think it is amazing...we took several, this is my favorite.

Mt. Rainier, WA

I hope everyone is doing well!!!

Wow Long time

2007-09-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well My Steve is home, we had our vacation, school has started, soccer has started, cub scouts have started, I am a year older and work is busy busy busy.

I went to my parents house tonight and they are busy cleaning out their garage. In their garage where some of my things. It is funny reading some of the things I have written in school years ago.

I wrote this when I was 16. Still sounds appealing. An English paper.....

Ideal Place
I want to go where I can be free of city noise and city hassles, where the grass is green and the sky is blue. Riding horses through the meadow, listening to the wind go by me in a flash, is what appeals to me. Having a picnic on the grass with the warm suns hays amidst me. I want to go where I can enjoy the smell of fresh cut grass in my yard instead of a smokestack fumes. To be safe from pollution and smog in the clean place where only few go. To see the stars in the fresh, clear night with someone special, is something I'd enjoy. having dinner by a fire, eating fresh cooked fish caught earlier in the day would be a nice way to end that day.

Its funny huh.

Limited time

2007-07-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow is the day where I go back to Texas to get my little boy.

Of course I probably wont get to see him until at least Friday but its almost time.

I am very excited. I have things to say I just don't have the time right now. I am sure in the next few days I will be able to catch up being that I will have all this free time on my hands.

I hope you are all doing well!!

17 more days....

2007-07-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Until I leave to go get my son..

Went to work everyday last week early since traffic really sucks when you don't have a carpool buddy. Oh and if you are ever behind me on the freeway - move because I always end up in the slowest lane.

Went camping this weekend. My family has property in a community that has a private park on a lake. So being it is a community with a common area that is for private use only there is a annual meeting each year to talk about dues and the yearly budget. That is what happened this weekend. It was about 90 degrees out and although we were at the lake all day - we spent almost 3 hours listening to politics of a community that we only visit a few times a year. Besides the meeting we had a great time.

My friend at work got a new job. I am really happy for her, she will be awesome at her new job. She is pretty awesome at everything that she does.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, my friend, my coworker, the person that knows everything about how things are supposed to happen in the office is going to be working a new job. I have been at my job for almost 2 1/2 years and I have worked with her the entire time. If someone reports a problem I might be able to fix it but she is the one that helps me understand what the problem is and how it is supposed to work because she knows all the rules and procedures. I don't....she is leaving me. She is my confidant, my sounding board and my partner. I am kinda worried that I wont be able to do things right without her.....I am very lucky that her new job will be across the hall.

Good Lucky Kelley - you wont need it but I wish you all the luck in the world!! I will be there to support you in this new adventure.

I hope everyone has a great week.

2007-07-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Oh and then there is this.....

I find it amazing that the hospital does not have butt gaskets...I mean really of all places shouldn't they have them?

***Whoops I did not know this was not a common name for the paper seat covers that are found in many restrooms to cover the seats before you sit down on them. 8)

2007-07-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

The Trip Home (I still can't type in type in the title box)

Well it was really nice to see my friends. They are always very generous with their home and their time. They were all there for me during a very difficult time in my life. Actually every time I go there its a bit difficult. I appreciate them so much and I am very lucky to have friends like that.

Saturday I spent alone at their home while they went to the beach for a family reunion. I was going to go and then drive back to catch my plane. I was concerned something like flood waters would happen and I'd be late so I elected to stay put. It was a long quiet day of internet, movies, dishes and generally going kinda loopy just sitting around. I did do some work to help pass the time.

I took off for the airport and stopped to get gas before I got on to the highway. Filled it up and headed out. 1/2 hour later I was getting off of the highway and had to fill up again I had used 1.65 gallons on my way to the car rental return. I guess using air conditioning really makes a difference or the Saturn ION gas mileage really sucks. My gauge looked like I had used almost a 1/4 tank.

Got to the airport right on time. Sat and read my book for an hour. Got on the plane right on time and was told that we were going to try and take off a little early because of impending weather. It had been nice all day, now we were getting weather. We sat on the tarmac for an hour. Its always a good feeling when you are on a plane taxing out to the runway and see 4 fire trucks with lights flashing rushing through the tarmac. At least they were not headed to our plane.

We took off and were headed to Denver. My flight to Seattle was due to take off and hour after our flight was originally scheduled to land - hmmm what were the chances we'd make it.

About halfway the flight attendant came on the air and said "Attention passengers does there happen to be a doctor on board? If there is a doctor on board please ring your call button." That's always nice too. They huddled around this guy - I don't know what his issue was but he looked fine, he walked, talked and blinked really what else is there.

On our decent into Denver we circled at least twice and with each turn I felt like I was going to slide out of my seat. Luckily airlines build in a buffer for their flight times and we landed about the time my next flight was to start boarding. But we had to wait for the paramedics to come on board and get this "sick" guy off the plane. 6 paramedics came on board and the guy walked and talked his way off the plane entirely on his own power.

I had to pee so bad my eyes were floating so I headed towards my next gate - they had just started boarding and so I stopped off to pee. I would not have made it another flight.

As we were on the jet way bridge I swear the thing dropped down an inch on two different occasions. I wondered if it just fell if I could get lifetime of free flights. Owell that did not happens so I guess I will have to continue paying for them.

I boarded and of course there is always the problem of the people holding everyone up as you get on the plane like the woman who ended up sitting next to me that mixed up 7B with 7E. I see the confusion. Before switching seats they had to discuss whether she would move or the other girl would just take her seat. She moved.

The flight to Seattle was pretty uneventful, I read a little, I slept a little and I watched TV a little. As we landed and were taxing to the gate the flight attendant had this to say.

"Attention Passengers on behalf of Frontier airlines we would like to be the first to welcome you to Seattle. We have enjoyed serving you on this flight and looking at your sleeping faces. We hope to see you back in a different lifetime. As you get ready to depart please look around to you make sure you get all of your personal belongings. On every flight someone leaves something especially these late night flights. So please check to make sure you have your headphones, your IPod, your kids and any other personal items you may have taken out."

I was pleased to find that my luggage had made it even with the fast transition between the Denver flight and the Seattle flight. Seattle baggage claim takes forever we were all growing older by the minute as we waited.

The saddest thing was I did not talk to Steve all day. I called several times, but he never answered. I think it might have been easier for me to leave Houston right away to come home instead of spending more time there. Although I did not see him, I knew I was close and leaving yesterday was really, really hard. I am glad to be home but I miss my little boy!!

I hope everyone has a great week.

2007-07-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

VACATION - yeah whatever. (I can't give this post a title)

I was going to write about my vacation but it did not come out well so here is a summary.

Miss my kid - more than I can explain.

Did some fun sightseeing - 3 hours at the hospital yesterday.

Floated my way around Houston yesterday in between taking my friends mom to the doctors and then the hospital. (She is fine)

Took care of another friends dogs over the 4th - Their kids. There is nothing like staying up all night with the kids.

Bored out of my skull - tried to get an ealier flight out - no such thing. They probably don't even staff the checkin counter until 5pm tonight - its only 1:30pm.

Missing all the wonderful sunny and warm weather at home :( - It will probably rain when I get back.

It is going to be a long 4 more weeks.

I have talked to Steve everyday - he seems to be having fun so that is all that matters.

The Zoo

2007-07-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

On that last day of school I took Steve and Stephanie to the zoo here is the Jaguar we saw...usually he is sleeping - we got to see him up front and personal - it was really cool!!

We made it - barely

2007-07-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well we made it. Our trips are not without some type of issue.

My brother took us to the airport. Our flight was to take off at 6:51 am so we were going to be at the airport at 5:30. I was up most of the night getting ready, cleaning and stuff. I got probably 3 hours of sleep. We got up and ready to go as we are driving up to the terminal I pulled out the itinerary, our flight was taking of at 6:10, we were late.

We were at the check in counter at 5:30. She said we were late and checking bags we couldn't do anything. Ok so I wasn't going to panic. I asked what we could do about getting another flight. She got us on, she tagged our bags and said if they did not make it with us that I would have to arrange to pick them up at my expense. Ok fine, no problem. If they did get there late I would pick them up and have another excuse to go see Steve at his dads.

We boarded and flew to Denver. I all went pretty well, no issues. There was one kid that threw up all over himself a couple rows ahead of us. It got me thinking how do they clean that up? Do they clean it before the next flight or was the wipe down the mom did all that happens? ick, ick, ick

We got to Denver about 20 minutes before boarding our flight to Houston. As we got off the plane I saw all the waiting people to board our plane wondering who the lucky person was that got to sit in the puck isle.

We boarded our flight to Houston and all was going well until Steve knocked over his just re-filled root-beer. I have never heard my son say "Oh darn it, darn it" so much - it was kinda cute. Poor kids shorts were wet. I did not realize how wet till we were getting off the plane. I thought again - who got to sit in Steve's wet with root-beer seat.

We got off the plane and went to the rest room so I could wash off the root-beer on his legs that I missed when I wiped him down on the plane. I told him we would change his shorts as soon as we got his luggage.

We stopped off at the ticket counter so I could get a confirmation of my flight out on Saturday - I had to have it to pick up the rental car since I paid for it with my debit card. We stood in line for about 30 minutes as the single person ticket counter took care of one person.

We got the confirmation and went to pick up the bags. Most of the bags were gone by then. There were a couple more still being put on the conveyor - I saw my bag - great no problems. Waited a little longer till we saw the thing that said "Last Bag". Steve's bag did not make it. Shoot. My bag made it - his did not.

We trucked it back up stairs to the ticket counter to stand in line for another 30 minutes to put in a claim for the missing bag. I just figured it would show up on the next flight. I am still waiting.

We were going to meet my friends for dinner before I took Steve to his dads, but after the long day we had and loosing his bag, he really just wanted to go see dad. I took him to the store and bought him $120 worth of new clothes - it was pretty good since it was 4 outfits, 2 pajamas, swimsuit, socks and underwear. We then headed to his dads.

I dropped him off and I have talked to him 3 times. I miss him already and I really did not think I would feel as lonely as I do right now knowing he is going to stay here for the next 5 weeks. I wish they would find his bag so he had his familiar stuff with him. I love my little angel baby, my monster baby, my big 2nd grader (the term he prefers).

Our airline was Frontier - it was the first time I flew on Frontier - it was pretty good except for the one person ticket counter - I guess that is how they save money. The best part was the little TV's infront of every seat. I paid for it on both flights for Steve - it helped pass the time.

Happy 4th of July

Count Down

2007-06-29T23:46:00.000-07:00

We are in count down mode. We leave in 4 days...I think we are dealing just fine. At times I can sense the stress in Steve. But overall things are good.

We will be very busy between now and then. Working, dentist appointments and visiting family and friends.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and if I don't make it back before the 4th - have a fun and safe one!!

Wish I had a recorder

2007-06-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

One day Steve asked me a question as we were getting ready for dinner,

Steve "Mom can I go to summer school?"
Me " Why, did someone say that you need to go?"
Steve "No, I just want to go. Some of my friends are going"
Me "Well, I don't think that you need to go and besides that you will be at your dads during that time".
Steve "Thats Ok, I don't care if I don't go to my dads"

That would be a nice recording to have....he really wants to be in school ;)

btw - after seeing his report card I think he is doing very well in school. Not too interested in music but other than that he is doing great!!

Not much..

2007-06-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Is new...

Yesterday was Steve's last day of the first grade. Not that you can really call it a day since it was only 2 hours.

I took most of the day off. Steve, his friend Stephanie and I went to the zoo. We had lunch in the park first and then went into the zoo.

It was a great day for the little 2nd graders except that Stephanie got sick in my car on the way home. She did not seem sick up until that point.

We were supposed to go out to dinner with her and her dad after the zoo but her mom had called last minute and wanted to pick her up so we will have to reschedule. She is a mom for the record books thats fo sure!!

Not counting today its 9 more days till we take our trip to Texas.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Say what?

2007-06-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today we had a meeting about what problems people are having with the new interface. What might be something we can solve and what might be something that should be submitted as an enhancement.

User " My issue is that in the old system I would put the number in and hit the period to enter the next field. Now I have to put the number in and hit tab to get to then next field"

I don't really see what the "problem" is with the application but we must feel their pain.

Now they have use their left hand to continue on when before they could use the right one.

I see their point.

Just Another day

2007-06-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

Just an update since its just life :)

We have been busy, but in nothing in particular. Just finishing baseball, scouts, house-sitting for my parents while taking care of my dog and my sister with her broken ankle. Testing another application at work as well as several other projects. There is alot to do!!

Steve is almost done with school and a week after that he goes to visit his dad. I said before that I think he is dealing with it better this time. I still believe that but I can tell he is having issues. He is so excited to see his dad but at the same time he is "worried" about me. I think he is afraid something will happen to me while he is gone. We have been spending a lot of time talking and he will be ok.

Today he said "Mom, when are you going to get married again"
Yeah that was a fun conversation....I don't know how one kid gets these ideas. You just meet someone, fall in love and get married. Its as easy as that.

He went to the doctors and when the doctor said "What do you like to do"
Steve "I play soccer and baseball"
Doc "oh thats good"
Steve "Yeah and its healthy"
I don't think the doc had ever heard a kid say that..

Ok that is all I have.

Not much - Have a great weekend!!

Drama comes in all forms

2007-06-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

I still have “drama”. Steve has been going through some pretty traumatic issues….His tooth is loose. This is his second tooth. The first one he lost was really easy. One day he said “mom, my tooth is loose”. A couple of hours later he said “mom, look my tooth fell out”. The second tooth has not been as easy.

His tooth has been loose for a couple of weeks now. Now it is barely holding on. He is so dramatic about it that a person would think he was about to loose a limb.

Last night it was time for a bath and this is the conversation we had.

Steve – “Mom, what if my tooth falls and goes down the drain”
Me- “That wont happen”
Steve – “But what if it does, what about the tooth fairy”
Me – “We can write her a note and she will leave you something”
Steve – “She will, how will she know?”
Me – “She knows when all kids loose their teeth, its magic”
Me – “Ok Steve its time to get into the bath”
Steve – “Mom, but still, what if she doesn’t”
Me – “She will, just jump in and get it done real quick”

We finally got through that bath and he went to bed saying he was going to wiggle his tooth until it fell out.

This morning we continue the tooth drama.

Steve – “Mom, my tooth really hurts”
Me – “Well, let’s just pull it out”
Steve (screaming now) “NO, It WILL HURT”
Me – “Ok well it might hurt a little but then it won’t hurt anymore”
Steve – “Mom, but still, you don’t want me to be hurt do you?”

He tried to eat his breakfast and when that was just way too painful, he tried to eat a go-gourt, that too was too painful. He made it past that event and it was then time to brush his teeth.

Steve – “Mom, I don’t think can brush my teeth”
Me – “Why would that be”
Steve – “It hurts my tooth and what if it falls out and goes down the drain”
Me – “We will leave the note like we talked about last night”
Steve – “Mom, but still I want the tooth fairy to have my tooth”
Me – “Well I am sure with her magic she can get it if goes down the drain”
Steve (very distraught) – “But mom she wont be able to get it because it will be to the ocean by the time she comes to get it, then how would she be able to get it”

Gee I did not think about that

Another day has passed and he is in bed again and he still has his tooth.

Why does childhood drama always happen at bed time and when your trying to get out the door?

Life as it is...very busy...June already???

2007-06-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

Hi all. I am fine. Here I am to tell my story as it is. It really is not that interesting and I am sure it is like many others but I am here to tell it anyway. I believe that those who do not want to read know how to move to the next web page for their viewing pleasure.

February 21 was my last post...it’s been awhile. It seems almost like yesterday in the length of time although a lot has been going on but it is basically just life.

Steve is now a year older, he is almost done with another season of baseball and cub scouts is our new favorite past time.

Right after my last post my personal lap top died - it’s probably a hardware problem but I don't have the expertise to know for sure at this point and I haven't had the time to or the energy to learn. I have a desktop but I don’t have a good chair to sit at the desk. I also have my work laptop but I tend to feel compelled to actual work when I bring that out.

My mom is now a happy user of the computer and internet and I tell you that is no small task. My cousin now has a job interview at Boeing after I helped him with his online resume a couple of times because he could not remember his password. My other cousin has a newly reinstalled computer with all up to date software and virus protection. Oh and the porn I cleaned off my aunts computer is not something I had ever even imaged could happen. I really don't like computers sometimes the tire me.

Steve is almost done with another year of school. My 7 year old is growing up so fast. He is smart, happy, active, pain in the booty, and over all the greatest thing in my life.

I have been fighting this issue with myself not being really "happy". I guess some would call it depression....I call it irrational craziness. Whatever you call it...I have blamed hormones in general. I have been seeing my counselor, went to a natural path, and finally succumbed to some medication. It has not been serious and I know when I am being irrational but there are times that I would not want to be around me if I were the ones I love. They claim that it’s not as bad as all that but I don't believe them. Steve doesn’t seem to know the difference so I guess that is a good thing. He loves me and says I am the best mom ever – and everyone says he is just so happy. What more could I ask for right. Its that overwhelmed felling that never seems to go away for longer than a week at a time. So we shall see what happens now.

I spoke up for myself and said that I could not be the Den Leader of our Cub Scout troop, I did not want to take on too much…so instead I am Cub Master. So much for speaking up for myself ;). It hasn’t been too bad since we are the only troop in our den this year anyway. Next year will be a different story.

Work has been kind of crazy. We upgraded to a new version with a new interface for some of our users. Although we loaded it into test 4 months in advance, and tried to learn everything, test everything and help our users learn and test, things did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. The basic issue is that the people that actually use the software day to day to do their job were unable to spend a sufficient amount of time using the new version so that Kelly and I could work through issues that they had and find problems. But the day that they were able to use it in a live situations it was if the sky was falling. We made it through. Hopefully we have learned some things for next year when we introduce the interface a new set of users. The good news is that we have more time to learn their processes and get them to test as well.

I have to say I love my job. The last few months have been trying but overall I love it. I did not like it when Kelly went on vacation. I could have done without that. I mean really how selfish is it of my dear friend to plan a vacation like a year in advance and leave me on my own :) - Really I am just saying ;) – I survived and she had the wonderful time she deserved. But I told her that next time we were going to plan our vacations at the same time. If only that were possible, I am so glad she is back.

I have not received any child support since February. $100 a month is not a lot but it is something.

I have a small vacation coming. I will be taking Steve to visit his dad. Yes it is about that time again. I think we are both more prepared and ok with this visit as we have ever been. I think Steve is at the age where he knows that he is going for a “visit” and he will be back with me. I am not sure he really understood that before. Since he is better with it so am I. I will miss him very much. I will talk to him everyday. When he gets back we will be taking our vacation together. A week just doing what we want to do. I am looking forward to that!!

One of my cousins is going through a separation and divorce. She is fighting her ex a lot. I tried to be there for her in the beginning and I think I was. It got very difficult for me. It was familiar in a way but her way of dealing with things and seeing things is much different than mine and it got difficult for me to be supportive yet honest. She doesn’t like to hear what I have to say. She knows they are my opinions and I try not to shove them down her throat but I guess it might seem like that to her.

Anyway this week is another busy week. Baseball practice, baseball game, cub scouts and work. Sometimes being a single parent is very overwhelming.

I still haven’t dated. I say I don’t have time or the energy but I also haven’t had the opportunity. I think if I did have the opportunity I would probably have a panic attack. Now that is being totally honest.

Anyway, now that things are settled down a bit at work and Steve’s activities are winding down I may have the time and the energy to update this blog as well as visit my dear blog world friends.

I hope you are all well and enjoying this great gift of life that we have!!

Fun

2007-02-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

I am just one of the *hoi polloi. I still have to work everyday - gessshhhh

*(common people, the masses)

*** Yeah I didn't have anything good to say. I hope everyone is having a great week!!

So Tired

2007-02-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am so tired this week I just can't stand it. We have a 3 day weekend coming up ....Thanks goodness. So much to do.....

This weekend we are going to a hockey game....I haven't been to one since I left my ex. I like hockey really......and we are going with our favorite family so we should have a great time.

I haven't visited....but I hope you are all having a GREAT week and have an even better weekend!!

Good time was had by all...

2007-02-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

Went to the party and had a good time.

It was weird to be with them all again. I love that family. Each and every one of them. I saw his family, including his dad. His dad wants me to bring Steve by for a visit. We all talked about old times and the memories of the good times we had. It was nice. I miss them all.

He was there with his new wife as well. His cousin said to me...
"Are you going to be ok when they get here"
I said "oh yeah, Im fine with it. All I want for him is happiness"
She said "She looks just like you" (she kept saying it all night)

She doesn't look that much like me....well sorta. They look happy. Still deep into their "first" year of marriage. The honeymoon has not ended, and that is good for them. I am truly happy for him and only wish him the best, a lifetime of happiness. I hope that his dreams come true. When I think of him all I feel is love. No resentment, not anger, not loathing...just love. I feel for him what I don't for my ex........Its so weird. He introduced me to his wife and explained how I used to work with his sister and we all used to hang out. I was his cousins roommate etc, etc...the other details don't matter so they are best to be left out. She is from out of town so she doesn't know the history and there is no need to let her hear all the gory details. I have to admit it was hard to look into his eyes.....we shook hands as I left. He and I will always be a mystery to me....I guess some things are never answered.

The slightly uncomfortable times aside I had a great time. It was fun reminiscing with my old friends. I don't think there were hard feelings left over from before. Life just moves on when you go away...people change, everything changes. I probably wont ever send what I wrote but I felt better just getting it off my shoulders. Letting go of my own guilt.

The one friend who invited me wants me to go out with her and a couple of her cousins next weekend. Steve would stay at her house with her kids and her husband. They take turns once in awhile going out. Maybe I will go.....it would be fun. Steve and I would stay the night at their house. Steve would love to hang out with her kids. I love that family!! I was in their wedding years ago and I was at the hospital when their first son was born almost 13 years ago.

It was good. Memories .........

Thoughts..

2007-02-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have been invited to a birthday party on Saturday night....I was caught off guard by the invitation. It came from a very good friend of mine but the party is for her sister. Her sister and I had been friends in that past and had a lot of good times together but things happen and you tend to grow apart.....These friends are cousins of the guy that I will always remember as the one that got away. He is married now for the second time and he and his wife will probably be there too. That does not bother me...what I am wondering is whether the bday girl and the guys brother will accept me as a friend again. Even as an acquaintance....my thoughts are stemmed from the guilt of being selfish during the "break up" from that guy...I had to stay away from the whole family....and they never sought me out on their own. I guess its a two way street but I know that at times they felt I left them not him.

This is a first draft of something I would like them to know...

When we are younger many of us take a lot of things for granted, we are selfish to a fault. That was me when we were close. Although you were my friend and I loved every minute I spent with you, I never truly appreciated what you meant to me.

In the passing years, we have grown apart and I have grown as a person. I have learned that in our lifetime we have "angels" that come into our lives as friends and helps us grow into the people that we are supposed to become. They are the people that leave a mark that helps define and guide us through what is to come.

I want you to know that even though we are not close like we used to be and we rarely ever see each other, you have left a wonderful mark in my life. That is something I do and always will cherish.

I am sorry for the times that I was selfish and let you down. I want you to know that those times were about me and were not a reflection on how I felt about you.

I wish you a lifetime of happiness because you deserve the best that life has to offer. I know enough now to realize that life often throws us curve balls along the way that surprise us and often hurt us. I know that you have a wonderful, supportive group of friends and family around you, but please remember that if there is ever a time that you need anything, let me know and I will be there to support you as I should have in the past.

I hope that I am lucky enough that our paths cross again, that this passing "angel" I was lucky enough to have in you, is once again my friend.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

2007-02-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

Boy are we busy at work....its like the faucet got turned on and here we go...running and running.

We are working on testing and implementing a new software version of our main system.
We are also learning, setting up, testing, developing and delivering training on a new interface to that system.
We are also supporting another smaller system on day to day operations.
The other smaller system has two other "plug in" apps that need to be tested, learned and training developed and delivered for them.
This same smaller system also has a new interface to another smaller system that needs to be set up and tested.
This same smaller system has another interface to our main system that has a new interface to it that needs to be tested and users need to be trained on it.
Then there is another new application being deployed to one of our departments that Kelly and I are supporting. At this time we are acting as participants in the testing efforts, but in the end we will be the technical support...(note to self: learn new system so that we can support it.)

These projects all have due dates that are all between now and the end of April.....

All that on top of other projects that are on ongoing status for both of us......
Besides just the standard day to day....support issues that come up.

I am not complaining..its job security and I have worked at a place where I was afraid I would be one of the ones let go at each reporting quarter because we all knew things were not good.

I just wanted to outline it and make sure I had it all straight......mmmmm...I am not panicked ...really....Kelly may just want to kick me to the proverbial curb by the time we are done with all this....Lets all hope not 8)

On a less stressed note.....tomorrow I am going on a school field trip with Steve...I am so excited and so is he. It should be a lot of fun. (I can leave the work at work and have fun with my son....again Friday Kelly may want to knock me out as my stress level returns )

I hope everyone is having a GREAT Week...

Nothing..

2007-02-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

that is what I heard from movie guy....owell

Spoiled...

2007-02-01T20:21:00.000-08:00

Thats me...
This week we were working with a consultant/trainer guy. We have implementing a new interface to our system and it adds a whole new layer to what we have to support. That last couple of months have been a whirlwind of bad weather, holiday and setting up and learning this new interface/system.

I feel that I learn pretty quickly. Do I always get things the first time...no way now how. BUT I do get it and learn it and get kinda good at it. But things are happening very quickly right now and its been a little tough keeping up at times. Last week we had a different consultant working with us and teaching us new things. So my brain and I am sure Kelly's feels a bit overloaded at times.

I usually learn by doing. Someone can usually explain thing to me...I get it but it does not sink in until I have to do it. Most of the time I fumble my way through it following what I learned and let it all sink in. When I don't understand something or not sure I understand something or feel like I am hearing something different from what I THOUGHT I understood I ask ALOT of questions......I guess that is pretty annoying to some people. I also get frustrated when I hear something 10 different times and every other time I hear it differently....kind of confusing...so I ask MORE questions.....oh and I don't hide my frustration very well at all....especially when the person I am asking the question of gets frustrated because I am having to ask the same question again....and then I get even more irritated and flustered....you see a pattern here right....

Oh yeah and I really don't like being cut off mid question..with an answer that does not even fit the question...

Last year we had a consultant/trainer on site and I don't remember these problems with that one....that one seemed to take all of our questions and confusion with ease.......We were very lucky with that trainer.....

I think I learned alot this week...but I am also confused on some things...I guess I will just have to try and test more to prove or disprove what I think I know...I wont be asking this weeks trainer for guidance unless I have too.....

Kelly was wonderful...she took the whole thing in stride...I was upset and frustrated all day...and I could not hid it at all!! I am so lucky to work with such a wonderful level headed person!! I just love her.

To all those good trainers out there...we are very luck to have you!!! Thanks for respecting my desire to learn and learn completely not just the step by step process and allowing me to question when something does not make sense to me..I am better at supporting my users and our systems when I understand the whats and whys of things that happen.

I hope I am not so harsh with my users when I try to help them.....Gosh I will have to be more conscience of that.....

I know where some of it comes from

2007-01-29T22:58:00.000-08:00

Bryan's
post got me thinking..yet again about this....(talk about self obsessed)

I know that sometimes I am self obsessed and think that I will walk into a place and be the laugh of everyone. I think about it and know that the world does not revolve around me...and get over it. It takes time..but it does work.

I know where these feelings come from...at least in part.

When I was 2 years old my parents looked at me and noticed that there was something wrong with my eyes......I had a condition called "lazy eye", "crossed eyed" or the other name Strabimus. I was put into glasses - thick glasses. When I was 4 or 5 I was operated on...again glasses with a patch over one eye.....

I stared school with very thick lenses....I was teased very much. The focus that was put on me was about my glasses for what felt like each and every time I walked into a room.

As a kid you don't have a clear understanding of what is happening..... your perception is not reality, it all feels so drastic and dramatic to you. You just know you are a focus and what feels like "everyone" is looking and laughing at you all the time.

As I grew up I was the tallest, most developed girl around....not only that I had many many freckles and "odd" green eyes, all of which made for GREAT teasing points.

All these things are to my benefit NOW, I thank god that my parents took me into the eye doctor to get my eyes fixed......but as a child all of these things were to my detriment... I never learned how to stick up for myself or to believe that those kids were just cruel....I took the teasing over and over again and it hurt ALOT. I worked very hard at doing for others just to be a person that people would like.

I do not believe that I am the focus in any situation in fact it has been my practice to make sure that I am not. I may be self obsessed at times...but its not because I really believe that anything revolves around me...its because I want to make sure that IT NEVER does....not even a little bit.

I hope that I am teaching Steve to accept others for what they are and not pick them apart in anyway. We are all unique and we are all special, we are all weird to SOMEONE.....

btw...I hope everyone is having a great week and I will try to visit soon!!

The mind goes round and round....

2007-01-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

It is kind of funny when you think about how your mind works and how your thoughts resolve and expand.

This morning on the radio they were talking about the Super Bowl. I started thinking about things...my mind dialog went something like this...

"hmmm I wonder if movie guy watches football"
"I wonder if he watches it with his kids"
"I remember when I was a kid my dad watched football all day on Sunday"
"It was kind of funny when I had my own helmet and football while watching with my dad"
"To spend time with dad on Sunday meant watching football"
"At least he did not like college ball"
"My family really enjoys football and the Seahawks even though they have struggled all the time"
"My dad didn't ever enjoy any other sports...just Sunday football"
"We used to all roll our eyes when my grandpa would come over with his little radio listening to the Mariners"
"None of the rest of us were into baseball, and really not the Mariners"
"Grandpa really enjoyed them"
"When grandpa passed away grandma still enjoyed her Mariners since they used to always watch it together"
"When she moved in with my parents they started watching the Mariners with her"
"Now its like a family event to watch the Mariners and really get into the game"
"Gram was never really happy when she was living with my parents"
"She really wanted to be on her own although she felt lost without gramps"
"She was happier when she moved into her own apartment"
"Grams was the sweetest, worry wart around"
"hmmm I miss her, dad says I am just like her"

Guy
Football
Mariners
Grandma
Fond memories

This is better than it was

2007-01-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

Your Social Anxiety Level: 60%

You have moderate social anxiety.It's possible that you have a serious social anxiety problem.But it's also likely that you can help yourself, by getting out more and trying new, scary activities.No one's secretly judging you. So be yourself, and if you screw up, just laugh.

Are you Socially Anxious

Had this been a year ago it probably would have read 80-90%. Progress not perfection.

I am going out tomorrow night. Steve is staying the night with my parents. I am going to a bar where my friends step daughter is having her 21st birthday party. I don't really know her step daughter but she invited me so I might as well go hang out, it is a public place right. My sister is going to go with me. We both need to get out and about more. That is the goal. I figured that I probably did make it out and about at grown up events at least 12 times last year..so thats not bad huh.... 8)

Have a GREAT Weekend everyone!!

Non Movie Night

2007-01-20T17:19:00.000-08:00

Well tonight was supposed to be the night that we were going to go to the movie ..but we are not going.

I had a feeling Thursday and Friday that it would not happen. Of course me being me it was because I was not good enough and something else better came along.

I got a message yesterday afternoon from the movie guy and he asked if we could postpone for a couple of weeks. He said he had a bunch of stuff going on and alot of it had to do with one of his kids.

What can you say...of course I understand things come up. Do I believe it? Sure I have no reason not to and he said he wanted to do it in two weeks.

I am worried about me...I seem to expect the worst and am worried that I will always think that way. But I guess time will tell. I am going to counseling etc...so what else can I do but continue to work on it.

More on this later.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

This is funny

2007-01-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Got this in an email today...I laughed out loud so did my friend Kelly.

Subject: Diary of a Snow Shoveler (hilarious)

December 8:

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?

Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, lt's like being a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.

Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.

More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out.

Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:

Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.

I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:

Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.

Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot.

If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.

She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.

That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

More Snow in Seattle

2007-01-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

I have lived here most of my life and never have I experienced a winter such as this one. Today will be day 8 of school closures in Steve's district. Its plain crazy. More snow this morning. It is supposed to change to rain later but right now it has been snowing for almost 4 hours again.

Weenie

2007-01-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

That is me...I am a weenie.

We had some snow this past week. Since then it has been very cold. The night it snowed it took me 3 hours to get home and for others it took much longer. I had to drive 30 miles on the freeway that night and it was covered with snow and ice. It has since cleared up alot as far as the main line streets go but there is still snow on the ground and many residential areas still have ice on the roads.

This evening Steve was supposed to go to a birthday party near where he goes to school, which is that lovely 30 miles away. We were all set to go and then at 1:00 pm this afternoon it started lightly snowing. The reports all said..oh no not much snow, no accumulation etc...etc...It still made me nervous. I thought for sure by the time we went to leave it would be done.

Well it wasn't and it started sticking on my car.....right as we were getting ready to leave I made the executive decision to not make the trek to the party. I made the call to the child's parents and we stayed home. About an hour later..the snow stopped and it ended up being a none event.

In my defence it had been snowing for 3 hours....every so lightly and it started to stick.

Owell....we still have the present and Steve really seems like he couldn't care any less about the fact that we did not go.

I just did not want to get stuck and force us to drive on the snow covered freeway.....Owell

Searching for the perfect diet....

2007-01-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

People are actually searching for the cookie diet.

Come on people ...I know its not easy..but calorie control, portion control and exercise really do work. Last year at this time I wanted to lose 25-35 lbs...I did lose 20 lbs between this time last year and this year...not enough for me to be satisfied but I will take it and keep going from here.

Its Snowing...

2007-01-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

Its kinda crazy...it doesn't snow in Seattle...just all around us. But here we have it. Lots and Lots of snow...It took me 3 hours to drive home tonight. I think there are others that had it much worse than I did...to all of you on the road. Good luck and be safe. We are excited to play in the snow tomorrow!!

I hope all is well with everyone!!

HE SAID...

2007-01-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

"That sounds like an excellent Idea"

Thanks guys I needed the extra encouragement....I know whats the worst that can happen - he says no..right. But this time he didn't.

I did not call....but email because that is how we have been communicating generally.

We wont be going this weekend but next because he has his kids this weekend. Works for me...although I kinda had plans to tag along with my sister and her friend....Owell they will make it just fine without me.

relief....I did not want the disappointment again.

So what is right and what is not?

2007-01-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

When I was young my mom was very adamant that it was not appropriate for a girl to call a boy on the phone. I did anyway because I was boy crazy and just wanted to talk to them. The best almost relationship that I have ever had was with a guy that I asked out the first time. I say almost because he never took me or our “relationship” seriously. Sometimes I blame that on my aggressiveness.

But I don’t think that would be true for every guy. Look at my brother. A great guy. He works hard, he is responsible, supportive, and an overall great catch. But he is too shy. He would love to have some woman ask him out. Even if he did not feel at first that she was his type he would go out and have a good time. Give it a chance and then let her know if things were going in a direction that he did not feel comfortable with. Let her know that there was a real connection between them. He is “shy” and does not feel comfortable asking someone out unless he has spent more time with them in social situations with friends. That is they way he is.

I have heard/seen that some guys feel that if a woman asks them out..she must be desperate….so they become not interested. Then you have the other guys who are upset that more women don’t ask guys out…its kind of a catch 22.

Where is this all going…I really want to go see a “scary” movie and want to ask someone to go with me…should I take that chance or just wait till it comes out on video and save if for when I do have someone to watch it with?

I know that there really is no “right” answer…but opinions are greatly appreciated.

Welcome 2007

2007-01-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

2007 survey...
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Nope – I am very happy where I am at.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I am always open to new friendships and a personal relationship would be nice.

3. New house?
Not this year

4. What will you do different in 07?
I don’t think I will do anything different – just keep working to be better, do more and see more.

5. New Years resolution?
Keep working on being happy with myself. DATE

6. What will you not be doing in 07?
getting divorced or married

7. Any trips planned?
hopefully to Arizona this summer to visit family and friends

8. Wedding plans?
NO

9. Major thing on your calendar?
Same ol

10. What cant you wait for?
Arizona

11. What would you like to see happen different?
I would like my family and friends to have a better year overall.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I am going to keep working and making myself happy

13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen?
nothing that I know of..

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I will try to be nicer to them all its part of working on being a better person– I always try to do that.

15. Will you dress differently this year then you did in 06?
Who knows

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I don’t drink much now and it probably wont change much

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
I have a wonderful relationship with my family and would not change it.

18. Will you do charity work?
I try when I can.

19. Will you go to bars?
I do sometimes

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I try to be nice to everyone

21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
Sure no reason that I know of for it not to be a good one.

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I think I am happier and more confident

23. Do you plan on having a child?
No

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Sure I love my friends and I am lucky to have them.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Just continue to work on eating better and doing more in the way of exercise.

26. Will you be moving?
No

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06?
not believing in myself and realize I deserve better

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I was at my brothers party

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
not this year

30. One wish for 07?
to be happy

My Wish for YOU

2006-12-30T23:39:00.000-08:00

picture from: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_53/114500817710vvNI.jpg

Hi All,

I wanted to post this wish to you all.....HAPPY NEW YEAR. May ALL of Your Dreams Come True in 2007.

I wont be able to visit each of you individually so here is my wish to you. My brother and I are having a little party for new years...well its my brothers party I am just going to be here. Steve is going to spend the night with my parents. This is the first time he has ever spent the whole night away from me other than being with his father. I guess it is time.

This is the first new years in many years that I can remember doing something other than celebrating East Coast style and going to bed.

The last one where I went out and danced with someone special was Happy New Year 96 -I will remember it fondly for the rest of my life. I did not kiss anyone that night but I danced with a very special person, he will forever be in my heart.

To you all I wish you a Wonderful New Year. Please have fun and BE SAFE.

Just wondering

2006-12-29T12:41:00.001-08:00

I am curious about something...

How did you meet you significant other?

I would really like to hear your story.

Thanks in advance for sharing

It was searched..

2006-12-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

Someone actually searched the following phrase and came up with my blog???

what to do when a divorced man chooses his kids over a new love

I have one answer for this person and one answer only - GET OVER IT.

A Real Man

2006-12-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

I would love to meet this man....does he really exist????

Author Unknown:

A REAL MAN....

1.) THIS MAN respects his mother and places God and his family first. He understands that true existence is measured by how much the people around you love and respect who you are

2.) THIS MAN does his best to be a roll model to kids, even if they are not his own, and NEVER to win the favor of a lady!

3.) THIS MAN supports his woman's desire to develop herself, and assists her whenever possible, asking only the same in return!

4.) THIS MAN doesn't expect anyone to walk in his shoes; he lets his actions dictate to others what makes him A REAL MAN.

5.) THIS MAN doesn't Break Promises....EVER!

6.) THIS MAN calls you beautiful everyday because of WHO you ARE!

8.) THIS MAN CALLS U on a daily basis - NO MATTER HOW BUSY OR TIRED HE IS.....PERIOD!

9.) THIS MAN looks past your past, and asks only the same....I think they call it RESPECT!!

10.) THIS MAN wants to spend as much time as he can with you & won't get sick of you, because he understands that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and nothing replaces the "daily moments" that give meaning to life!!

11.) THIS MAN comes over just to watch movies with you....and just so he can smell you on his clothes during the drive home.

12.) THIS MAN kisses you on the forehead just because.

13.) THIS MAN doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He tells you what's real, and asks only the same in return.

14.) THIS MAN should be treated like one.

15.) THIS MAN doesn't ask questions when you say you need something...rather does his best to see you get it.

16.) THIS MAN lets others know How He Feels About his Girl....more importantly; he lets his "girl" know....constantly.

17.) THIS MAN doesn't play games, nor take kindly to being played!!!!!!!!!!!

18.) THIS MAN doesn't leave his girl to go and hang out with his friends if he hasn't seen her in a week and then call her at 4 in the morning because he needs some loving. <-----ok, that's just wrong!!

19.) THIS MAN doesn't deny you; he listens to your opinion, and works with you to find the right path.

20.) THIS MAN doesn't look for a way out when things get rough.

21.) THIS MAN Doesn't Judge the book by the cover, but he must be intrigued by the "story".

22.) THIS MAN wouldn't use his friendship card to get what he wants.

23.) THIS MAN knows the difference between a REAL WOMAN and a random girl.

24.) THIS MAN won’t degrade a woman with words nor will he ever put his hands on her in anger. AMEN!

25.) THIS MAN Sends you flowers Just Because it's Tuesday, or because a song came on the radio that made him think of you.

26) THIS MAN strokes your hair when you cuddle because it comforts HIM to know YOU'RE there!!

27) THIS MAN holds the line, and will not tolerate certain "vices" in life.....rather will offer to work WITH you to get through them....unless YOU decide that they are more important than your relationship....

28) THIS MAN will make you soup when you are sick.

29) THIS MAN is NOT for sale, and will not sacrifice his life for the "almighty dollar" because he knows that true "riches" in life are sitting in a rocking chair when your old, holding your wife's hand and remembering the wealth of priceless moments you shared, not catching up on what you missed because you were at work 90% of the time!

30) THIS MAN wants to grow WITH you!

31) THIS MAN wants to hold you Christmas morning, because YOU are the greatest gift in his life!

32) THIS MAN wants to look foolish, simply because it makes you smile!

33) THIS MAN will fight FOR you, not OVER you!

34) THIS MAN asks you to forgive him if he does something to make you upset.

35) THIS MAN holds open your door for the rest of your life because you are a Lady, more importantly, because you are His Lady!

36) THIS MAN chooses to discuss NOT argue...do each other the courtesy of acting like adults with your differences.....common ground is ALWAYS within reach!!

37) THIS MAN will do whatever it takes to remind you of the sound of your own heartbeat ;)

38) THIS MAN seeks honesty, and gives the same in return.

39) THIS MAN wants only you to see his vulnerable side.

40) THIS MAN seeks the rest of his life, knows it takes hard work, trust, respect, and communication to cultivate a lifelong love, and is more than willing to embark on that journey.

Is it real or made up?

2006-12-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

This is a real word...but if I saw someone use it I would have thought they made it up. Have you ever seen this word used?

From Dictionary.com

flibbertigibbet \FLIB-ur-tee-jib-it\, noun:
A silly, flighty, or scatterbrained person, especially a pert young woman with such qualities.

We discover here not the flibbertigibbet Connolly describes but a serious reader (Goethe, Tolstoy, Proust) who found her cultural ideal in 18th-century France.
-- Martin Stannard, "Enter Shrieking", New York Times, November 28, 1993

He argues persuasively that Millay's reputation has been harmed not only by academics who dread and fear her heartfelt "simplicity," but by the very admirers who wished to promote her as a kind of whimsical flibbertigibbet, a poetical Anne of Green Gables.
-- Liz Rosenberg, "So Young, So Good, So Popular", New York Times, March 15, 1992

Vacation...

2006-12-20T05:20:00.000-08:00

Well I am officially on vacation for the rest of 2006. But I am working. Why you ask...well because as I was getting ready to leave last night someone found a problem...and it could be a big deal. Hopefully it wont take long to figure out because I have a date with Steve today. Owell

Other than that things are pretty good. This time of year is always very busy professionally and personally. The power outages just caused that to be ever more hectic. Steve spent the last two days with me at work. Schools were closed because of power outages. And because we were staying someplace else grandma was not close by. We were staying with someone else in the beginning because of the power outages but we had planned to stay with them anyway later.

Its been two years since I left my ex, came home and spent my first Christmas at home with my family. This year my cousin is going through a separation and at this point it looks like its an inevtiable divorce. This professional man decided that drugs were more important that his family of 15+ years. Steve and I are staying with her and her daughter to be a distraction, support and whatever else they need. I remember having to take care of all the crap that you have to do and I remember feeling so alone. I was in another state on my own at least now I can be here for them.

My ex let me know that he is getting another divorce and plans to look into moving up here in a few months. Hes more likely to get married than to move up here. He says Steve needs him and he needs Steve. That may be true but he only feels that way right now because he is in the middle of breaking up his marriage. He will find a replacement for his wife and life will be good again.

Anyway...I hope you are all enjoying your Holiday Season. Merry Christmas!!

Tis the Season

2006-12-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

To feel sentimental and so much more. Some good and some not so good. Some wonderful and some sad.

Last week I saw a little concert by some elementary students. They did not do the traditional Christmas songs for obvious reasons, which was fine.
They were amazing, heartfelt and inspirational. It was amazing to watch and hear such little people give such powerful message. It brought tears to those that enjoyed the show...me included.

The general message is that we are all human beings. No matter what color, no matter what religion, no matter lifestyle we are all the same inside. Celebrate whatever you celebrate, cherish what you cherish, worship what you worship and respect others when they do the same.

I wish for peace on earth and good will toward people. All of us.

Went to Snow Flake Lane in Bellevue last week with Steve. We danced on the sidewalk with many others. It was fun and beautiful. Something to see.

Another night Steve and I went to the Botanical Gardens in Bellevue...That was a nice walk too....

Its kinda funny....

2006-12-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

It is really kinda funny that "first date" #1 emailed me and the very next day "first date" #2 emailed me. Must be something in the air.

I did respond to both of them. Number 1 also invited me to be his friend on Myspace....Number 2 did that a long time ago. Number 2 said in his email something like this

"its been a long time since I have heard from you Kylee, I don't know what happend."

Gee maybe it was because after we went to lunch, I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship and he wigged out that I did not call, email every day.

Anyway...I just gotta laugh...it must be the season.

on a side note:
The box is gone and I never did make the call...maybe someone else did...

What gives...

2006-12-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

So I got an email message today from one of my "first" dates during the summer. The message was from the one that I was kinda interested in but felt that he had no interest at all. I have heard from him a couple of times since then but not much and not for a couple of months. So I get this email...basically its like this

"Hey I just got back from a job out of town. Man I work to much. How are you Kylee? I hope all is well."

I mean do guys really just wait months to contact someone back...is that normal or is he just desperate and bored?

The nerve of some people....

2006-11-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

Picture from antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov

Why do some people feel like the Earth is their dumping ground? I don't understand the thought process that these people go through to feel that it is ok the dump their trash all over the place.

Our house is one of the corner houses on a dead end street. The cross street is a pretty busy place. We are constantly getting other peoples trash blowing into our yard. You would think we were just pigs or something. That is annoying enough.....but it gets worse.....

Behind our house/backyard is an empty lot full of some trees and bushes. On the other side of that lot is another house that faces the busy street. The other day I was taking on the phone looking out my second story window and watched this woman take a cardboard box over to her property line and throw it into the empty lot next to a bush. It was as if her husband was telling her to do it because she walked over and almost threw it and then ran back to the house and then walked back over and tossed it over. I mean really why does anyone thing that is ok.

At first I could not believe my eyes the street in front of their house was busy as usual and it did not even phase her. Then I though I will just walk over there pick up the box, drop at their front door, tell her that I saw here accidentally drop her box and that I had wanted to help her retrieve it. But then that would mean I would have to face this person I know nothing about and who knows what kind of people they are right? I know kinda chicken...but hey I was massed in my own home by an intruder/friend what can I say. I have seen them dump their yard waste over there as well.....but at least that takes care of itself in time. Then I thought I should call someone...but who do you call....its not an emergency but it is a crime. This was Sunday evening so.......after I was done with my phone call things got busy and I kinda forgot about it.....

Then we had the snow...and no school/work...more distractions...but today on my way to take Steve to my parents house...I saw the box...sitting there in the empty lot by the bush...it really bugged me again. So....I looked up online how to report littering people....I found a web site that I could report this type of offence....but then it said if you have seen someone littering don't fill out the form call the number.....That's where I have left it so far. I have not made that call. I need to and I will...but what would you do?

If we all just dump our trash where ever we please we might as well crawl in a trash bin and live there. It just sickens me that this person cant take the cardboard to the recycle bin or have the trash company pick it up...whats the deal? what are these people thinking??

Snowed in...

2006-11-28T14:08:00.000-08:00

Not really. Kinda. The beautiful Pacific Northwest has had a November to remember. The most rain seen during any November on record and snow....lots of snow in some places. In 1993 we got snow, a lot of snow. I worked near downtown Seattle and took the bus to work everyday. It took me 5 hours to get home on the bus when it usually took me about an hour. Cars where left on the side of the freeway because they could not get through the snow. The next day things were much better. Today was like that...maybe worse since there was a Seahawks game last night. Some people did not get home last night because of the snow.

The area I live in really did not get a lot of snow. But the streets were covered and it was really, really cold. All the schools were closed. My first idea was to take Steve to my moms and go into work late....I was prepared to do it.....but I was told it was ok to stay home, stay safe off the road...I took that option. Now as I look out my window and see the road I feel silly for staying home...maybe I should feel silly for feeling silly.

I talked to my cousin who lives in an area that got more than 15 inches of snow and has been out of power for 2 days...now that is dealing with the weather.

Thankful

2006-11-23T00:06:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my life
I am thankful for my son
I am thankful for my family
I am thankful for my friends
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for my job
I am thankful for it all.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday - if you don't celebrate this particular holiday....I hope you still have a wonderful day!!

Unofficially

2006-11-19T16:27:00.000-08:00

It has been decided that Steve will not be seeing his daddy this Christmas vacation. I am sad for him. He will be disappointed. He does not know yet. So thats way it is unofficial. Nothing would surprise me...a change of plans...who knows. His dad said that he would tell him....but he hasn't yet.

We will be fine. At least we wont be spending a bunch of our vacation time on a plane. We will keep busy and have a good time. I just need to get the He@@ over the guilt I feel for him being hurt. I will it will be ok.

Have a great week!!

Walking...no rain

2006-11-16T19:09:00.000-08:00

I really love the fall. These cell phone pictures are not the best...but they are still nice.

Today I went for a walk with my dear friend Kelly. We were lucky enough to have the Seattle rain stop long enough to enjoy the fall. We have had more rain this November than any other November on record. I hope you are all having a great week.

Values....

2006-11-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

What defines you?
I am just curious how others deal with this question. My counselor asked me today what my values are..I have been asking that myself for some time now....what do I hold dear, what inspires me, what do I enjoy, what am I passionate about?

All very good questions...all something that we should be able to answer.

My answers are easy...but they are a short list...but I need to explore what else might be out there..something that I may have forgotten, something that may be missing.

Steve,
My family,
My friends,
My work,
My home,
My health,
Peace........those are easy..but there should be more. I think that is part of my problem....part of me is missing, lost in a way.

What are you passionate about, what do you hold dear? What answers outside of the obvious listed do you feel?

Thanks for sharing.

Drama is the way...

2006-11-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

Some people are addicted to drama....sometimes I think I am one of those people. I guess in a way you could say that life in general is a drama. Some people live for high drama. The drama that some people live with is on a very high level and constant. If they don't have any drama in their life they create it. I am pretty happy with the quiet life that Steve and I have right now. We just finished with soccer and now we have started in on a new cub scout den. Other than that life is quiet.

The new drama in my life that I am really trying to just let play out quietly and smoothly is something that will never go away...Christmas is coming so here comes the next "daddy visit" or not. I am not sure what is going to happen yet.

This is one drama that I could go without. Steve is missing his daddy. He asked his daddy today on the phone if he was going to visit during Christmas and daddy said "I sure hope so"

What does that response say to a 6 year old? To me that means that he doesn't know if he is going to have enough money to fly Steve and I down for the visit. But to Steve....I wonder what he really thinks? He seemed better today after asking his dad...he has been pretty upset that last couple of days. He told me that he did not think he was going to get to see his daddy this Christmas. I don't know why he feels that way...he had not asked before today. Still he did not get an answer.

I sent an email asking the same question.....I said he would not have to fly me back during the short visit...I would stay in town and visit friends. No answer as of yet. I wish I could tell the man to get some balls and live up to his responsibility and pay for the visit, or pay for support and I would pay for 1/2 of the visit.....but live up to some responsibility for his son.

Anyway.....although sometimes I feel I might like a little drama....this is one I can live without.

Take care all. Love your kids they deserve it!!

Lets play a game....

2006-11-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

My parents like to go out and gamble. They like to go to a casino and play the slots or play cards. They do this a couple times a week on average. I don't really see it as a problem...they have worked hard and continue to do so....so this is what they do to have fun.

They are kind of funny about it when we, their kids, ask them how their night was...
"oh we had a good time"
"oh it was ok"
"oh we should have just stayed home."

They never just say how they did...not that it matters...I have figured out what they mean...

when they say "oh we had a good time" they mean..they won some money. Of course their level of enthusiasm lets on what level of winning they have done.

when they say "oh it was ok" it means that they may have won a little, broke even or at least lost very little while playing all night.

when they say "oh we should have just stayed home" it means they lost and the machines or cards did not even play with them....

They are funny because they will tell our cousins that they won and even how much they won....but not us kids. Its fine, I could care less its not like any of us have every asked them for money...but for some reason they don't tell us anything. Maybe they are afraid we will worry or something..who knows.

Anyway I hope you all have a great week!!

Not so interesting

2006-11-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

They say it rains all the time in Seattle....

Yesterday we got just as much rain in 5 minutes as we did for the entire month of August.

I wonder if it rains all the time in Seattle, why does everyone forget how to drive in it????

The rain the last few days has not been like the normal misty type rain that Seattle is known for......the rain lately has been resembling the kind of rain I would see in Arizona or Texas....I guess that might be why there are problems with flooding and to be fair why some people have problems driving in it....

Have a great week and an even better weekend.

Halloween..

2006-10-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking about Halloween as today is the day of sending our children out on the street to do everything that we normally tell them not to do....

Oh I know most of us take our kids around to do their trick-or-treating, but what are we telling them...

"Ok just for today its ok to go to a strange house and knock on the door"

But lets not stop there.

"It is also ok to do what I tell you everyday NOT to do...its Ok to talk to strangers"

Then to top it all off we go one step further...

"Go ahead and ask that complete stranger that you just knocked on their door and talked to for some candy"

I know, I know its a tradition....you go door to door and get treats from the neighbors.

There was a time when everyone on the block knew each other so you would see kids that you saw everyday and those kids would not go to "scary ol' Mr Jones'" house on the hill because that was the only neighbor that no one really knew because he kept to himself.

But all that has changed now. Now there are times that we never get to know your next door neighbor, let alone the whole block. How about years ago when my cousins neighbor ended up killing his wife after we had spent years trick-or-treating at their house. Or about the neighborhood friend I had that still lives up the street who broke into my house and sprayed me with pepper spray.

Really....

Wash your hands

2006-10-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

Is it really that hard of concept to think that you can take a minute..even 30 seconds to wash your hands after using the rest room.

EVERYDAY.....really EVERYDAY when I go to the restroom at work there is another woman that seems to use the restroom at the same time as me and she leaves her stall before I finish and guess what...SHE DOES NOT wash her hands.

REALLY whats up with that.....

TAKE SOME TIME..

YUCK....YUCK....YUCK...

The new one..

2006-10-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

Office politics are so funny...I really don't like to be part of it all but sometimes you just can't help it.

I have my new office. I have been in there for almost 2 months now. IT IS WONDERFUL. I love it. Not that I really had anything to complain about before. There is just a feeling of belonging now that I didn't even realize was missing before. Now I really feel like I belong and have settled in a really great job.

My office is slightly larger than that others in the vicinity. That fact was an issue as the office was being built. Now its built and everything calmed down...now the issue is heating....My office is warmer than any of the others on the floor. Actually is suits me perfectly....others are cold. Something is actually broken but they are not sure what yet. Everyday I have someone come in and go on and on about how warm my office is...Its either too warm for them or its just too cold outside of my office.

Owell I guess I have to get used to the fact that me and my office are a topic of conversation and controversy...Owell I am happy 8)

This is where it all happens

2006-10-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ok Alan here goes... Here is my blogging station....kind of....I generally do that on my laptop also shown below...

Not sure what happens. I am not as "artistic" as I would like to be...but then thats ok. I am me and me is a pretty darn good person to be 8)

And Yes I let Steve do the decorating.
I hope you all have a wonderful week and weekend

SCHOOL ZONE

2006-10-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

So what about these words do people not understand?

When I see a speed limit sign that says school zone.... and the posted limit when kids are around is 20 miles per hour...I get it, it makes sense to me...go slow..watch for kids and other people walking.

...Some say well gee..hmmmm I wonder what that means.
...Some people seem to think it means:
...Oh this person is going way to slow..I will just hope the people waiting to turn into the school will move as I swing around this person and continue on my normal 4o mph..who cares that I just got a ticket for speeding...
...Oh I am late for work who cares if there are kids everywhere I will still drive my normal 40 mph....
the good one is when they do a U turn right in the schools driveway, oh that crossing gard and those kids at the corner will get out of the way as I jump the curb to finish my turn...

I mean really this is just crazy. I don't get why everyone has to be in such a hurry all the time. Your late..get over it...its not worth risking someone's life over. Life will go on.....late or not.....

One time...

2006-10-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

*** I am not advocating any of the behavior stated below...just sharing some stories
***Also nothing really interesting here...

We went on a family vacation. My sister was 4 and I was 7...we went to the ocean.

One day we were on the beach and my sister was playing in the water in her little red bikini...she runs out and up to my mom and says "mom I have to go pee pee"...

mom says "its ok just go in the water"

my sister "ok "

she runs back to the water...drops her bikini bottoms, squats and pees right there...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fast forward several years...to a few of years ago while we were up visiting from Arizona

We were camping and at our property we have an outhouse in the middle of the woods.......
My cousins son who is the same age as Steve had to go #2.....

He stands outside the outhouse door...strips down to his birthday suit and yells

"MOM I have to go POOP"

You think you have friends....

2006-10-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

About a month before I turned 22 I was the victim of a crime. I guess one would call it semi violent.....here goes...

I was living in a house with a roommate, her young daughter, and then we had another guy roommate. The house we lived in had 3 normal bedrooms and then the garage that had been turned into a 4th bedroom.

On this particular night, my roommate was out, her daughter was at her dads, and the guy roommate was recovering from a broken jaw in his garage bedroom.

I had been out at a bar. I came home around 2am after the bar closed. I made myself something to eat and then I went to bed at about 2:30.

There were at least 2 cars in the driveway. I left the porch light on for my roommate and I even left a lamp on in the living room.

At about 3 am I woke up, hearing something...but you know when you hear something and your not sure what it was...so you sit up and listen....the next thing I know my bedroom door gets kicked in and I get a spray in my face.....it was pepper spray.....

I sat there screaming....face burning....I tried to dial 911 but I could not get the right buttons.

I could not see. I ran out of my room...not know what I would run into....thankfully no one was there. I ran into my roommates garage room....I ran back into my and finally got 911....

The police and medics came. The blew out our house with high powered fans....and washed my face with the garden hose. I was told that I should go to emergency and get my eyes checked. They left.

The police said it was random....but I never did buy that line of bull. Who breaks down a front door just to mace someone.

I have never felt really safe in my own home ever since.......It is much better than it was....but there is always something there.

Years later I heard rumors about who and why it happened. This guy Jack 'paid' this other guy John to do it because when I was 17 I slapped him........I had reasons that were not great....but they were reasons. I had known Jack and I guess I humiliated him and he held a grudge for 4 years. John was someone I had known for 14 years....someone that I had had a crush on when we were in junior high, had gone out with my best friend in high school....someone that at times was like a brother.....

Drugs do nasty things to people......Stay away from them...stay far, far away.

Hi...

2006-10-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ok Hormones are for the birds...the birds and the bees I guess. Whatever but I really don't like their complexity or what they have done to me.

The GOOD news is that I have felt pretty darn GOOD that last couple of weeks. I keep kind of waiting for the next shoe to drop and for me to wake up not liking myself again. So far so good.

I wish it could be something you could turn on when you need it...you know like when you are going to have a baby the hormones play some sort of roll there but then you go through years and years of dealing with their decision to reek havoc on your life and there are no more babies destined to come from you. They are just there acting as if you still NEED them...but you don't. Personally I can do without them. I know I needed them when I was having Steve and all that is good and great..but now I really just want them to go away and leave me alone. Really is that too much to ask. Yeah, I know...of course it is too much to ask.

Anyway....I am by definition not old enough to be going through menopause but then again there are no rules written to say what the real age is.....it just happens when it happens. I am not saying that is what is happening here, who knows what is really happening or why...I have seen a naturopath doctor and am currently working on what she has suggested. She says that its just my body finally adjusting to the stress of my marriage and the stress of the split and restarting my life. This last year things have finally settled down....and now my body is falling apart...almost literally....ok no really.

Anyway I hope you are all doing well...I am doing better!!!

Its me..I am here..kinda anyway

2006-09-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

*beware this is just a ramble...not to be confused with something of interest.

Hi all...Just stopping by. I have been gone again for sometime and not spending much time online. One could say that I have just not been myself. Not feeling quite right, not really being "sick" but not really being ME either. I wish I could pinpoint the issue and fix it because I can say that there are times I don't even like being with myself.

I could say I am "depressed" but no that's just not it.....and my counselor agrees. The way I feel, the way I think, the way I deal at times is not normal and I know it and I don't like it. I apologize to those I am around about me not being me and for the most part they say I am fine....I think they are being kind because I feel that I am not right. I know it sounds kind of silly but well that's the only way I know how to explain it. Being female is a difficult thing.....and I think that is where my issues are coming from....but then I am not a doctor either so who knows.

Lately I am usually fast asleep by now...because its all I can do to get through the day because I am so drained of energy. Not to say my life is anything but busy and active....I am VERY busy at work, working through some projects and I am getting things done. I moved into my new office and have spent a lot of time in there working.....It seems my friend and I can't even get out for walks very often anymore. We are both very busy.

Steve started the first grade.....Gosh I am probably just an over proud mom..but he is so smart. He has had some spelling lists and even before we study the list he knows the words. Now mind you there simple words but still I don't remember having spelling tests in the first grade or doing addition and subtraction the first week. But that was a long time ago.

Oh yeah and I am a year older.....my ex lost his job again..I guess that was the reason for the move. Well I really don't know why the move happened, maybe the lost job came because of the need to move. Who knows, who really cares.

Steve is playing soccer and loving it. Last year he was dancing around the field day dreaming watching the birds etc...this year he is really into it. He scored a goal last Saturday and another one during practice this week. He is having a great time.

Every day I struggle to be a better person....everyday I struggle to get the things done that I need to get done. I just don't feel right, I feel tired, sometimes I feel sick, I have no time to waste.....and things tend to bug me more..owell this too shall pass. At least I am aware that I am not very fun to be around and hopefully I am doing what I normally do...judge myself harder than others do.

I hope you are all well. Maybe someday I will get back to normal ....hopefully.

Lake Pend Oreille

2006-08-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

*pictures are small because my dial up connection is SOOOOOO slow I can't stand it

Last week was our long planned vacation to Idaho's wondrous Lake Pend Orielle. It was beautiful!! We stayed at a house rented through Sandpoint Idaho vacation rentals. It was a beautiful 4 bedroom house that overlooked the lake. We had thought it was lake front but it was actually "lake walk down the steep driveway, cross the dirt road and walk down the next steep driveway"...But still wonderful. We had our own private dock where we kept my cousins boat during the night. We didn't spend much time down at that dock because I don't think the neighbors liked us too much he told my sister and I "You need to tell your boyfriends they should keep it down till they are out a bit......"I guess he did not like it when my cousin took my brother for a ski from the dock. It wasn't like anyone was in the water and we did not know that there was a 200 foot no wake zone in the water. I felt like a teenager getting into trouble. It was kind of funny and I joked about it all night. ( I wanted to knock on his door and tell him I could not tell my boyfriend since I did not have one but once I got one I would be sure to let him know)

Steve had a wondrous time with everyone. He loved it all. He went inner tubing with my cousins daughter and myself. He also went kayaking with my brother and another cousins son.

There were 16 of us total that was staying there. When you get that many people in one house you realize that: some people are just never satisfied with all that they have, some people are ALWAYS on vacation; and that some people who dont work, don't clean the house, don't watch their own kids...still have WAY to much to do..just ask them.

We also when to Silverwood theme park. This park has rides and a water park. Its pretty good if you like that sort of thing. Rides don't do much for me and the lines leave a little be desired. I would recommend not going on a weekend because the lines during the week are bad enough. We spent about 11 hours there that day. The food was pretty reasonably priced and you got plenty of it.

Lake Pend Oreille is huge, clean and cold. But it is also a blast!! There are not houses all around it, its not crowed with every inch of people living around the lake. The most amazing thing......I actually got a tan and WOW that is some task. But actually if I look real close its just all my freckles all mashed together....or maybe its just dirt...ok just kidding I do shower everyday 8)

Anyway I hope all is well.

August??!!??

2006-08-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

Hi all.....I am doing just fine. Steve is great. We have been very very busy....between work and play it seems that time just goes and goes. We just returned from our week long vacation and hopefully I will post about that tonight along with some beautiful pictures of the area we visited.

Life really just keeps testing us and we have to keep moving forward. Its not going to end because "things" happen its just going to continue and the way it continues depends on how we handle these "things"; thats the tough part. So far my "things" keep forcing me to deal with the mistakes I made while being married....it really stinks because I have to have extra dealings with Steve's dad....in the end I have to remember that it all makes me stronger...I keep learning and keeping being taught. Its all part of life's lessons.

I hope everyone is great and I will try to visit soon.

Wow...

2006-07-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Its been one week since I spent 18 hours in and out of airports to pick up my little angel baby. I can say that it has been a FAST where did it go week....

He is home and WE ARE BOTH VERY VERY happy about that.

2 weeks was long enough and he is happy to be home. What can I say....all works out as it is supposed to. I just need to stop fretting about it all and just go with it. Being home is the best thing for him. He has come home and expressed a new world of understanding about his father and where he stands in his life....and he is ok. He is really ok. He has needed me and my undivided attention this last week and I am more than happy to make sure he has been getting it.

I was afraid he would be disappointed and crushed by having to come home early, by not getting to do all the things that all his father had promised, by not getting to be with daddy...and I was going to have to pick up the pieces. But that is not what happened.....he is happy to be home and he knows I love him and he knows that he is important above all else to me.....he knows that and he needs that.

He has said things in this last week that really shows his deep understanding of how his daddy's life has different priorities then having him in it....much more understanding than a kid of 6 should have to have...but he is ok and he will be ok. Maybe it is better that he be faced with it now instead of when he is older....maybe it will be better for him later......but I am sure he will get his hopes up again...and they will be disappointed again.....and we will cross that bridge when we come to it.....right now I am thankful for having him home and having him feel safe and having him feel loved. He deserves that....

Needless to say...I have neglected my blog land friends again....I will visit again soon. Please take care all of you. Have a GREAT, SAVE and Loving weekend!!

Back to normal...

2006-07-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

Well I had big plans for this summer vacation.....Steve was visiting his dad, which is never easy for me because I am lost without him. But this summer unlike last summer I was ready to explore a "single" life, get some home things done and just be a little carefree. Not really knowing what that meant but it was just going to be really about me and what I wanted to do.....

Instead I had two very short weeks and tomorrow I go back to California to get Steve and bring him home. He is coming home early by his dads choice. I am excited to have him home as he is my life.......but I was looking forward to the free time.

I have been out and about a little....and I have gotten some things done at home....never enough though. But owell, thats ok, it all never really goes away. I am more comfortable being Steve's mom than anything else in the world so it is all as it should be.

To all of you who have kids remember you made the choices that brought them into this world....take care of them. They deserve to be taken care of and loved unconditionally. They are the inocent ones...we corrupt them.

For those of you too young to have kids..and you know who you are...remember to live your life and have fun, be carefree BEFORE having your kids. You can still have a WORLD of fun and excitement when the kids come...its just different and they deserve your full commitment to them. For me that commitment is complete and without question....for others they question it everyday. As parents we all deserve a personal life but not at the cost of our kids...and some parents forget that or ignore that or think it doesn't matter. But it does.

Is it just me?

2006-07-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

I am wondering what some other opinions are about this....so far everyone I have talked to agrees with me... but then I have not talked to the direct party as of yet...only in an email response.

I have a large extended family and we are all very close. Next month we are all going to Idaho and renting a "house" on a lake for a week long vacation. We are all going in on it and sharing in the cost. I guess you could say that there are 6 families going.

The families are defined as...
1. Myself and Steve
2. Rachel (my sister)
3. Trevor (my brother)
4. The Smiths (family of 3 including 2 adults and 1 school age child)
5. The Johnsons (family of 5 including two adults, 2 school age kids, 1 baby)
6. The Petersons (family of 4 including two adults, 2 teenages)

I got the email today letting us know what the costs were and notifying us that the money needs to be paid by the first of the month.

From: Mrs Johnson
I need to collect $460 each from the Smiths, Petersons and Kylee. Kylee I think we told Rachel and Trevor that they were to pay $100 each. I need to pay the balance by the 1st.

MMMMM does that seem extreme to anyone else? I was moody at the time of the email and said ok but that I will have to skip the next family vacation. Myself and Steve can not afford to pay equal amounts to the other families. I have full time daycare costs and receive no support. I was very moody...but I think the fair way to do this is to either pay equally per adult or pay equally per head not counting the baby. But maybe I am not thinking about this realistically.

I already talked to Rachel and we agreed that if Trevor agrees we will combine our total amount and split it 4 ways. I think that is fair for us anyway. I really kind of don't like to stick up for myself and I don't think I did it correctly here...but I said something instead of just taking what I thought was not really fair.

What do you think? How would you handle it?

Thanks

NEENER - NEENER

2006-07-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

My office is bigger than your office.....

I mean really WHO CARES.

I have been working for the same place for 16 months now. I have an office in a different building than the one I usually work in. I have probably spent a maximum of 5 days in that office since I have started. Instead I share my friend Kelly's office or for a short amount of time I shared another office with someone else. I don't complain. I don't really care except for feeling like I am taking up their space with my crap. Well my boss and others decided that I should be housed at this building since my "customers" are mostly located in this building. The problem was deciding where to put me. They decided to build me an office within one of the floors. It has been a "nightmare" ever since.

Office politics are ridiculous and are even worse when they deal with work space. But the person who could care less about the space I work in gets the BIGGEST office and it is causing BIG issues. I can not believe how much people care and create havoc about an office that is 2 feet bigger than the other offices. I just need a computer or 3 and I am happy. Give me a milk carton to sit on and I am good. Why all the dilemma? It is crazy and stupid if you ask me. It almost makes me want to go back to the other building BUT that would mean I was not truly serving my purpose at work and then WHAT'S the POINT.

Ok I am done. But for the record my office being bigger than anyone else's means nothing more than it is the last office built on the floor and I am the only one that is not already settled. NOTHING ELSE, its not a corporate status symbol.

...mmmmm...

2006-07-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to title this. Hodge podge I guess.

Each day I learn a little more about life, and then I usually forget what I learned or go back to old habits. The worst part of my bad habits is my self detriment. I have always looked at myself at not being good enough for anything really. I blame that outlook for the bad things in my life and I credit the good things in my life to my loving family and outstanding friends.

I KNOW that I need to create my own destiny of happiness and I have known that for a long time. I just seem to forget and try to find other things to create that for me. Usually the things I look for to create that are "relationships". Of course this is a huge mistake and again comes from looking outside myself to provide my self love and self justification.

This weekend I spent it just living some of my life and looking within to "remember" what I need to do. The first thing I need to do is "love" myself and remember that I am good enough and I am a GREAT WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL person. I am all those things each and everyday. I just don't tell myself that enough. I am like a bad influence on myself and tell myself all the bad things that I am/do not talking about the positives.

That is going to change. I am going to work HARDER on remembering that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve comes home on Friday. I will spend another 20 hours in and out of airports on Friday and bring my little angel baby home. I have talked to him each evening. Today he was making me a picture. Just for me. I am looking forward to bringing him home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent yesterday with my cousin J's girlfriend and now 5 month old baby. It was amazing and very special. She contacted me last weekend and said we should meet for coffee. She wants her baby to know the other part of J's family. J has been avoiding us all for a year and a half now. He is embarrassed and I think it is easier for him to avoid us all then face his irresponsibility. Later I followed her to their home and saw J after he was done working. I hugged him and told me we miss them and we love them. We are always family first. I hope that this is the beginning to him letting us back in. My uncle is a proud grandpa. I know that he is with them each and everyday. I wish J's girlfriend and his baby had gotten a chance to know J's dad....but I know he is proud.

Thanks to everyone for your support. I ramble here and "blow" a gasket at things. Its my outlet and I don't expect people to care or even notice....but you who read this are amazingly wonderful and I appreciate your comments and your support.

Thank you

One for the I CAN'T BELIEVE IT category

2006-07-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

Guess what...Steve is coming home early. Yup......Dad said that he needs to send Steve home early. 3 Weeks early. His dad says that they have to move to another state again at the end of the month. Wow that's pretty fast moving huh....

I am both excited to get Steve back and so MAD. We worked hard to get ready for this trip.....I had plans for ME. I am working on defining WHO I am. The failed date I blame on me and my inability to know WHO I am. All I know how to be anymore is Steve's Mom and an employee. Those are the things I think I do relatively well. Other than that I still don't know HOW to be me. This was my time. I had a game plan. So I feel guilty for feeling cheated.

NOT to EVEN mention STEVE and his feelings. My gosh how much does this poor kid have to deal with. I know kids go through it everyday. Their parents disappoint them and cheat them out of the one thing they deserve...Time and attention. BUT I still don't think its fair that any of them have to go through it. Lets get our priorities straight people. Its all about the kids. Some effort would be appreciated. I COULD just scream.

Anyway dad wanted me to make all the arrangements for the change in flights etc.....I told him that he needs to do it. I will make it work whatever he does...Like I always do.

I love my Steve....I hope that I can be the best person I can be for him.

Guarded

2006-07-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

and disappointed...is the best way I can describe how I feel about dating.....

I went on my first "real" date since my divorce. I wanted to go on this "date". I do use the term lightly because we had only met each other on line before this meeting.

Maybe I am just not ready. I think it went "alright"....sometimes when I think about it....I get the feeling he really just wanted it to be over and to go away....I don't know if I will ever hear from him again...and I would like to.

Me guarded and awkward, Him confident and disappointed...is how I saw us that night...all in all not a good combination.

I don't think my growing but still very low self esteem/confidence can handle the rejection that comes with dating...I mean really how am I ever going to get a second date if I am so guarded and on edge that I just can't be myself.

I will go out with the other guy this week...I think I can handle that..but there may not be much in the way of dates for me in the near future I don't think I have a strong enough hide for it yet......I honestly don't think I was as worried about what he thought or how I was during the evening....but I know I was not as comfortable as I SHOULD be to be me, to be in my own skin. In my image of what the evening was going to bring I was much more outgoing than what happened in reality.

So now I am the one disappointed. And I find myself trying to think of ways to get him to see the real me...because like I said if I get him to spend some time getting to know me...who could help but like me 8) Of course I now know that I can't "make" anyone spend time with me...they either want to or don't....so given my "first" impressions ability..I don't see much in the way of second dates coming my way.

In other news...I have talked to Steve every day. So far everything seems to be going well. I miss him...I feel lost without him....Lonely really...very very lonely.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Well...

2006-06-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

He is with his dad. I am sitting here at airport #4 for the day waiting to go back home. I left my little angel baby with his dad, his "other mom" and his step siblings about 3 hours ago...man its tough. He was very excited to see his dad and well that is as it should be. Hopefully he wont be disappointed.

He will see his sisters tonight as well. They will have 5 kids in that 2 bedroom condo. Well there you go...I hope they have fun. Last summer his split with his wife right after the kids all went home...who knows what will happen this year.

I truly hope they all have a good time. Those kids deserve some fun and happiness with their father.

I will probably not be on much till next week. Its going to be a busy family weekend after my date tomorrow night.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe weekend!!

FireFly...FireFly

2006-06-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

I bought a cell phone for Steve...its a little phone made for kids. I program the numbers that he can call and that can call him.

I know its kinda crazy but its piece of mind for him and I. Now when he goes to his dads he can call me anytime that he wants and not ask to use the phone. Not get the passive aggressive behavioral response to his request.

His counselor thought it was a great idea....I think we are both ready for this trip. I think we will both be OK....if we are then we did things right. The counseling and the phone...all the money is all worth it. His happiness,comfort and safety is all that matters to me.

I hope everyone is having a great week.

btw I have a "date" on Friday...and probably another one next week sometime...all I need to do is say when.

This weekend

2006-06-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great weekend.
Steve and I babysat for my sisters friend yesterday. We were supposed to have both of her kids, an 8 year old and a 1 year old, but it turned out that we only had the 1 year old. My sister, her friend and her friends husband all went to a concert.

After our babysitting stint Steve announced that he would be happy if he never had a baby brother or sister..babies are not his favorite..they cry and they cry loud.

It was fine, no real problems. The poor thing ust did not know us and it took a little while for him to get used to us...after about 30-40 minutes and a short nap he was good to go. They picked him up at about midnight.

Today we went to the zoo with Stephanie and her dad. We spend 8+ hours with them today. We all had a good time. It was nice not to feel self conscious about everything I said or did. It was very comfortable.

We were talking about how kids are so literal and how they don't get sayings or sarcasm...things we take for granted they just don't understand what we are really trying to say.

One time he said to Stephanie..."Hey lets make like a banana and split"

Next thing he knew she came back in a room with a banana split in two..."Here dad, here is your half."

So cute.

I hope everyone has a great week.

dreams...

2006-06-24T04:48:00.000-07:00

So it is early for me on a Saturday morning...but I had a really strange dream that left me feeling less than comfortable.

Dreams deal with what we are feeling..and do it in a weird way....anyway here goes the dream.

I was out with a guy....and this is a guy I know that I probably would never date for several reasons that I wont put here...but that is besides the point. I don't really know that it was a date, but the outing was going well...very well actually. In this critial point there was kissing....In my dream I realized that I was late picking Steve up...from daycare no less....

I can't explain the amount of panic that I felt...heck I still feel it a little and I am awake and the dream was earlier in the night. It was very real. I woke up and looked at the clock realizing we were home and still checked on Steve...soundly asleep in his bed. I did go back to sleep but I am up already this morning and its 5am on Saturday gosh darn it.

Anxiety I guess. We are leaving in a few days for his daddy visit. I remember last year when he left and I had all this "free" time.....every time I did do something I would get a moment of panic like 'oh I gotta go get my kid'...like what am I thinking I can't be here right now.

That has NEVER happened for real. I have never been so into whatever that at some point I looked to see I was late to go get Steve...he is usually always with me and I have never been late to pick him up at daycare.

Two things are happening....he is getting ready to leave and there are two guys out there that I am getting ready to meet. My little mind is staring to panic just a little. My comfort zone is in total dis-array.

It could have been worse

2006-06-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

So the day started out kinda like any other except I was overly tired because of my lack of sleep the night before. I was hearing things...imagining break in noises....one day I will post my mace story....

Anyway we got up and ready to go in time and only slightly rushed. Steve was very excited for the day. Kinder graduation and the zoo what more could a kid ask for....On the way Steve had to raise his hands twice to ward of the carpool police..twice they had their lights on ready to pull me over from the side and the over pass and then backed off once he raised his hands.

On the way I realized I had forgotten my digital camera...gosh darn it anyway. I had some time before the actual graduation and dropping Steve off so I went to the store to get some one timer cameras and then to vacuum out my car. It really needed it.

I still had some time and had to use the ladies room...a perfect excuse to decide I deserved a non-fat Chai Tea from Starbucks...I have not had one in awhile. Once I got my tea it was back to the school.

I still arrived early enough that I had the pick of seats. I generally don't sit in the front of the room for ANYTHING.....But this is a big deal and I wanted to be able to see it all. I sat in front, second seat from the end leaving room for Stephanie's dad.

Long story short....with the help of someone else's balloons that I was trying to remove from my view, trying to take pictures of the kids walking on stage, flagging down Stephanie's dad and brilliantly leaving my Chai in my lap...I ended up with a lap full of tea.....Placed in such a way anyone would guess I that I had not made that stop to the ladies room and could not contain my excitement.

The good thing or the bad thing however you want to think about it, was that I had the tea long enough so that it was not hot...just warm....If it had been hot I may have reacted faster to the spill. So my decision was to either get up right then and there escaping to the rest room to clean up my spill and maybe get it dry....(probably NOT)...or sit there and watch the ceremony that was just barely getting started. I choose the second one.....two reasons I really did not want to miss even one little part of it and I did not want to stand up in front of the watching crowd to show what looked like I had peed myself.

I had to make jokes after it was all done because some of the kids were looking at me all wide eyed....I explained I had dumped my coffee and wasn't it funny because it looked like I had an accident. It made for a good laugh....

Stephanie and her dad could not make it to the zoo....He had another appointment. Of course I was not thinking or I would have suggested that Stephanie could still go with us if he was comfortable with that...but I was too self involved with my wet jeans.

He did say that they would like to go sometime so I told him that we could go this weekend if they wanted...just to give us a call. He asked for our number and since I did not have my phone he called it so we would have their number too. We do...I will never use it....at least not as a first call only to call back....

Steve and I went to the zoo after making a detour back home for a change, basically had fun....both very tired. Sleepy time now.

GRADUATION

2006-06-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yep I have a child prodigy on my hands. Tomorrow is GRADUATION day.

Ok so yeah it is Kindergarten graduation but still 8)

30 years after I had my graduation he is going to graduate too..

THE big K.

He can read, write and even do some basic arithmetic...crazy. It seems like yesterday I was excited because he was taking his first steps.

After the big graduation we will be going to the zoo to celebrate!!

I hope everyone has a GREAT WEEK!!!!

Sometimes the people I love just PISS ME OFF

2006-06-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

WARNING>>>>>> This is one of my less than famous rants...so feel free to click on by

Right now it is my sister.....

My situation is one where I am a single mom and I DO NOT expect anything from anyone. I take care of my own child. Sometimes I need some help with a pick up or something like that. It doesn't happen often and I could work around it...I hate even asking for that kind of help but I get told that I should so...I do when I need it.

In the last year my family has said that I need to get out without my son some.....so I have taken them up on their offer to help me do that by watching my son.....I have taken advantage of this offer no more than once a month. So since I stared that in January ....I have been out without my son 6 times..... The entire year before that I think I went out 3 times.

My sister is younger than me. We are different and have never been real close but we get along. She and I are just different. My best friend in my cousin, hers is a girl she went to high school with. I see my cousin maybe once a month....she sees her best friend almost everyday since they commute and work together.

She has blown me off more than once on things I have wanted to do with her...even spend time together every week.....to walk and share meals etc......she is always too busy with her friend. K fine.

My parents like to go out to the casino on Saturday nights and I feel guilty asking them to stay home to watch Steve for me when I go out. One time I could tell my mom did not want to do it..but she reluctantly said they would stay home if I did not have any other options. I had already asked my sister since I could tell this was what was going on. This occurred the first time I went out with my new single mom friend. The whole reason I looked for a single parents group was to get out and about with new people who were like me. I was going to ask my sister to come out with us..but since I did not have another option and she had offered before to watch Steve so I could go out...well it made sense...she could hang out with her nephew. In this time period she has babysat with Steve twice. Both times while I went out with my single mom friend.

So last weekend my mom out of the blue said that her and my dad were staying home and would be available to baby sit. I really did not have plans and my mom asked why I did not call my sister...and I said I did not feel like it because she blows me off. I should have kept my big mouth shut....mom talked to my sister and said that I had my feelings hurt...well yeah I have had them hurt by her alot...I just deal with it and stop expecting different. But my mistake was even letting it slip out to my mom.

Mom told my sister and my sister called Steve and I this week...pitty call I guess, to go watch a movie with her. We saw cars...it was good but long. When I talked to my mom tonight she said that she had a talk to with my sister...basically my sister is jealous of my friendship with my cousin and upset that I have gone out with my single mom friend without her.....

Well gee......I am not asking my mom to baby sit anymore and I am not asking my sister to baby sit anymore, (I know over reaction...its just how I feel right now). I don't want to be a burden to anyone, I don't want to ask someone else to take my responsibilities....I am sorry she does not take care of herself and lives her life through her friend...I have tried to include her in my life and she blows me off and finds more important things to do. She hangs out with her friend and her friends kids...the only way I can get her to do that with her nephew is to ask her to baby sit.

I am so irritated with it all. Me going out more was their idea to begin with...Who else do they expect me to get to watch Steve. Last year when he was gone to his dads she was not around...she was too tired to go out and about with me...she knew I was lonely and sad and should have been doing things but she was too busy with her own life. Now she is upset because I have a friendship with my cousin and have not stayed home waiting for her to find time for me......UGGGG

When it rains...it pours...when its done it will be done

2006-06-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have talked about this idea of dating..and my "prospects"

Next week Steve and I are going to go to the zoo with his friend Stephanie and her dad....not really interested in him...but that is not what this zoo trip is about. For me it is about the fact that we both have kids who are graduating from kindergarten and deserve to have fun...why not go together.

Tonight our neighbor came over and helped Steve and I pull our abundance of weeds. Then he hung out so Steve could show him his new books. Again, not really interested in him anymore, hes nice...younger than me by a few years (5) and then there is something else I am not sure about yet.

Then there is the guy I am talking to from Myspace....the one I am afraid is smaller than me.....really skinny...I have been talking to him on the phone. Our phone conversations last for awhile and they are nice...but I have noticed that he is not really interested in me. Not that I really like to talk about myself...but he does not seem to be too interested in finding out about me....or maybe I am looking for an excuse, could be that.

Oh...and then there is the other Myspace guy who I thought there was more in common, more mutual interest and stuff....he says that all is not what it seems with the myspace message from that other person.

Gee whiz to be so popular all of a sudden.....

Funny but I suspect that after next week I probably wont hear from any of them especially since I am going to have all this free time on my hands with Steve going to visit his dad soon....

Overwhelming...

2006-06-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life seems as if it is so overwhelming that you don't know how you are ever going to catch up...maintain....get things done...

Sometimes it seems easier to just stop and ignore what needs to be done....if we were just to stand still and not move...not move forward....it would all just go away...

But it doesn't.....things just don't go away...you have to deal with them...you have to do SOMETHING...even if it is just process it. Sometimes just letting it run through your mind is the hard part....ignoring it is the easy thing to do...but the wrong thing to do and in the long run it just has the huge possibility of making things worse.

Sometimes...you just have to take it one step at a time....pick away at everything and get over the overwhelming feeling just little by little to get it done......

Motorcycles......

2006-06-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

ARE HOT....

I am just saying...

These are HOT

These are NOT

I used to think that I was too old too think guys on these were HOT. I used to think that guys who drove these cycles were in their 20's. My ideas have now been updated....guys riding these cycles can be in their mid 30's or even their 40's....and its still HOT.

I am sure there is an age where it stops being HOT...but until then...I will enjoy!!